No fire insurance

I have no insurance to cover [CZU August lightning complex] fire happenings, since I did not initiate a new renter's insurance policy before this. I had a quote in hand for renter's insurance startimg September 1, but I hadn't yet gone ahead with signing on, with the ongoing busyness of my then-current move (during covid-19 times). Next time maybe I won't do such a thing, again.

Reparenting

"The need to reparent ourselves comes from our efforts to feel safe as children." Because of our dysfunctional childhoods, we usually see things differently than others. We don't feel all warm and fuzzy when we see a TV commercial where the salesperson loudly exclaims, "Come on in. We'll treat you like family!" In our minds, that doesn't sound like such a good thing, because our families weren't safe. And when we feel compelled to buy a greeting card for a parent, we are grateful we can find something in the humor section rather than choose one that gushes with gratitude. But underneath the humor, there is a deep sadness. We learn to recognize the reality of our feelings. We make a choice that instead of remaining under the layers of dysfunction, we will take positive steps to reparent ourselves. These steps and the path we're on may not always be crystal clear, but we keep coming back until we find where we need to go. Along the way, we grieve the loss of what might have been. And we work towards someday getting to a place of forgiveness, which will help us far more than anything else. On this day I honor my feelings and the reality of what was in order to choose a new way of living and reparenting myself.

True Self

"While the Inner Child or True Self can be the spark of our creativity, we must also remember the child is a deeply hurt part of ourselves." Many of us have pursued an understanding of our True Self, awakening our Inner Child and expressing our creativity in hopes of relieving ourselves from suffering. Yet we face an obstacle - a persistent and harsh selfjudgment that we can't seem to stop. This underlying thinking compels us to continue dysfunctional and addictive behaviors. We wonder why we can't get out from under this "curse-like" self-sabotage and realize the promise of our True Self. We learn to get in touch with and feel the pain and grief of the deeply hurt parts of ourselves in order for the True Self to blossom. We've avoided this for years, usually unconsciously, and we've suffered from the consequences of this avoidance. We come to see that we won't enjoy the fulfillment of living as our True Selves until we face and get free from the roots of the wounded parts from childhood. With our Higher Power's help, and support from our fellow travelers, we practice a gentle and gradual process of peeling the layers of the onion to find the core of our pain and, paradoxically, to find the joy of our True Self. It's an organic process unique to each of us, yet we're supported in a unified approach that integrates the Steps, our Higher Power, and our Inner Child. On this day I have the courage to face what's necessary so I can realize the promise of my True Self.

Shame and Blame

"You will find freedom to express all the hurts and fears you have kept inside and to free yourself from the shame and blame that are carryovers from the past." The cycle of shame and blame was well established in our families of origin. We heard abusive words and/or were physically punished. We emerged from all of this with an established sense of shame that included thinking of ourselves as Defective: something is wrong with me Helpless: nothing can be done about this Alone: nobody else has this problem As adults, some of us found that if we shifted blame to others, we could hide our own sense of shame. Some of us may have lashed out with extreme anger, not knowing where it came from, or used perfectionism, pride, people-pleasing, and approval-seeking to cover up our sense of shame. Some of us fell victim to addictions. We come to appreciate that there is nothing wrong with us that meetings, a sponsor and consistently working the Steps cannot overcome. Shame and blame give way to an understanding that we make mistakes, but we are not mistakes! We claim the identity that we are inherently good, even with all our perceived misgivings, warts and dents. On this day I will use my courage and honesty to break the generational bonds of shame and blame.

Unconditional Love

"The child feels he must perform or do well to earn a parent's love." For many of us, we had to perform appropriately to get any feeling of love or acceptance as children. But conditional love was the only love, if any, that we received. Many times the conditions were as dysfunctional as the love, and often they changed from day to day. We heard people talk of unconditional love, but many of us didn't think that it really existed. When we listen to the voices in our heads that tell us we're not good enough, we understand this is our inner critic. It's no longer our parent's voice, but our own, repeating the negative words spoken to us as children. But how did this happen? We weren't going to be like our parents. But here we are telling ourselves the very words that cut us like a knife when we were vulnerable children. Once we see the harm we are doing to ourselves and know why it's happening, the ACA program helps us replace negative words with positive affirmations. We can give ourselves the unconditional love that was denied us as children. We don't have to please anyone to get it. The cycle of pain is ending. We are now free to face life with a positive frame of mind, getting ready to give the blessing of unconditional love to others. On this day I give myself unconditional love and acceptance. In doing so, I will then truly be able to accept and love others.

Tolerating Pain

"The level of pain that adult children can tolerate without admitting they have hit a bottom is astonishing." We learned to live with pain as children and continued to do so as adults. When faced with the pain of toxic relationships, we slip into survival mode to avoid the uncertainty of change. We know that our lives are in chaos, that we accept the unacceptable from the people around us, and that we have no reason to expect tomorrow to be better. Yet we trudge through each day, often with a pain so deep it feels out of reach. Everyone has felt the apprehension that comes with change. Often, fear of change is so strong that we can still convince ourselves that things aren't that bad. We are all creatures of habit, even when those habits are harmful to us. The question is, do we want to live a life that "isn't that bad," or do we have the faith in our Higher Power, in our program, and in ourselves to overcome the fear of change? We do not have to do this alone. Our fellow travelers are more than willing to take the journey with us. On this day I will reach out my hand to end the cycle of pain and know there will be someone there to hold onto.

Step Eight

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all."

Making an amends list is part of wiping the slate clean for ourselves and walking into a new way of life. Many of us had been part of physically and emotionally unsafe relationships as adults, and we knew we eventually had to own our part in those relationships.

As we made our amends list, we were told to put ourselves first. In doing so, we thought about all the things we had lost, most importantly our childhoods, and what that meant for us. Even though we missed the stages of child development we were entitled to, we realized we could nurture ourselves and help make up for that loss.

In making amends to ourselves, we acknowledge any self-harm we have done, including not forgiving ourselves for simply being human. Then we move on to amends to others, knowing we aren't being asked to make amends to unsafe people.

Taking Step Eight helps us grow spiritually and emotionally. Whatever amends we eventually make, it's a healing process. As part of this process, we continue to work on the character defects that have placed us in the position of making amends in the first place. We go forward in confidence and love to whatever comes next.

On this day I will stay current with the amends I owe myself, and then work with those I may owe others.

Dissociation

"Another form of not being in the body involves dissociation or ‘leaving the body.'"

As kids, we may have gotten into big trouble when we showed how we felt. So many of us taught our little faces and voices and bodies NOT to show emotion. We may have eventually learned to disconnect from our feelings even before they surfaced. We knew we had to live physically in our bodies, but we could refuse to listen to what our bodies were trying to tell us. Some of us became so dissociated that we even looked at others to know when to smile or frown. We had lost our identities in the process.

We heard dissociation described as a disconnection from our feelings, thoughts, body needs and other parts of ourselves. We also learned that childhood trauma was the cause.

At meetings, when we heard others say they felt numb, empty or dead inside, we may have identified because of our own trauma and disconnect. We heard that change is possible, but it requires work.

When we make the commitment to ourselves, our feelings start to show up; they may be strong and come in large quantities. It's scary, but we have the support of others. Working the program, and learning to trust in a Higher Power, helps us restore our True Selves. We accept our feelings and become who we were meant to be.

On this day I will pause, find a quiet place to sit, and breathe whenever I feel disconnected from myself. I will maintain conscious contact with my Higher Power ... and with myself.

Gratitude

"The gratitude we feel is limitless."

Often we may have said or thought to ourselves at a meeting, "I had so much going on that I almost didn't come, but I am so grateful I did because I heard just what I needed." As our recovery progresses, we are thankful for what may seem to some of us like divine timing. We feel grateful for the right meeting topic at the best possible moment. Often a fellow traveler with just the right message will show up when we are ready, or perhaps the message has been there all along and we're finally ready to hear it. Sometimes we may see a person only once, but what they say or demonstrate is exactly what hits home for us at that moment.

All around us we begin to notice our needs are being met when we're ready to recognize what is being placed before us. We may even be lucky enough to receive something we just want. Whatever we receive, it will be a gift.

If something is presented that we don't want or need, we have the choice to let it go and turn it over. Sometimes we are just meant to have the information so we can pass it on to someone else who needs that very gift.

On this day I am aware of the wonderful gifts that appear when I need them. I am grateful for the opportunities they present for personal growth.