Blame (from daily ACA email)

"We cannot reach the level of spiritual growth that we are seeking by blaming sick people."

The hard truth about alcoholism and family dysfunction is that there is no one to blame. It may feel as if our parents caused our suffering, but we forget that dysfunction is inherited. They were simply working with what they were given. They may not have willingly set out to harm us; they were reacting to their own sickness and in turn passed down the disease of dysfunction.

As children, we experienced unfair treatment and wished our parents would get help. However, we had no control over their actions.

But today we have control over whether we hang on to blaming people who could not help themselves at the time. When we let go of accusing sick people, we can focus on ourselves and what can be done in the here and now to help ourselves heal. We loosen the ties that keep us bound to circumstances that couldn't have turned out differently, thereby creating the possibility of limitless growth within us.

On this day I will do all that I am capable of to help stop the generational dysfunction in my family. In doing so, I will let go of any blame that is keeping me from experiencing greater levels of recovery.

Buried Feelings (from daily ACA email)

"We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults."

How can we honor our feelings when many of us were brought up by parents who implied or directly told us that we shouldn't talk about, think about, or even have our feelings? They told us we were "imagining things," or said "Stop making a big deal out of nothing." They said showing feelings and emotion would turn us into weaklings. It was more important to look good and not be concerned with feelings, especially those related to fear, anger, and sadness. How would we be able to stand on our own two feet if we were shadow-boxing with unnecessary emotions? We got the message loud and clear and kept our feelings buried for decades.

But how long can we go on stuffing things before it affects us emotionally, mentally, and physically; before people shun us because these denied feelings start manifesting themselves as inappropriate behavior?

We begin to recognize and honor our feelings in real time. When fear, anger, envy, greed, and jealousy appear, we identify and filter them as honestly as possible. Sometimes simple acknowledgement and perspective gathering is enough. But we also should be prepared to talk about our feelings for the purpose of gaining true understanding and acceptance. As we do so, resilience and serenity begin to permeate our minds and our souls.

On this day I will honor my feelings by unlocking them and accepting them as an essential part of my whole being that deserves love and respect.

How do you, as a schizoid, see normal people?

[I really enjoyed reading the following account, which was shown to me by Quora. And by the way - this is not my own experience, nor similar to my experience.]

Answered on Quora.com by Mad Hatter

What IS “NORMAL”???

For the first half of my life my dad, “friends”, my ex husband criticized me for not being “normal”. I asked them what that is and I got really vague answers.

What I gathered was that I was to follow the herd. I remember clear as day my ex husband whining (it sounded whiny to ME) “why can’t you just be normal??”🙄 normal HOW?

A normal woman and wife? Happy to cook and clean? Always smiling and agreeable? Never complaining, never sad, never needing exorbitant amounts of alone time? Happy to sit around listening to his friends bullshit conversations pretending I’m enjoying it? Letting him do whatever the heck he wanted while I was being criticized for just trying to exist?

He wanted me to be easily manipulated. He threatened me so many times that he would leave me. Never happened. And I never begged him to stay with me. He wasn’t counting on my non emotional, detached nature. If my ex husband ever tried to make me feel jealous it didn’t work. He came and went as he pleased. I’d be up at 3am listening to music and in my little world and HE got mad at me that I was still up. I would be annoyed that he even came home at all.
😒
Some people asked what my ex was doing and I couldn’t answer. Because I didn’t care. I wasn’t watching him. I was in my own world. Some would imply he was cheating or doing the usually Normie worries but ... I don’t think that way. I don’t care. I’m not jealous. I’m NOT insecure. You can’t even force me to worry about half the crap Normies worry about. I am forgetful and I’m too busy with my projects and causes. I have to be reminded to eat and drink water!!

The only humans I find “normal “ are children under the age of 12. They are free spirited, innocent, and honest, for the most part, before they are destroyed by the lies and hypocritical culture modern society participates in.

I call the adults Normies. And I honestly think they are weird. They think I am weird. Great. We are even. I find a lot of Normies can’t think for themselves. Customers at my restaurant ask “what’s the best thing on the menu??" Or, "what’s YOUR favorite thing on the menu?”🙄 I want to pull out lightening bolts and strike them down- have they NO taste buds or personal preference? They just want to eat what’s popular?

I find normal people freaking BORING to be honest. All wearing the same clothes, latest fashion trends, same hair cuts and styles, same reactions that they learned from the tv show “Friends”- I hated that show. I hate Sitcoms except the Golden Girls. They are for extroverts.

I just couldn’t relate to these shows where every scene is the characters going around chit chatting and arguing about one thing after another. If there was a tv show (and I was an actor for 19 years🤗) that followed me it would be alone, reading 10 books at once then messing around with seeds, cooking and randomly dancing. As soon as another person entered I would probably excuse myself and find a reason to leave. I will make up excuses to not be bothered.

Someone comes along and sees I am having fun and Enjoying myself and they are like “Hey! Here’s the party! “ and I’m like Errrrrrgh!! No! Go away!

Normies….”let’s do everything together!!😃” NO.

My 9 & 10 year old kids have never told me they wished I was normal. They love my random, wacky, loner, creative persona. They have said they wished their narcissist dad could just be a normal dad. But he has a unique personality that none of us can handle for too long.

it’s normal to care. To be emotional? I’m not normal because I don’t attach and crying over an ex lover or friend for years seems completely stupid to me. Going to see a film that everyone else is seeing? Trying to keep up with the Jones’s?? Damn, even my sons (ok MY) Lego characters have more personality. I did love the last Joker movie. I related to him.

If I found myself at a party (IF you can get me out the house…) and there was…a politician, Beyoncé, Tom Brady or Tiger Woods and then the Joker being a weirdo over in the corner- I would bypass all the others and talk to the Joker. 🤩

I’m sorry but “Normal” people are repetitive and just say and do the same things that everyone else says and does. They are just being Normal. It’s not a bad thing at all if you like that.

Schizoids are not all the same and are most likely offended that normal people think we are all the same. I for one, spend a lot of time alone and no one knows what I am doing or thinking. Why bother telling anyone how I spend every minute? Who cares? Why care what I am doing?? Who cares what I had for lunch or whether I ate at all or not??

Coworkers ask me what I am having for lunch. 🙄 I always usually get an omelette and eat two bites-then go smoke 4 cigarettes. Are they going to have an omelette too?? Get what you want! I appreciate those who have a mind of their own and don’t need to be told what to do!

I don’t want to be normal. I couldn’t be even if I tried. When I was teenager I tried to be normal and fit in and I went into a depression so deep I wanted to kill myself.

Doctors and detectives would have read my journals trying to figure out why I took my life and would have found that I was trying to be “normal” and being made fun of all the time. I’d rather be dead than normal.

No thanks. I love being me. I want all Schizoids to know: you’re ok! You are unique and intelligent and apart from the crowd. DONT follow or worship anyone but honor yourself. If some don’t like it then cut them off. But I’m sure you know how to do that. Join a Schizoid community where emotions aren’t going to get in the way.

Schizoids can DM me but don’t get attached and I might not reply right away. I’m busy in my fantasy world or basically doing nothing.

Mistakes (from daily ACA email)

Many adult children find themselves being overachievers and perfectionists. Many of us live in a white-knuckled "What if?" environment created by our own need to manage everything and everyone around us. We worry things won't be done on time or be done perfectly.

As children, most of us felt we weren't loved enough because we weren't good enough. Our parents or caretakers reinforced this by letting us know we didn't measure up. So we attempted to be perfect, which of course, fell short.

As we entered adulthood we continued to equate perfection with love or the lack thereof if things didn't work out. No one needed to berate us for imperfections; we were very capable of doing that to ourselves.

Perfectionism, control, negative projection, berating ourselves: how did we ever have time to breathe, let alone have any degree of serenity in our lives?

We become okay with imperfection. We accept our human limitations, forgive ourselves for making mistakes and release ourselves from the need to control everything in our environment.

We can take time to breathe… really breathe… as in inhale, exhale and relax.

On this day I will give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.

What was the strangest fast food order you've seen?

[answered by Mika Busch on quora.com]

I used to manage a Wendy’s location.

One day a man came in and ordered 29 junior vanilla Frosties. It took some time to pour them all and package them so I asked him if they were for like a little league team or something.

No, they were for his horses.

Apparently he runs a stable and gives them occasional treats… sugar cubes, apples… but they really love Frosties.

Politeness Theory (via quora.com)

Why are Nordic people so cold and unwilling to have social relations especially with foreigners or with people they do not know?
[Answered by Katja Kaila on quora.com]

When I came back to Finland after spending one year in the Caribbean, I had a hard time adapting to the cold.

Not so much to the climate (even if there was a remarkable difference for sure).

It was more the mental climate I had trouble adjusting to.

It has taken me lots of processing to understand something about the differences, but finally I feel that I can understand the beauty of both cultures (the Latin American and the Nordic).

It all comes down to different ways of being polite.

According to the Politeness Theory [1] , in cultures characterized by positive politeness people tend to show politeness by connecting with each other, while in cultures characterized by negative politeness people rather show respect to other people by not disturbing them.

In practice, positive politeness can in my experience manifest itself in the following ways:

- not leaving people alone
- making sure people feel welcome
- offering company without stopping to ask if it’s needed, so that other people don’t feel lonely
- not paying much attention to personal space
- not necessarily paying much attention to puctuality (if you have to choose between stopping to talk to someone and being punctual, the former is considered more important)
- prioritizing connecting and communication to other people’s privacy or sleep
- not necessarily protecting other people from loud sounds (prioritizing sharing a nice moment with your friends)

As a whole, people consider it much more important to communicate to other people that they are cared for and that they are not alone than respecting their individuality, freedom and privacy.

Negative politeness—and this is important to understand—is not being impolite, it just manifests itself in different ways. For example:

- not disturbing other people by interrupting what they were doing, unless necessary
- not intruding into someone’s company if not asked
- respecting the personal space of other people by not drawing too near them
- not taking too much space in the street or in public transportation
- appreciating other people’s precious time by being punctual and going straight to the point
- appreciating other people’s need for privacy by not asking personal questions, not visiting anyone without invitation, and not making suggestions if rejecting them would be awkward
- respecting other people’s need for peace and quiet by not making too much noise

For someone who comes from a positive politeness culture, negative politeness may seem rude and cold.

It’s important to know that the aim is to be respectful, just the ways of showing it are different.

There might naturally be some real issues, too. The politeness theory doesn’t excuse being aggressive or hostile. There are rude people in every culture.

However, I hope it helps to look at the seemingly cold and indifferent behaviour of the Nordic people through the lens of different kinds of politeness.

Not everything that looks unfriendly or unpleasant is aimed at making you feel unwelcome. It may be question of showing respect in a way you are not used to.

Footnotes

[1] Politeness theory - Wikipedia