What is your opinion on shame?

What is your opinion on shame? Do you feel it easily or not? How has that impacted your life?

[Answered on Quora.com by Marcy Stehling]

When I went to a rehab program to get off drugs (back in the late 1990’s), I learned that I was a “shame-based person”. I didn’t know this about myself but when I learned more, it made sense.

I discussed this issue with a counselor and began to understand that it all began during my childhood.

It took me another 25 years to figure out why I felt shame so often. I was often shamed by my mother when I was a child. It only took a look of disapproval for me to feel shame wash over me. I didn’t get pep talks and wasn’t taught that I was indeed “good enough”. I went through life feeling ashamed of most everything about myself, from my appearance to the very essence of who I was.

I have been trying for the past 65 years to be good enough, especially in my mother’s eyes. I didn’t get anything besides disapproval and shame.

When I finally learned that my own mother is a covert or vulnerable narcissist, it rocked my world. I always thought she was so perfect that I could never measure up to her standards. To learn what really went on, what has been going on all my life, was shocking to me, but once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. It is what it is.

I am my parents’ caregiver. More for my mom than my dad, as mom has dementia now and has serious physical limitations. The dementia has made things worse, of course. Dementia never makes anything better. For my whole life, my mom has been whispering lies and mean things about me to my dad behind my back. This caused conflict between my dad and me. She is still doing it but is more vicious about it nowadays. The difference is that my dad finally realizes what she is doing, and so now there is no conflict between Dad and me. He does tell me the things she says sometimes.

I still struggle with feelings of shame at times. It has been a long road to get to where I’m not ashamed of everything about myself. I’m thankful that my dad and I have always been close, because from him, I got all the good stuff.

If my mother ever knew that I spoke these words, she would come unglued. She of course would deny it and turn things around on me. It’s her thing.

How has this impacted my life? Well, because of feeling shameful, I didn’t live up to my abilities. I was afraid to try new things. I missed out on so much, just because I felt I wasn’t good enough, and I was so ashamed of that fact.

I don’t wallow in it. I can’t change what happened in my past. I can’t change the fact that my mom doesn’t like me and would rather I wasn’t around. The thing is that my folks need me and there is no one else to step in and do the things I do for them. It is me or a nursing home.

My dad tells me all the time that he is grateful for all I do. He says that if I wasn’t here with them every day, cooking, driving, mowing, cleaning, making appointments, etc, etc, they would have had to sell their property and move to a facility. He reminds my mom of that fact regularly. I have even heard my dad tell my mother that she better be nice to me or I might just pull up stakes and move on. Of course I would never do that.

It helps me process things to write about them. It helps me to speak my truth. This is not meant to be a whiny post and oh poor pitiful me. I’m tough now. I’m strong now. I know the truth now. I’m not ashamed of myself one bit.

You take what you are dealt and handle it. You allow yourself to grow emotionally and mentally, you deal with the broken hearts and regrets. You get out of self pity and become who you were meant to be. And that’s where I’m at today. I’m glad I know the truth. I no longer think I’m crazy. I can face whatever is thrown at me. I think the hard part is over.