How do I confirm that I love a person?

[Answered on Quora.com by Antonieta Contreras]

What type of love do you want to confirm? Romantic? Fraternal? Familial? Pragmatic? The list can go on.

Upfront, I could tell you that if you really love a person, you then could live without them. Love is the opposite of ownership. For example, if you fall out of love because that person cheated on you, then you can be certain that your love was not the pure type. If you love a person for as long as that person fulfills your needs or expectations, then your love is pragmatic, grounded in conditions that can range from compatibility and convenience to companionship or financial support.

I wish answers about love were straightforward or that we could find a device, like a thermometer, that could confirm we are in love and that our love is genuine, unconditional, pure, and lasting.

But love is such a complicated phenomenon that we have not been able to agree on what it is. I’ll try to respond to your question, but let me talk a little about the maximum representation of love I have found in this human existence:

Love in its most extensive manifestation is equivalent to limitless freedom, wisdom, beauty, and peace. This type of love has no object, which means that it flows without attaching to anyone or anything. Love is a force that feeds and builds the universe and each one of its elements, us included, and so, we sometimes can channel it. Some people say it’s always there but we lack the awareness. Others say that we only channel it when we become a clean vessel.

When that force enters our system, everything looks, feels, sounds, tastes, and is better. Life becomes easier, more enjoyable, more fulfilling, brighter, shinier, greater. Can we channel that energy all the time? Hopefully! But we need to be so clear of all cravings, desires, and attachments, that it’s difficult to stay there permanently.

That type of love I’m talking about is not biological, but influences our biology, big-time. When we channel that energy, our brain lights up like a Christmas tree and produces all sorts of “feel-good” chemicals. We become healthier, more motivated, more energetic, more productive, more “alive.” We also turn out to be less demanding, less ambitious, less hungry, less attached to what we normally define as happiness. We become happier by accepting whatever it is.

The inverse is also true. Our biology can influence our energetic body and clear the way to pure love. When we accept someone as they are, our brain produces all those feel-good stuff, and our channels open, facilitating the flow of the love force. That’s when we float and enjoy every second, assuming we are in love because of the relationship we are developing with certain people. We assign an object to the force we are experiencing, assuming they are the source.

That type of openness is not caused by the person but by the chemicals that help us see everything beautiful and lower our guard. Our primitive circuits are nowhere active since the liking and accepting that new person makes us feel super safe. Safer than ever! As if misery will never be a possibility again, as long as we stay connected to that person.

If that connection is just energetic, you can continue being in love and misery won’t come near you. But that’s not what normally happens. We immediately want to own that person, tie the knot so to speak, making sure they will never go anywhere else.

But right there, as soon as we fear losing them, the channels close, the chemicals stop, and the primitive circuits make us feel at risk. And that amazing production of energy becomes a dark and all-absorbing black hole.

What I could say is that we humans have the capacity to experience the very energy that creates us if we let go of all our human conditioning. If our humanity is bigger than our mind, then we get stuck on the miseries of attaching to a reality that is so limited.

So, going back to your question, to confirm you love a person, you need to be certain that you could let them live their life as they please, that they can leave if they need to, that they can use their bodies as they find it necessary, and that you won’t close the flow of your great feelings if they don’t meet your expectations.

Since that is almost impossible to do, what I suggest is to “love,” period. If you “love” as your regular mental state, you may not need to be with a person. You may enjoy the company of love, which could make your life easier and more beautiful than any person could. Then, you share that mental state with those you are with and continue working on accepting that you and they are human and that it is our condition to have needs.

It is OK to practice conditional love. Your heart and soul could love unconditionally, but your daily activities, your body, and your brain need to work on meeting your needs to give you the opportunity to clean yourself of cravings.

The better your needs are met, the less you will need, and the less you need, the more open to receiving the universe you will be.

The bottom line is that it’s better to shift our perspective from seeking fulfillment solely through relationships to finding contentment within oneself. Once you are there, sharing that love with others will confirm that you love them.