Politeness Theory (via quora.com)

Why are Nordic people so cold and unwilling to have social relations especially with foreigners or with people they do not know?
[Answered by Katja Kaila on quora.com]

When I came back to Finland after spending one year in the Caribbean, I had a hard time adapting to the cold.

Not so much to the climate (even if there was a remarkable difference for sure).

It was more the mental climate I had trouble adjusting to.

It has taken me lots of processing to understand something about the differences, but finally I feel that I can understand the beauty of both cultures (the Latin American and the Nordic).

It all comes down to different ways of being polite.

According to the Politeness Theory [1] , in cultures characterized by positive politeness people tend to show politeness by connecting with each other, while in cultures characterized by negative politeness people rather show respect to other people by not disturbing them.

In practice, positive politeness can in my experience manifest itself in the following ways:

- not leaving people alone
- making sure people feel welcome
- offering company without stopping to ask if it’s needed, so that other people don’t feel lonely
- not paying much attention to personal space
- not necessarily paying much attention to puctuality (if you have to choose between stopping to talk to someone and being punctual, the former is considered more important)
- prioritizing connecting and communication to other people’s privacy or sleep
- not necessarily protecting other people from loud sounds (prioritizing sharing a nice moment with your friends)

As a whole, people consider it much more important to communicate to other people that they are cared for and that they are not alone than respecting their individuality, freedom and privacy.

Negative politeness—and this is important to understand—is not being impolite, it just manifests itself in different ways. For example:

- not disturbing other people by interrupting what they were doing, unless necessary
- not intruding into someone’s company if not asked
- respecting the personal space of other people by not drawing too near them
- not taking too much space in the street or in public transportation
- appreciating other people’s precious time by being punctual and going straight to the point
- appreciating other people’s need for privacy by not asking personal questions, not visiting anyone without invitation, and not making suggestions if rejecting them would be awkward
- respecting other people’s need for peace and quiet by not making too much noise

For someone who comes from a positive politeness culture, negative politeness may seem rude and cold.

It’s important to know that the aim is to be respectful, just the ways of showing it are different.

There might naturally be some real issues, too. The politeness theory doesn’t excuse being aggressive or hostile. There are rude people in every culture.

However, I hope it helps to look at the seemingly cold and indifferent behaviour of the Nordic people through the lens of different kinds of politeness.

Not everything that looks unfriendly or unpleasant is aimed at making you feel unwelcome. It may be question of showing respect in a way you are not used to.

Footnotes

[1] Politeness theory - Wikipedia