I have a problem with my relationship. I can’t say anything critical (constructive criticism), I can’t even speak out when my partner does something wrong that hurt my feelings, without him getting mad. What can I do about this situation?

{Answered on Quora.com by Andrew Weill]

My wife could have written this question, about 29 years ago. At that time, I was hugely defensive if criticized. I put the blame on my wife and convinced myself that the problem was all her.

My wife told me that while she loved me, we had to find a better way to communicate. We had three young children, health issues, a difficult custody situation with my ex-wife, and many other areas where quality communication and the freedom to speak one’s mind was crucial. My wife proposed that we agree to work on this, by attending workshops, taking a parenting class, and seeing a marriage counselor.

I agreed, but I must admit that I went into this with the arrogant assumption that the counselors and workshop leaders would help straighten my wife out. I wasn’t the problem person, no siree!

Well … that’s not how it went. I learned that the way I was behaving actually interfered with achieving the level of intimacy I wanted. I needed to learn how to listen empathetically, without arguments, defenses, interruptions, or lectures.

And once I started really listening, and made it safe for my wife to express herself to me, the relationship took a turn for the better.

You might consider showing this question and my answer to your partner. You could ask, “Would you be willing to try doing what that couple did? All I want is for our relationship to be the very best it can be. Can we try counseling and workshops and see if we like that approach?”

It was challenging work for me to really come to terms with some of my behaviors that were simply improper and at times hurtful. It’s still painful to remember.

But we persevered, and the rewards have been magnificent.