What kind of parents cause narcissism?

[Answered on Quora.com by Leslie Randall]

Along with others, I agree that some degree of parental neglect, abuse or abandonment can be involved, but I also think there can be a mismatch between the high emotional needs of the child, and a parent who is already themselves damaged and so unable to give love. Things like narcissism get transmitted down the generations in this way.

Most, and perhaps even all children experience some form of disappointment at the hands of their parents. The important thing is for the child to admit, as they grow up, that they were wounded, and to seek help or do the hard work of processing it. It helps if the parent is able to admit that they have flaws, and unavoidably failed the child in some way.

But the other choice for the child is to decide that they were not hurt, to enter into a state of denial in order to “save the happy appearances” of their upbringing. Being unable to admit the hurt, they can not work on themselves, and instead turn to creating an inflated version of themselves. This is the core of narcissism, and it’s born of a tragedy. Narcissists are unable to look inside, because then they would have to face the wounds and they are just not strong enough to do it. So they take a shortcut that makes them strangers to their own inner life - out of touch with themselves, their true nature, and also unable to empathize with the wounds of others.

I feel sorry for narcissists. Therapy is so painful for them that they avoid it at all costs. I don’t know why they make the choice they do to deny their own inner hurt. But I also avoid them, as they are like a black hole when it comes to giving love. There isn’t any there to give.

I speak from experience - my mother had narcissistic personality disorder, and I managed to marry a narcissist and stayed with him for 32 years. That’s because I am the daughter of a narcissist, and that is a whole other story. However I am here to say you can break away, and you can find real love at any point in your life. I did it at age 58.