If someone has been masking their autistic traits for a long time, how do they know who the real them is?

[Answered on Quora.com by Carla Heisten]

I didn’t.

When I became a widow, I realized I had no earthly idea what I wanted. I was devoid of knowing my desires, wishes or anything about myself. It was like I had given my everything and all to others all my life because that is what my narcissistic mother taught me to do.

I began a search with healers and did a deep dive into my own psychology to figure out who I was. The process of individuating during the last 10 years has led me to learn last year that I am not only autistic but also ADHD. It explained everything, all the bullying, not fitting in, the struggles to communicate…everything finally fell into place.

It’s taken a lot of time, tears and struggles to get to this place and no matter how many years I have left now it was worth it to find the real me.

I believe we all mask somewhat, and in certain circumstances. I mean you have to put on a face in some situations, right? Learning that is a basic skill for most people. As an autistic person I had to learn to do that all the time to be accepted by my parents. So it was like constantly not being able to be me. The person I really am was rejected early on by my parents. I deeply believed my very survival was at stake, that I would be unable to live on my own, and that my parents would not care for me unless they continued to liked me. I felt I would be discarded if I didn’t fit their version of “good”. They were not able to accept the behaviors that came naturally to me so I hid a lot. I would go to my room and spend my time where they couldn’t see me. Mostly all I was doing was making things or reading or just playing quietly. When I got older I did homework, practiced my violin and drew pictures.

Honestly I may never know who I am in some ways. I’m 66 and it’s a little late to explore some things I might have when younger. I have done a lot of different things in my life for sure. I’ve had MANY careers and jobs trying to fit. Never got fired, but always moved on either due to my own choice or circumstances outside my control like a company closing or running out of work.

I’ve done some offbeat things too…like I had a Harley of my own at a time when very few women rode their own motorcycle.

I have experienced divorce and was widowed twice. I went to school and got a degree in machine tool tech then I went to school again to become a massage therapist. I was a professional photographer. I worked in factories, in a nursing home, newspapers, and wood mills to name a few.

All those years I struggled and never fit in no matter how hard I tried.

I didn’t have a super happy time growing up or in the years afterwards. I struggled and couldn’t figure out why everyone else seemed to have it so easy. Although I have had a lot of interesting experiences I wouldn’t wish my life on anyone really.

I am now learning to know who I am when I feel centered, grounded and comfortable in myself. I also know who I am when I melt down, freeze or can’t speak. I now know why that happens and that there are others similar to me in the world. I am happier now than I used to be…knowing more every day about what I truly do like, want, desire and just who I am in this world.

Now when I need to do something to regulate my system, or not do something, I know why it is that I make this choice. I used to be the weird one, the odd strange alien person who never wanted to do this or that…because it was too much for me. I thought I was broken.

Now I know that it’s not that I am “wrong” but that my brain works differently. I was always baffled because I had no idea others actually saw the world in a totally different way. Just knowing there is an actual reason, and that other people really don’t understand how my brain works, just knowing makes all the difference.

Finding the real me has been a journey. I know myself more and more each day. It’s been a self-awareness awakening for me that will continue.

I hope that answer helps.