People Pleasing (from daily ACA email)

"We believe that we will be safe and never abandoned if we are ‘nice' and if we never show anger."

We went overboard to give to and care for others. No one asked us, yet we expected that in return they would nurture, praise, and acknowledge us. But why should other people be expected to go out of their way to fulfill our needs? When did they sign the contract we carried in our minds?

We learn in recovery that the praise, confidence, and caring we need must come from within ourselves. Being too nice eventually leads us to feel angry, resentful, and anxious.

As we begin to express our true feelings, we focus on ourselves and direct our energy toward identifying and correcting our character defects. Instead of getting stuck in our niceness, we follow the ACA Steps in our daily lives. As a result, heartfelt peace and contentment heal us and our relationships, one day at a time.

Relying on our Higher Power enables us to become stronger spiritually. As we no longer depend on others for our happiness, our self-confidence increases.

On this day I will stay mindful of how easy it can be to fall back into my people-pleasing mode. To help me move forward and avoid burnout, I will rely instead on my Higher Power and my sponsor to guide me.

The The "Helpline Operator"

I watch the sun go down on London town
I wait for the night voices to sound
I smell the pain upon the breath of the lost and lonely
I hear the thoughts that whisper in the hearts of all men
I'm the helpline operator and I'll spare you the time
I'm the intimate stranger. Your problems will be mine
Put your tongue into the mouthpiece
And whisper in my ear
Admit to me
the things you can't admit to yourself
Admit to me and no one else
Everybody's looking for someone
to tell them what they want to hear
Everybody's looking for true love
To help them feel what they cannot feel
I'm the helpline operator, can you spare me the time
I'm the intimate stranger - your problems will be mine
I'm the helpline operator
Helpline operator (X3)
True love will come
True love will come
Helpline operator (X4)

Noiseshaper "All A Dem A Do"

Badly Drawn Boy "Everybody's Stalking"

An animal's fear of the unknown

... is its strongest and most life-enhancing first response to a perceived potential threat.

When the unknown is confronting one, this could well be the best time to invoke a fear response.
Maybe other times, a fear response could become maladaptive.
As an aside: when does the unknown become known? (When does the animal stop arching its back and start relaxing its heart rate?)
What mechanisms facilitate this? [Parasympathetic nervous system?]

And despite thoughts of animal fear responses: I pledge that I will spend much more time in the forest.
The forest is still moist and full of new and old life, and offers some peace, some of the time.•
•There are most likely still humans and animals nearby, with unknown [!] danger potential.

Life's Too Short [not to be in love]

by Joe Pickles, via Quora.com

I came to a great realization about life at my grandfather's funeral.

Everyone was upset and crying except my grandmother; she was smiling.
I asked her why, she said "It's a lovely day for a funeral, the sun is shining, all my family and friends are here, and we get to say goodbye to a great man."
I asked her if she missed him, she said "We were married for 65 years, after 30 years I knew him as well as I know myself, we had long run out of things to say to each other, we were one, so he hasn't really gone."
"I suspected he was dying, he was going over our finances all week, I'm glad he died first, I've been the best wife I could be, and looked after him to the end." she said.
This horrified me at first, especially since I knew his cause of death was a heart attack, and the autopsy result said for an 86 year old man he was fighting fit, and minor bypass surgery would have kept him going for another decade.

Later that week, my Grandmother was excited and full of jubilation, that she would no longer have to cook and clean for him, and she was finally free to do as she wished. She wanted to continue learning Italian, and her computer studies (she was 82!) and could now play a more active role in her charity work. I could not understand this, so I asked her if she was covering her sadness up with activity.

She stopped, sighed, and sat me down and said to me, "How many times have you considered your own mortality?" I said "lots." "And you're only 22, how many times do you think we considered it?" she said.

"Your grandfather has sons, daughters, grandchildren and great-grandchildren." "He survived a war, a shark attack, and two sunken fishing boats." "He spent 50 years fishing which was the job he loved, and 37 glorious years in retirement." " We spent a year traveling Australia, and still more fishing, and when we got home, we went again, four more times." "He did everything he ever wanted to do and then some, and he decided that his life was finished, probably some years ago."

I asked her "What about you?"
"I've got plenty to do yet, sonny" - and with that she got up and patted me on the head and left.

She's 87 now and hasn't finished ...

Everybody's lifespan is different, for some sadly it is incredibly short.
So make the most of everyday as if it were your last because it could be.
If you achieve everything you ever dreamed of you have won, no matter how long that may be.

Feeling Understood (from daily ACA email)

"My sister and I don't communicate any longer since she doesn't understand who I am."

We used to make excuses for people when we said things like, "Oh, they don't know any better." There may be a lot of truth in that statement, but it feels like we were saying, "They just didn't see me when they ran me over, so it's okay." Just because someone is a family member doesn't mean we should accept the unacceptable, including subtle things like them not really hearing us, or less subtle things like having them label us as over-reactive.

We can now tell whether we're being heard or not. We realize that others don't have to agree with us, but they may not disrespect us. We recognize our needs and start to speak up for ourselves. We are learning to live a healthy emotional life, no longer wishing to be around denial and shame. We let go of those who can't journey onwards with us because we cannot carry them while we are climbing to the heights we need to keep our heads above water. We may reconnect with them later, but that will be our choice.

Before recovery, we may have spent all our energy on our families because we thought that was what we were supposed to do. Now we give our "gifts" to those who can appreciate and actually understand them.

On this day I choose to spend my time and energy on those who wish to make this journey with me. I deserve to be heard and loved for who I am.

Learning to Thrive (from daily ACA email)

"We learned to keep our thoughts and desires close to our hearts."

As we grew up, it was not safe to share any part of us. When we risked being vulnerable and letting people know what we wanted, we were shamed and ridiculed, made to feel stupid for having needs at all, let alone dreams. Our struggles may have been as basic as having to keep our own clothes clean or finding food to eat. We put all our energy into surviving. By the time we were done, we had no energy to claim our birthright, the ability to dream.

Today, we nurture ourselves by deciding what we want the universe to send us, because we're open to the possibility that we can have those things. We allow ourselves to swim around in the scent of promise. We deserve it. We realize that wanting something is not bad; it's a healthy part of being human. We allow our minds and hearts to wander because this is how we learn what we want and need. We no longer stifle ourselves with negative images and thoughts. When we are blocked, we talk about it with our sponsor or share in meetings. We don't keep it to ourselves and allow our souls to wither with isolation. We now put our needs first and are not waiting for anyone to rescue us.

On this day I will show up for myself by allowing myself to think of what I want and not just what I need to survive and thrive.

Pienokainen lyrics

Pienokainen
Kylmä huoneessain
Kylmä huulillain
Kauan kuulla sain
Kauan

Kauan
En palata voi, en voi
Kauan
En palata voi

Pois, hei lennä pois
Pois
Pois, hei lennä pois
Pois
Pois, hei lennä pois
Pois
Pois, hei lennä pois
Tyttöni pois

Taivas reunallain
Taivas unessain
Kauan tietää sain
Kauan

Kauan
En salata voi, en voi
Kauan
En salata voi

Pois, hei lennä pois
Pois
Pois, hei lennä pois
Pois
Pois, hei lennä pois
Pois
Pois, hei lennä pois
Tyttöni pois

Polttaa
En paeta voi, en voi
Polttaa
En paeta voi

Pois, hei lennä pois
Pois
Pois, hei lennä pois
Pois
Pois, hei lennä pois
Pois
Pois, hei lennä pois
Tyttöni pois

The Small One
Coldness in my room
Coldness on my lips
I got to hear it for a long time
For a long time

For a long time
I can't return, I can't
For a long time
I can't return

Away, hey fly away
Away
Away, hey fly away
Away
Away, hey fly away
Away
Away, hey fly away
Away, my daughter

Heaven at my edge
Heaven in my dream
I got to know it for a long time
For a long time

For a long time
I can't conceal it, I can't
For a long time
I can't conceal it

Away, hey fly away
Away
Away, hey fly away
Away
Away, hey fly away
Away
Away, hey fly away
Away, my daughter

It burns
I can't run, I can't
It burns
I can't run

Away, hey fly away
Away
Away, hey fly away
Away
Away, hey fly away
Away
Away, hey fly away
Away, my daughter

Rush "Afterimage"

The Cranberries "Disappointment"

Underworld "M.E."

The Beta Band "It's Not Too Beautiful"

D'reeves & Friends, Dacia Bridges "Wir geben nicht auf"

Ian Brown "Set My Baby Free"

Craig Chaquico "Sacred Ground"


Robin Trower "In This Place" (2007 Remaster)

Camelot "The Lusty Month of May"

Camelot "How to Handle a Woman" (1967)

David Bowie "Ashes To Ashes"

Lou Rawls "You'll Never Find Another Love Like Mine"

Liekki "Pienokainen"

What is the most interesting IQ study ever done?

[Answered by Sean Kernan on Quora.com]

In 1969, UCLA psychologist Dr. Robert Rosenthal did an IQ experiment.

He met with two grade-school teachers. He gave them a list of names from their new student body (20% of the class). He said that each person on that list had taken a special test and would emerge as highly intelligent within the next 12 months.

In reality, those students were chosen totally at random. As a group, they were of average intelligence.

The incredible finding is that, when they tested those children near the end of the year, each demonstrated significant increases in their IQ scores.

So what happened? Why?

The teacher’s own behavior towards those students affected the outcomes.

They gave the fake-talented students more attention. When one raised their hand to answer a question, the teacher often followed up to get better clarification. The teachers were more positive and encouraging to those students.

Meanwhile, the teacher was much shorter with students they deemed subpar. Rosenthal speculated the teacher figured the student might be dumb, so why go the extra mile?

Dr. Rosenthal said, “When we expect certain behaviors of others, we are likely to act in ways that make the expected behavior more likely to occur.”

The opposite of the Pygmalion effect is the Golem Effect; it occurs when our negative expectations generate negative results. This is partly why internalizing stereotypes is damaging.

What can we learn from these effects? Two things.

The first thing

The children in Rosenthal’s study began to internalize the belief that they were special. They bought into the idea, “I am smart so I can do this.”

Their self-efficacy grew and evolved and they stopped indulging in self-limiting beliefs.

The act of believing something to be true can impact every aspect of our life. For example, OK Cupid’s founder, Christian Rudder, did a Pygmalion experiment with online dating.

Researchers lied to users. They reversed the matching algorithm on a select group of singles, pairing them with people who were objectively incompatible. And told them they were high probability matches.

Because the participants believed they had chemistry, they messaged each other and began flirting. They were friendlier and gave each other a shot. Some ended up together.

And now, somewhere out there, someone is banging their nemesis.

We position ourselves to thrive by surrounding ourselves with people who believe in us and hold us to a high standard.

This is why toxic people have such a devastating effect on your life.

The second: Become your own teacher or mentor

Think about a good boss versus a bad boss.

A good boss knows how to communicate and holds you to high but reasonable expectations. They give you useful feedback rather than waiting for you to make a mistake and scold you.

A bad boss does the opposite of those things.

Being an effective mentor to yourself comes down to having a growth mindset.

Someone with a fixed mindset thinks their identity is pre-determined.

They are often self-defeating.

“What’s the point. I’m stupid.”

“I’m too lazy to get in shape.”

“Nobody in my family is successful so I won’t be.”

People with a growth mindset dismiss these things. They are persistent.

They choose to march forward and keep fighting. They stay defiant in the face of difficult odds. They don’t seek out reasons they can’t win.

And they are often the most successful people in the world.

The good news? The fact that you are here reading this self-help article suggests you are likely of a growth mindset.

The takeaway is simple:

- Surround yourself with great people who hold you to a high but reasonable standard.
- Treat yourself like another person who you are responsible for. Treat yourself like that student who is talented.
- Have the courage to believe in yourself even if nobody else does. Become a prophet of your own success.

Jeff Berlin “Don’t be happy! Worry!”

Ancient human DNA extracted from 20,000 year old deer tooth pendant

https://www.sciencenews.org/article/ancient-human-dna-extracted-pendant

Sanity (from daily ACA email)

"One of the keys to being restored to sanity involves surrendering our need to harm ourselves or to run from our feelings."

It is not sane to have a battle within ourselves to keep feelings from surfacing. By running from our emotions, we lose out on the valuable lessons they may teach us. When we deny or stuff feelings, they continue to hide just under the surface. They become jumbled and confusing and tend to come out with the slightest trigger.

When feelings are experienced rather than denied, they lose their power. By learning to sit with our feelings and acknowledge them, we practice self-love. As we start to love ourselves more, we will want to harm ourselves less and begin to treat ourselves with genuine kindness and compassion.

But we don't just stop the behavior of self-harm all at once. Part of the process is to surrender this need to our Higher Power, knowing that we will be shown how to love ourselves. Whether quickly or slowly, we come to have faith.

On this day I will nurture myself by accepting my feelings as they arise, knowing they hold opportunities for me to grow and love myself more fully.

Maternal Mental Health

https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2023/05/health/maternal-mental-health-as-equals-intl-cmd/index.html