My husband is a Catholic but I’m not, and he wants to baptize our child in the Catholic church but I don't. What should I do?

[Answered on Quora.com by Petey Lao]

My husband was raised Catholic. I am Buddhist. When our younger daughter was born, my mother-in-law wanted her baptized in a Catholic Church. I was reluctant.

I consulted one of my dearest friends who was an Episcopalian. After I told him my dilemma, he asked, “Do you think you’ll enroll your daughter in ballet classes?”

I wasn’t sure how the question applied to the discussion. I mean, she was just born less than 6 months ago. I answered that ballet was up in the air. Then he asked another question, “What if your mother-in-law was a ballerina and she really, really wanted your child to take ballet classes?”

I told him, “I might consider it. It does not hurt to try it out.”

Then I realized where he was going with the questions. I said, “Hold on a sec. Getting baptized is far from dabbling in ballet.”

He gave me a shrug and said, “Not really.”

He went on the explain that we make substituted decisions on behalf of young children all the time. When the children become older and can decide what is good for them, these options may stick, or they may not.

“Your mother-in-law just wants to keep the one spiritual option that means so much to her open. She’s not stealing her from your faith. You can still teach your daughter about Buddhism. When she is older, she can choose for herself. She does not even have to go with one or the other. She can be both.”

“An entire community of people is showing up with their commitment to love, support, and morally guide your child. What’s so awful about that?”

I considered his words. They always revealed another layer of truth I neglected to examine. Eventually, I looked past the forest and focused on the trees, and we went ahead with the baptism.

Gov't Mule "Thorazine Shuffle" (5-31-08)

Cracker "Big Dipper" (Rockpalast Germany 2008)

John Prine and Iris Dement "In Spite of Ourselves" (official video)

Eloy ‎"Silent Cries And Mighty Echoes"

Kathy Mattea "Where have you been"

Do depressed people ever regret having opened up to people about how they felt?

[Answered on Quora.com by "I'm nobody"]

For my case I did, I've been battling depression for 5 years now. Last year I decided to open up to my best friend of 15 years about my struggles and how depression has been eating me up these past few years. She just laughed and said how could I be depressed, according to her someone like me can't be depressed because I'm always happy and making others happy, so it's quite impossible. I tried convincing her that I was really going through depression and she just didn't believe me. She laughed it off with her boyfriend, and honestly I regretted having opened my mouth to speak. I thought it would be easier to open up to her since she's a medical doctor, but I was so disappointed, and highly regret ever opening up. Till this day I never opened up to anyone, I only talk about my struggles on Quora.com because at least on Quora I can find people I can relate with, and also no one knows me personally, so it's easier for me.

Stuck Grief (from daily ACA email)

"Grief is loss that is stuck beneath denial, willful forgetting, and the fear of being perceived as dramatizing the past. Grief is the built-up defeats, slights, and neglect from childhood."

We might have thought of grief as something we experience only from overt losses such as death of a loved one, divorce, or a devastating illness. With recovery, we also experience grief as something that comes from the loss of our identity in childhood. We're exposed to many suggestions of what those childhood losses might be, such as being regularly and unfairly criticized by a parent, being compared to a sibling who was more well-behaved, being told we were bad, dumb or inferior, being told to keep secrets - the list goes on.

Just as it's valuable to handle more overt losses by grieving in a healthy manner rather than avoiding, numbing, and dissociating, we learn to practice loving ways to grieve our childhood losses, By working the ACA Steps and learning to have a dialog with our Inner Child, we discover that our bodies and minds remember the neglectful and shaming acts of the past. Unearthing these memories and facing the feelings buried within them isn't easy, but we discover an amazing payoff on the other side of this grief - being fully self-expressed and feeling alive, perhaps for the first time.

On this day I will be aware of and focus on one of the losses I experienced in childhood and practice a loving and compassionate way to grieve that loss.

Why do some girls start acting crazy once they fall in love?

[Answered on Quora.com by Ella González]

It's insecurity, and it's something to get past if you want to have sucessful relationships. It's not easy, and guys do it, too, just in a different way. Consciously or subconsciously you're taking every last sentence and action and deciding if this means he's losing interest in you. This can quickly become a vicious cycle that ends with him actually losing interest in you, so do be careful.

To change it, stop and think why you're angry, then decide if getting angry at him for his actions is actually solving anything. If him not saying 'goodnight' really is a sign that he's losing interest, what do you gain by getting angry at him? You might fix a symptom, and that's it.

Next, get in the habit of actually just talking about things. Realize that chances are, everything is fine, and if it's not, a fight won't solve anything. If he is feeling like there are problems in the relationship, he's more likely to tell you if you bring it up in non-confrontational way. It's hard enough talking about this stuff, believe me. It's even harder when you're worried about getting your head bitten off.

Finally, listen. You don't have to immediately respond to things. If he's constantly saying you are misunderstanding what he says, then reformulate what he says and repeat it back to see if you are correct. And when fights happen (and they will), don't fight dirty (don't throw insults, say hurtful things, etc).

Honestly, a good start would be to just get out in the open how you feel. Tell him you recognize you're being crazy, that you don't like it, and you want to change. You're not telling him anything he doesn't already know, and he's going to feel a lot better if he can actually talk to you about it. And give him a chance to talk, listen and don't get defensive. Save the explanations and interjections until the end. Acknowledge what you think is reasonable, explain (but don't over explain) what you don't think is reasonable.

Communication is better than no communication all the time. At best you solve problems before they become huge. At a minimum, you aren't blindsided by huge problems that aren't fixable. It will reduce your insecurity, too.

What is the funniest joke you've been told that you still think about to this day?

[Answered on Quora.com by Nick Thompson]

An Irishman goes to a building site in London and asks the foreman if he can have a job.
“Are you Irish?”, asks the foreman. “Well sor, that I am”, replied the Irishman. “Well”, said the foreman,”I don’t want any more Irish on this site, because they don’t know nuffink. Last week we have one here who didn’t even know the difference between a girder and a joist. Can you tell me the difference between girder and joist?”
The Irishman thought for a little while, and then replied, “Well sor, I tink that Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust.”

Alabama3 "Too sick to pray"

How do you cure your emotional unavailability?

{Answered on Quora.com by Michael Fitzjohn}

The first step in fixing a problem is admitting you have one.

You correct being emotionally unavailable by knowing why you’re emotionally unavailable.

Many emotionally unavailable people I know have had horrible relationships and don’t want to be hurt again. They live with their pain and it hurts. They feel they won't have to experience pain by not letting anyone close to their heart again.

I was emotionally unavailable because I’ve always felt as if my soul died in Vietnam. Why not just live in a bubble and not let anyone enter it.

I had therapy and learned how to live in the present and how to stop past pain from keeping me from future joy.

Only when an emotionally unavailable talks to a therapist to find out how to untangle their feelings can they become emotionally available.

The person should concentrate on doing what they love in life; joy and love will find them when they’re not looking for it.

“Brokenness is just like beauty; it's something we wear and carry, and if we let it define us, it will. But we are not our beauty or our brokenness, because souls are not made of beauty or brokenness. Souls are made of something permanent. Souls are made of truth.”
― Lauren Miller, All Things New (www.goodreds.com/work/quotes)

The Stranglers "Strange Little Girl" acoustic

Why do some women respond to alpha male advances and then complain how badly they get treated by some of them but still ignore the nice, sensitive, and quieter men?

[Answered on Quora.com by Franklin Veaux]

They don’t.

This tired old saw is the last gasp of men who can’t get laid and can’t understand why.

“Women” don’t respond to “Alpha male jerks” and “women” don’t complain about it. Some few individual women do, but “women” as a class do not.

Your question has the answer to why you can’t find a woman. You’re quiet. That means, you don’t go out and engage with women.

If you want a girlfriend, you have to go out and engage with women. You have to meet women. You have to talk to women. What do you expect, that some stranger will come knock on your door and say “Here I am, take me now?” That isn’t how it works.

I feel like this shouldn’t be hard to understand. If you don’t engage with women, you will have difficulty finding a girlfriend.

Have you experienced being in a co-dependent relationship?

[Answered on Quora.com by Evalina Rose]

Co-dependency is a dynamic where one or both partners rely on the other for their emotional well-being, self-worth, and identity. It often involves unhealthy and excessive reliance on the relationship, with a lack of independence and autonomy. Common characteristics of co-dependent relationships include:

Low Self-Esteem: Individuals in co-dependent relationships may struggle with low self-esteem and seek validation and worth from their partner.
Fear of Abandonment: There is often a strong fear of being abandoned or rejected, leading to efforts to please the partner at the expense of personal needs.
Lack of Boundaries: Boundaries may be unclear or non-existent, leading to enmeshment and difficulties in maintaining individual identities.
Difficulty Making Decisions: Co-dependent individuals may have difficulty making decisions independently, relying on their partner for guidance and validation.
Caretaking Behavior: One partner may take on a caretaker role, feeling responsible for the other's emotions and well-being.
Difficulty Expressing Needs: Communication may be hindered, with individuals finding it challenging to express their needs or assert their own desires.

If you suspect you are in a co-dependent relationship, or if you recognize these patterns in your behavior, here are some steps you can consider:

Self-Awareness: Reflect on your own behavior and feelings. Identify patterns of co-dependency and acknowledge areas where you may be relying too heavily on the relationship for validation.
Establish Boundaries: Clearly define and communicate your personal boundaries. Encourage your partner to do the same. Healthy relationships require a balance between closeness and independence.
Build Independence: Focus on developing your own interests, hobbies, and a sense of self outside of the relationship. Strengthening your independence can contribute to a healthier dynamic.
Seek Support: Consider seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist. Having a supportive network can provide guidance and encouragement as you navigate changes in your relationship.
Communication Skills: Work on improving communication skills. Express your needs, feelings, and concerns openly and honestly, and encourage your partner to do the same.
Professional Help: In more severe cases, professional help from a therapist or counselor specializing in relationship issues can be beneficial. They can provide guidance and tools to navigate co-dependency and improve relationship dynamics.

It's important to note that breaking patterns of co-dependency often requires time, effort, and self-reflection. Taking steps toward healthier relationship dynamics can lead to greater personal fulfillment and more balanced connections.

How do you quickly determine in a first conversation whether someone is worth getting to know or worth avoiding?

[Answered on Quora.com]

“I don’t like” answering questions that require that I pass judgment on making negative judgments - heh! (Well, I can still choose whether or not I am going to do it, anyway.)

If and when possible, it’s likely that I would ask a series of open-ended questions at the beginning of the interaction. I would then evaluate the new person’s responses. At the same time, I would evaluate the body language that newbie is displaying: is it syntonic [responsive to and in harmony with the environment] to the overall apparent message of newbie?

Maybe I don’t even need to ask any questions. Maybe newbie is acting in a way that attracts attention - and then all I have to do is watch, and evaluate what I think I’m seeing. For example, is newbie acting like a loud attention-seeker? If I see apparent self-serving behavior immediately, when the actual goal of most is to have a pleasant group social experience [it’s a social experience when more than one person is present], then I can know that it’s okay to silently pass negative judgment and walk away from that situation. [Sorry, but right now I’m having an imagined visual of George Santos testily defending himself, after his misdeeds were exposed to the masses. I really didn’t need to inject anything political - and I feel that negatively judging his actions need not be political; my judgments only need to judge his deeds and their outcomes, when I decide that he did not conduct himself appropriately. I could have been negatively influenced by any miscreant of any type; that guy was in the news as I was typing this, and I’m currently still thinking about his particular personality adaptation. Partygoer: try not to be as blatantly self-serving as Santos was alleged to have been - and then, when in a group situation, the other guests will gladly welcome and include you for much longer.]

I often hope to see some general green-light behavior from newbies that will reveal to me that it’s worth me keeping them [positively] in my sights. Frankly, pleasant mirroring activity by the other will either reassure me or trick me into continuing an interaction. If Rose is acting “as sweet as a rose” towards me, in a given moment, then I might allow her to continue to do so, for a while longer. If I want - or feel motivated to - I can repeatedly reevaluate to see if I’m still in agreement with my early judgment that “she is acting as sweet as a rose to me”. And I can keep in the back of my mind, the idea that a rose may also have thorns - so I can have an out, if new information lets me know that more time spent in this situation will not return to me greater ROI [ha ha ha ha ha - that was written partly tongue-in-creek: I’m looking for a River that will recharge my aging and overused aquifer of Trust and Long-Term Lubrication for Human Interactions ;-) {Yeah, I’ve been reading about overdrawn aquifers, too.}].

And there are other things I care about, in an interaction. It does affect me, whether the new person has interesting and useful information for me - or at least pleasant-enough lightweight conversation, for the moment at hand. [For me personally, lightweight banter is {possibly Boring} Spacer Fluff for me, that sometimes could be done without - except that our brains like a little time to get used to a new situation, so to me that’s the actual use of Spacer Fluff Time; it allows more time and opportunity to evaluate one another’s micro-expressions and other information.]

For me, I find it difficult to withstand a very slow talker. My mind quickly wanders, to what I had been motivated to be thinking about, before the interaction started. Or if my mind was not reengaged by my recently-former thoughts - then I could be thinking about Food. Is there Food at this meet-and-greet that we’re at? ;-)

If the newbie somehow helps me get yummy party food faster - then there is probably a good chance that I will allow mutual shared orbits for at least a little while longer. [Sorry not sorry, for a somewhat flippant response this time. I think I was slightly prickly because of having to think about how I’d negatively judge someone that was new to me. Such a precept doesn’t allow me to indulge my fantasy of being a perfectly all-welcoming individual at all times, to all people. ;-) ]

The Church "Disappointment"

Far below the surface, where the women sway
Green shadows greet another day
Drowned for the moment, on an empty ocean bed
And I cannot lift my head
Late for an appointment, clothes everywhere
I cannot find my memory anywhere
Ah disappointment just doesn't care
Off in the distance just waiting there
Take back her keys, what shall we do today
Maybe a little lunch down at the ghost cafe
Sand in my sandals, my blood feels like red wine
They say, hey everything will work out fine

What is your opinion on shame?

What is your opinion on shame? Do you feel it easily or not? How has that impacted your life?

[Answered on Quora.com by Marcy Stehling]

When I went to a rehab program to get off drugs (back in the late 1990’s), I learned that I was a “shame-based person”. I didn’t know this about myself but when I learned more, it made sense.

I discussed this issue with a counselor and began to understand that it all began during my childhood.

It took me another 25 years to figure out why I felt shame so often. I was often shamed by my mother when I was a child. It only took a look of disapproval for me to feel shame wash over me. I didn’t get pep talks and wasn’t taught that I was indeed “good enough”. I went through life feeling ashamed of most everything about myself, from my appearance to the very essence of who I was.

I have been trying for the past 65 years to be good enough, especially in my mother’s eyes. I didn’t get anything besides disapproval and shame.

When I finally learned that my own mother is a covert or vulnerable narcissist, it rocked my world. I always thought she was so perfect that I could never measure up to her standards. To learn what really went on, what has been going on all my life, was shocking to me, but once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. It is what it is.

I am my parents’ caregiver. More for my mom than my dad, as mom has dementia now and has serious physical limitations. The dementia has made things worse, of course. Dementia never makes anything better. For my whole life, my mom has been whispering lies and mean things about me to my dad behind my back. This caused conflict between my dad and me. She is still doing it but is more vicious about it nowadays. The difference is that my dad finally realizes what she is doing, and so now there is no conflict between Dad and me. He does tell me the things she says sometimes.

I still struggle with feelings of shame at times. It has been a long road to get to where I’m not ashamed of everything about myself. I’m thankful that my dad and I have always been close, because from him, I got all the good stuff.

If my mother ever knew that I spoke these words, she would come unglued. She of course would deny it and turn things around on me. It’s her thing.

How has this impacted my life? Well, because of feeling shameful, I didn’t live up to my abilities. I was afraid to try new things. I missed out on so much, just because I felt I wasn’t good enough, and I was so ashamed of that fact.

I don’t wallow in it. I can’t change what happened in my past. I can’t change the fact that my mom doesn’t like me and would rather I wasn’t around. The thing is that my folks need me and there is no one else to step in and do the things I do for them. It is me or a nursing home.

My dad tells me all the time that he is grateful for all I do. He says that if I wasn’t here with them every day, cooking, driving, mowing, cleaning, making appointments, etc, etc, they would have had to sell their property and move to a facility. He reminds my mom of that fact regularly. I have even heard my dad tell my mother that she better be nice to me or I might just pull up stakes and move on. Of course I would never do that.

It helps me process things to write about them. It helps me to speak my truth. This is not meant to be a whiny post and oh poor pitiful me. I’m tough now. I’m strong now. I know the truth now. I’m not ashamed of myself one bit.

You take what you are dealt and handle it. You allow yourself to grow emotionally and mentally, you deal with the broken hearts and regrets. You get out of self pity and become who you were meant to be. And that’s where I’m at today. I’m glad I know the truth. I no longer think I’m crazy. I can face whatever is thrown at me. I think the hard part is over.