[Answered on Quora.com by Antonieta Contreras]
There are terms that are coined to describe specific dysfunctions or patterns of behavior associated with certain conditions, such as anxiety disorders or trauma.
Hyper-vigilance specifically refers to an exaggerated state of alertness where individuals are constantly scanning their environment for potential threats or dangers.
Sometimes these terms as used as generalizations, without adhering to the real meaning of the word and concept - but they shouldn’t. Hyper-vigilance is one of those terms that indicate a serious issue.
Being hyper-vigilant is dysfunctional because it implies a persistent focus on finding potential threats or reasons to be worried, consuming significant amounts of the brain’s energy budget. This allocation can hinder other important cognitive functions from operating optimally and may be damaging your overall well-being.
Therefore, the answer is NO, hyper-vigilance is not a common experience in healthy individuals. If it has become common for you, it suggests that your brain may be in survival mode or heading towards it, possibly due to experiencing something traumatic previously that you have not been able to resolve. If that’s the case, your brain is attempting to protect you from perceived danger that may not be happening. That’s very detrimental.
If you live in a hyper-vigilant state, it's crucial not just to cope but to actively find ways to regulate your nervous system and reduce the activation of brain centers that perceive threat or danger and are causing you to be hyper-vigilant. Otherwise, your system will keep working ineffectively due to keeping a state of being excessively alert, and at some point, you may develop symptoms and eventually, a mental disorder.
Wednesday, August 28, 2024
Tuesday, August 27, 2024
If someone has been masking their autistic traits for a long time, how do they know who the real them is?
[Answered on Quora.com by Carla Heisten]
I didn’t.
When I became a widow, I realized I had no earthly idea what I wanted. I was devoid of knowing my desires, wishes or anything about myself. It was like I had given my everything and all to others all my life because that is what my narcissistic mother taught me to do.
I began a search with healers and did a deep dive into my own psychology to figure out who I was. The process of individuating during the last 10 years has led me to learn last year that I am not only autistic but also ADHD. It explained everything, all the bullying, not fitting in, the struggles to communicate…everything finally fell into place.
It’s taken a lot of time, tears and struggles to get to this place and no matter how many years I have left now it was worth it to find the real me.
I believe we all mask somewhat, and in certain circumstances. I mean you have to put on a face in some situations, right? Learning that is a basic skill for most people. As an autistic person I had to learn to do that all the time to be accepted by my parents. So it was like constantly not being able to be me. The person I really am was rejected early on by my parents. I deeply believed my very survival was at stake, that I would be unable to live on my own, and that my parents would not care for me unless they continued to liked me. I felt I would be discarded if I didn’t fit their version of “good”. They were not able to accept the behaviors that came naturally to me so I hid a lot. I would go to my room and spend my time where they couldn’t see me. Mostly all I was doing was making things or reading or just playing quietly. When I got older I did homework, practiced my violin and drew pictures.
Honestly I may never know who I am in some ways. I’m 66 and it’s a little late to explore some things I might have when younger. I have done a lot of different things in my life for sure. I’ve had MANY careers and jobs trying to fit. Never got fired, but always moved on either due to my own choice or circumstances outside my control like a company closing or running out of work.
I’ve done some offbeat things too…like I had a Harley of my own at a time when very few women rode their own motorcycle.
I have experienced divorce and was widowed twice. I went to school and got a degree in machine tool tech then I went to school again to become a massage therapist. I was a professional photographer. I worked in factories, in a nursing home, newspapers, and wood mills to name a few.
All those years I struggled and never fit in no matter how hard I tried.
I didn’t have a super happy time growing up or in the years afterwards. I struggled and couldn’t figure out why everyone else seemed to have it so easy. Although I have had a lot of interesting experiences I wouldn’t wish my life on anyone really.
I am now learning to know who I am when I feel centered, grounded and comfortable in myself. I also know who I am when I melt down, freeze or can’t speak. I now know why that happens and that there are others similar to me in the world. I am happier now than I used to be…knowing more every day about what I truly do like, want, desire and just who I am in this world.
Now when I need to do something to regulate my system, or not do something, I know why it is that I make this choice. I used to be the weird one, the odd strange alien person who never wanted to do this or that…because it was too much for me. I thought I was broken.
Now I know that it’s not that I am “wrong” but that my brain works differently. I was always baffled because I had no idea others actually saw the world in a totally different way. Just knowing there is an actual reason, and that other people really don’t understand how my brain works, just knowing makes all the difference.
Finding the real me has been a journey. I know myself more and more each day. It’s been a self-awareness awakening for me that will continue.
I hope that answer helps.
I didn’t.
When I became a widow, I realized I had no earthly idea what I wanted. I was devoid of knowing my desires, wishes or anything about myself. It was like I had given my everything and all to others all my life because that is what my narcissistic mother taught me to do.
I began a search with healers and did a deep dive into my own psychology to figure out who I was. The process of individuating during the last 10 years has led me to learn last year that I am not only autistic but also ADHD. It explained everything, all the bullying, not fitting in, the struggles to communicate…everything finally fell into place.
It’s taken a lot of time, tears and struggles to get to this place and no matter how many years I have left now it was worth it to find the real me.
I believe we all mask somewhat, and in certain circumstances. I mean you have to put on a face in some situations, right? Learning that is a basic skill for most people. As an autistic person I had to learn to do that all the time to be accepted by my parents. So it was like constantly not being able to be me. The person I really am was rejected early on by my parents. I deeply believed my very survival was at stake, that I would be unable to live on my own, and that my parents would not care for me unless they continued to liked me. I felt I would be discarded if I didn’t fit their version of “good”. They were not able to accept the behaviors that came naturally to me so I hid a lot. I would go to my room and spend my time where they couldn’t see me. Mostly all I was doing was making things or reading or just playing quietly. When I got older I did homework, practiced my violin and drew pictures.
Honestly I may never know who I am in some ways. I’m 66 and it’s a little late to explore some things I might have when younger. I have done a lot of different things in my life for sure. I’ve had MANY careers and jobs trying to fit. Never got fired, but always moved on either due to my own choice or circumstances outside my control like a company closing or running out of work.
I’ve done some offbeat things too…like I had a Harley of my own at a time when very few women rode their own motorcycle.
I have experienced divorce and was widowed twice. I went to school and got a degree in machine tool tech then I went to school again to become a massage therapist. I was a professional photographer. I worked in factories, in a nursing home, newspapers, and wood mills to name a few.
All those years I struggled and never fit in no matter how hard I tried.
I didn’t have a super happy time growing up or in the years afterwards. I struggled and couldn’t figure out why everyone else seemed to have it so easy. Although I have had a lot of interesting experiences I wouldn’t wish my life on anyone really.
I am now learning to know who I am when I feel centered, grounded and comfortable in myself. I also know who I am when I melt down, freeze or can’t speak. I now know why that happens and that there are others similar to me in the world. I am happier now than I used to be…knowing more every day about what I truly do like, want, desire and just who I am in this world.
Now when I need to do something to regulate my system, or not do something, I know why it is that I make this choice. I used to be the weird one, the odd strange alien person who never wanted to do this or that…because it was too much for me. I thought I was broken.
Now I know that it’s not that I am “wrong” but that my brain works differently. I was always baffled because I had no idea others actually saw the world in a totally different way. Just knowing there is an actual reason, and that other people really don’t understand how my brain works, just knowing makes all the difference.
Finding the real me has been a journey. I know myself more and more each day. It’s been a self-awareness awakening for me that will continue.
I hope that answer helps.
Thursday, August 22, 2024
Are OCD intrusive thoughts real?
[Answered on Quora.com by Karl Martin]
They are the opposite of who you really are. What is happening is the fear center of your brain, the amygdala, is malfunctioning or misfiring, sending you an anxiety spike by mistakenly warning you that you are in danger of the thought. When anxiety happens, your brain then tries to solve the question of this thought. You tell yourself, "Wait a minute, that’s not me, that’s bullshit". Your brain will then again test you with the thought. Because the amygdala is primal and cannot be reasoned with, it fires another anxiety spike, perhaps bigger than the first one, warning you that you are in danger of the thought. It gets stronger because you flagged it as important by reacting to it. Trying to solve the thought starts to create a loop where you get the thought as a test. You then repel from the thought. Your amygdala responds because you have shown it that it is correct for sending you the anxiety, by your actions of avoiding and questioning the thought, as well as your severe non-acceptance of this thought. Since the amygdala is a non-reasoning part of the brain and only learns from your actions, its response just gets stronger. It’s really just acting as your best friend, warning you of the danger you are in because of the thought that you keep showing it through your actions of avoidance and disdain is so very important to you. Basically it’s your actions of avoidance that are the food the amygdala needs to show it that it is correct to keep warning you. The constant anxiety makes you doubt yourself and think that it’s real and you are what these thoughts are telling you. You're not. This comfort and truth won’t really help you, however. In a twist of cruelty, reassurances that you get from yourself or others only feed the disorder by reinforcing to the amygdala that it is indeed right to warn you every time you have the thoughts. Through the proper therapy, you will learn to teach the amygdala that you are not afraid of these thoughts, and in fact welcome them from your actions of accepting them and running toward them using exposures to teach your amygdala that you are perfectly okay with having them. After a while, the amygdala learns that you are not afraid of the thoughts, and it stops sending you all this discomfort. The thoughts then lose their power, and since they are not important to you anymore, they stop bothering you.
They are the opposite of who you really are. What is happening is the fear center of your brain, the amygdala, is malfunctioning or misfiring, sending you an anxiety spike by mistakenly warning you that you are in danger of the thought. When anxiety happens, your brain then tries to solve the question of this thought. You tell yourself, "Wait a minute, that’s not me, that’s bullshit". Your brain will then again test you with the thought. Because the amygdala is primal and cannot be reasoned with, it fires another anxiety spike, perhaps bigger than the first one, warning you that you are in danger of the thought. It gets stronger because you flagged it as important by reacting to it. Trying to solve the thought starts to create a loop where you get the thought as a test. You then repel from the thought. Your amygdala responds because you have shown it that it is correct for sending you the anxiety, by your actions of avoiding and questioning the thought, as well as your severe non-acceptance of this thought. Since the amygdala is a non-reasoning part of the brain and only learns from your actions, its response just gets stronger. It’s really just acting as your best friend, warning you of the danger you are in because of the thought that you keep showing it through your actions of avoidance and disdain is so very important to you. Basically it’s your actions of avoidance that are the food the amygdala needs to show it that it is correct to keep warning you. The constant anxiety makes you doubt yourself and think that it’s real and you are what these thoughts are telling you. You're not. This comfort and truth won’t really help you, however. In a twist of cruelty, reassurances that you get from yourself or others only feed the disorder by reinforcing to the amygdala that it is indeed right to warn you every time you have the thoughts. Through the proper therapy, you will learn to teach the amygdala that you are not afraid of these thoughts, and in fact welcome them from your actions of accepting them and running toward them using exposures to teach your amygdala that you are perfectly okay with having them. After a while, the amygdala learns that you are not afraid of the thoughts, and it stops sending you all this discomfort. The thoughts then lose their power, and since they are not important to you anymore, they stop bothering you.
Monday, August 19, 2024
Emotional Sobriety (from daily ACA email)
"With emotional sobriety, reparenting ourselves becomes a reality in our lives."
Our program calls us to recognize the truth within us. A beginning truth is that our families, in their unfinished spiritual states, corrupted our thinking. As young children, we could relate to no one other than our families to ‘see how the world was' around us.
This often involved a series of dysfunctional beliefs, such as "I can make it on my own," "I am too proud to accept help from anyone," and/or "We are s-o-o-o-o much better than they are." This led us to a false sense of independence or even superiority that effectively cut us off from many forms of useful information that could have helped us.
As adults, we lived with this corrupted thinking, in a state of confusion and denial, unable to admit that we needed help and unable to trust anyone.
When we find recovery, we discover that we can reparent ourselves. We learn to see the truth about our parents in a non-judgmental way, which helps us first accept whatever good things they passed to us. Then, without anger or resentment, we firmly reject their dysfunctional ways of thinking. We are now free to chart our own course of behavioral, spiritual and emotional sobriety.
On this day I will focus on using all I've learned to help me reparent myself. I choose spiritual and emotional sobriety.
Our program calls us to recognize the truth within us. A beginning truth is that our families, in their unfinished spiritual states, corrupted our thinking. As young children, we could relate to no one other than our families to ‘see how the world was' around us.
This often involved a series of dysfunctional beliefs, such as "I can make it on my own," "I am too proud to accept help from anyone," and/or "We are s-o-o-o-o much better than they are." This led us to a false sense of independence or even superiority that effectively cut us off from many forms of useful information that could have helped us.
As adults, we lived with this corrupted thinking, in a state of confusion and denial, unable to admit that we needed help and unable to trust anyone.
When we find recovery, we discover that we can reparent ourselves. We learn to see the truth about our parents in a non-judgmental way, which helps us first accept whatever good things they passed to us. Then, without anger or resentment, we firmly reject their dysfunctional ways of thinking. We are now free to chart our own course of behavioral, spiritual and emotional sobriety.
On this day I will focus on using all I've learned to help me reparent myself. I choose spiritual and emotional sobriety.
Sunday, August 18, 2024
What are the potential causes of extreme emotional dysregulation in adults who were diagnosed with autism or Aspergers later in life?
[Answered on Quora.com by Becky]
There are probably a lot of answers, but I'm just going to throw out a couple.
The autistic brain is wired in ways that make it harder to regulate emotion to begin with. For some this means controlling big emotions, and for some it means difficulty feeling or recognizing emotions at all. Not that they're not there, they're just almost disconnected.
The autistic brain is also wired to be more likely to store memories as trauma. That means that things that may not look traumatic to someone else may genuinely be traumatic to an autistic person. This happens to everyone on occasion. We all have things that are more traumatic for us than makes sense, but it is more common and more likely for autistic people.
Autistic people are more likely to have major trauma, including abuse, bullying, and even parental divorce. Sad, but true. Trauma causes disregulation because the brain reacts to perceived danger instead of the actual situation at hand.
Late-diagnosed autistic adults grew up without understanding why they reacted differently to so many things. Many were told to not over-react, not be so sensitive, etc. So instead of being taught how to regulate their emotions with love, validation, and soothing, which wires a child's brain for self- soothing and emotional regulation, they were taught, often by well-meaning parents, to ignore and shut off their emotions. This increases the disconnect and makes it harder to recognize and regulate emotions.
Finding out you are autistic and learning about autism can help Counseling can be incredibly helpful and healing, especially if you have a therapist who is good with trauma.
There are probably a lot of answers, but I'm just going to throw out a couple.
The autistic brain is wired in ways that make it harder to regulate emotion to begin with. For some this means controlling big emotions, and for some it means difficulty feeling or recognizing emotions at all. Not that they're not there, they're just almost disconnected.
The autistic brain is also wired to be more likely to store memories as trauma. That means that things that may not look traumatic to someone else may genuinely be traumatic to an autistic person. This happens to everyone on occasion. We all have things that are more traumatic for us than makes sense, but it is more common and more likely for autistic people.
Autistic people are more likely to have major trauma, including abuse, bullying, and even parental divorce. Sad, but true. Trauma causes disregulation because the brain reacts to perceived danger instead of the actual situation at hand.
Late-diagnosed autistic adults grew up without understanding why they reacted differently to so many things. Many were told to not over-react, not be so sensitive, etc. So instead of being taught how to regulate their emotions with love, validation, and soothing, which wires a child's brain for self- soothing and emotional regulation, they were taught, often by well-meaning parents, to ignore and shut off their emotions. This increases the disconnect and makes it harder to recognize and regulate emotions.
Finding out you are autistic and learning about autism can help Counseling can be incredibly helpful and healing, especially if you have a therapist who is good with trauma.
Saturday, August 17, 2024
Saturday, August 10, 2024
What was the first “green flag” you noticed in your partner?
[Answered on Quora.com by Alma]
My husband is a very shy man. So much so, that when we went out on a first date, he barely even looked at me. I very reluctantly accepted to go out on a second date, which ended up being pretty much the same. This led me to believe that there’s just no chemistry between us, and that it’s best we end it at that point. I really liked him, but didn’t want to get hurt as I thought he might be an emotionally unavailable person. My husband’s reaction was to say:
“Okay, this makes me very sad, but if you don’t think going out with me makes sense, there’s just no point going forward. However, may I ask for a reason?”
I have to admit I was surprised hearing such a response. Men I tried dating would typically get very angry, insult me, curse at me, or say something to humiliate me, which made me wary of rejecting someone openly.
I explained to him how I felt, to which my husband said that he actually likes me a lot, but is extremely shy, and that if I would like to go out with him again, he would be more open. On our third date he greeted me with a big grin and a warm hug and from then on we were inseparable.
So the first “green flag” in my partner was his ability to calmly accept rejection without perceiving that his ego has been hurt.
My husband is a very shy man. So much so, that when we went out on a first date, he barely even looked at me. I very reluctantly accepted to go out on a second date, which ended up being pretty much the same. This led me to believe that there’s just no chemistry between us, and that it’s best we end it at that point. I really liked him, but didn’t want to get hurt as I thought he might be an emotionally unavailable person. My husband’s reaction was to say:
“Okay, this makes me very sad, but if you don’t think going out with me makes sense, there’s just no point going forward. However, may I ask for a reason?”
I have to admit I was surprised hearing such a response. Men I tried dating would typically get very angry, insult me, curse at me, or say something to humiliate me, which made me wary of rejecting someone openly.
I explained to him how I felt, to which my husband said that he actually likes me a lot, but is extremely shy, and that if I would like to go out with him again, he would be more open. On our third date he greeted me with a big grin and a warm hug and from then on we were inseparable.
So the first “green flag” in my partner was his ability to calmly accept rejection without perceiving that his ego has been hurt.
Thursday, August 1, 2024
Is there a cure for autism or is it a lifelong developmental disorder?
Is there a cure for autism or is it a lifelong developmental disorder? Can it be prevented in children?
[Answered on Quora.com by Angela Birch]
The psychiatrist who diagnosed my husband said: It is essentially a variation on how information is processed - a slightly different wiring harness.
The evidence is, it tends to run in families and is almost certainly genetic. My husband was born autistic, is now 79, and is still autistic. He is an intelligent, hardworking engineer. He had a mother who realized early that her son learned differently from other children, and made it her mission to learn to help him succeed. She did so. Not by trying to force him to be like all other kids, but by figuring out what worked.
There isn’t a thing wrong with my husband. Yes, he rocks, and so? Yes, he is highly organized and doesn’t like chaos - and so? Yes, he finds almost all music annoying. And so? He isn’t social and can be brutally honest - and so? Yes, he is a variation on the standard, and not a thing wrong with that.
We in society seem to have made a god of “normal” - not realizing normal is nothing more than pablum.
No, an autistic person is not going to be cured, because they do not have an illness.
[Answered on Quora.com by Angela Birch]
The psychiatrist who diagnosed my husband said: It is essentially a variation on how information is processed - a slightly different wiring harness.
The evidence is, it tends to run in families and is almost certainly genetic. My husband was born autistic, is now 79, and is still autistic. He is an intelligent, hardworking engineer. He had a mother who realized early that her son learned differently from other children, and made it her mission to learn to help him succeed. She did so. Not by trying to force him to be like all other kids, but by figuring out what worked.
There isn’t a thing wrong with my husband. Yes, he rocks, and so? Yes, he is highly organized and doesn’t like chaos - and so? Yes, he finds almost all music annoying. And so? He isn’t social and can be brutally honest - and so? Yes, he is a variation on the standard, and not a thing wrong with that.
We in society seem to have made a god of “normal” - not realizing normal is nothing more than pablum.
No, an autistic person is not going to be cured, because they do not have an illness.
Do people with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or Asperger's syndrome have romantic feelings?
[Answered on Quora.com by Chip]
Yes, but it’s very difficult for me to navigate. I am in a constant state of emotional suppression. If I don’t stop myself when I feel emotions, I will become fully engulfed in that emotion very rapidly. So where a typical person might flirt or go on a couple of dates before they decide to become more emotionally invested in a person, I am all in from the start, because I don’t try and stop the emotion of love. It feels so wonderful, who would stop that? But, and this is a very big but: typical people express the emotion of love when courting. I guess they are just trying it on before they decide. I can’t tell if it’s genuinely how they feel. So, as you can imagine, there have been many relationships I have been in where I was really the only one falling in love.
I am happily married now to the most wonderful woman. She loved me from our 1st date, and I her. Had a lot of heartbreak before her, because of my autism, but I can’t imagine a better ending to an early life of heartbreak than a relationship that has been about love since the 1st date.
I’m a very lucky man
Yes, but it’s very difficult for me to navigate. I am in a constant state of emotional suppression. If I don’t stop myself when I feel emotions, I will become fully engulfed in that emotion very rapidly. So where a typical person might flirt or go on a couple of dates before they decide to become more emotionally invested in a person, I am all in from the start, because I don’t try and stop the emotion of love. It feels so wonderful, who would stop that? But, and this is a very big but: typical people express the emotion of love when courting. I guess they are just trying it on before they decide. I can’t tell if it’s genuinely how they feel. So, as you can imagine, there have been many relationships I have been in where I was really the only one falling in love.
I am happily married now to the most wonderful woman. She loved me from our 1st date, and I her. Had a lot of heartbreak before her, because of my autism, but I can’t imagine a better ending to an early life of heartbreak than a relationship that has been about love since the 1st date.
I’m a very lucky man
Why is employment so painful for autistic people?
[Answered on Quora.com by Aaliceinw]
In my case, I come across as a “normal” functioning person who has the most amazing solutions (in their minds) to complex problems. So my bosses want to promote me and put me in leadership positions - and then I am expected to lead others.
They then ask my opinion about some other strategic issue and I either give a perfectly accurate but wrong response about a detail in the strategy - or I freeze. Or, I give a very truthful but embarrassing response for either myself or one of the bosses.
I start to get excluded: first from the strategic meetings, then from general team meetings, and then from all meetings.
Or I can produce exceptionally high-quality presentations or reports in a very short time, so they keep throwing more of them at me. I either become overwhelmed because there are too many, or because they are sending me stuff I don’t have a clue about. They keep forgetting I need more time to process information, and that I need clear instructions.
I go into shutdown, or I burn out.
In 9 days, I will be celebrating my first year in my new job. I have thought I was going to be fired at least once a month. I have been recognised unofficially and officially for what I am contributing, but most the time, I am not sure if what I am doing is what they want.
Once a week, at least, I wake up feeling sick, because I’m sure I’ve stuffed up.
Getting talked-over in meetings is a common occurrence - and having someone say the exact thing I’ve just said as if I wasn’t even in the room is also common.
Employment for me is difficult because I feel that everytime I learn the language they are speaking, they change it.
Even though I wear less masks than I ever have before in the workplace, I still have to put them on at least 40% of the time. It is still tiring. And scary when almost everyday, I worry that I have misunderstood the brief - and it is even worse when I simply cannot understand what everyone else can.
In my case, I come across as a “normal” functioning person who has the most amazing solutions (in their minds) to complex problems. So my bosses want to promote me and put me in leadership positions - and then I am expected to lead others.
They then ask my opinion about some other strategic issue and I either give a perfectly accurate but wrong response about a detail in the strategy - or I freeze. Or, I give a very truthful but embarrassing response for either myself or one of the bosses.
I start to get excluded: first from the strategic meetings, then from general team meetings, and then from all meetings.
Or I can produce exceptionally high-quality presentations or reports in a very short time, so they keep throwing more of them at me. I either become overwhelmed because there are too many, or because they are sending me stuff I don’t have a clue about. They keep forgetting I need more time to process information, and that I need clear instructions.
I go into shutdown, or I burn out.
In 9 days, I will be celebrating my first year in my new job. I have thought I was going to be fired at least once a month. I have been recognised unofficially and officially for what I am contributing, but most the time, I am not sure if what I am doing is what they want.
Once a week, at least, I wake up feeling sick, because I’m sure I’ve stuffed up.
Getting talked-over in meetings is a common occurrence - and having someone say the exact thing I’ve just said as if I wasn’t even in the room is also common.
Employment for me is difficult because I feel that everytime I learn the language they are speaking, they change it.
Even though I wear less masks than I ever have before in the workplace, I still have to put them on at least 40% of the time. It is still tiring. And scary when almost everyday, I worry that I have misunderstood the brief - and it is even worse when I simply cannot understand what everyone else can.
If you've been diagnosed with Asperger's or autism, do you ever mention it up-front in talks or discussions with people?
If you've been diagnosed with Asperger's or autism, do you ever mention it up-front in talks or discussions with people? Why or why not? When I do, most people say, "Oh, I never would have guessed" or something like that. But sometimes I use it to explain why I am the way I am at times.
[Answered on Quora.com by Paul Holmes]
My wife is autistic. We only found out about 9 months ago. She always thought there was something different about her. So did I, and others. Many people on this forum are critical of the ways non autistic people react and criticise them for their lack of knowledge. But what about all the autistic people who don’t know they are? These people are also ignorant of their condition. Please don’t blame non autistic people for their lack of knowledge when many autistic people don’t know anything about it - or even that they are autistic themselves. I encouraged my wife to share her news with our close friends. We decided that if they didn’t respond well then maybe they weren’t such close friends. Everyone has been great. People assume that most strange or undesirable behaviour is linked to some kind of character flaw. We’re don’t instinctively think that someone is wired up differently - a bit like colour blindness. So it pays to not only share the news about your autism but also a bit of knowledge about the affect your wiring has on your behaviours. I used to think my wife’s lack of eye contact meant she was disinterested in or disliked what I was saying. I got confused when she asked if we could have a wedding party and then said how glad it was over. When I got cramp in my leg - which was in plaster following an Achilles rupture the night before - I got confused again when she didn’t react to my yelling in pain as I hit the wall with my fist to distract myself from the agony. A hundred other things weighed on my mind as I struggled to find answers to so many questions. Discovering she is autistic and what that meant was an absolute blessing. It has helped me understand and not take things the wrong way. So, my advice would be to help others understand what autism is and how it manifests in your behaviours. Good people are likely to respond well for the most part.
[Answered on Quora.com by Paul Holmes]
My wife is autistic. We only found out about 9 months ago. She always thought there was something different about her. So did I, and others. Many people on this forum are critical of the ways non autistic people react and criticise them for their lack of knowledge. But what about all the autistic people who don’t know they are? These people are also ignorant of their condition. Please don’t blame non autistic people for their lack of knowledge when many autistic people don’t know anything about it - or even that they are autistic themselves. I encouraged my wife to share her news with our close friends. We decided that if they didn’t respond well then maybe they weren’t such close friends. Everyone has been great. People assume that most strange or undesirable behaviour is linked to some kind of character flaw. We’re don’t instinctively think that someone is wired up differently - a bit like colour blindness. So it pays to not only share the news about your autism but also a bit of knowledge about the affect your wiring has on your behaviours. I used to think my wife’s lack of eye contact meant she was disinterested in or disliked what I was saying. I got confused when she asked if we could have a wedding party and then said how glad it was over. When I got cramp in my leg - which was in plaster following an Achilles rupture the night before - I got confused again when she didn’t react to my yelling in pain as I hit the wall with my fist to distract myself from the agony. A hundred other things weighed on my mind as I struggled to find answers to so many questions. Discovering she is autistic and what that meant was an absolute blessing. It has helped me understand and not take things the wrong way. So, my advice would be to help others understand what autism is and how it manifests in your behaviours. Good people are likely to respond well for the most part.
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