I’m 14. How can I explain to my parents that the things I like aren’t a phase? They think the way I dress and the music I like is all a phase but it’s going on since I was 10 or 11. What do I do?

[Answered on Quora.com by Kay Smith]

I'm gonna lay down some grownup perspective, bruh (I dont know if you're a guy or girl, but rest assured, I've called my wife “bruh" on occasion). “Since I was 10,” means 4 years. There are 4 year phases. There are 10 year phases. Everything you like is a phase. You spent the first few years of your life in a “diaper phase.”

I understand the frustration of having something you enjoy minimized because they call it a phase, but there is a serious risk when denying things are just phases. Some people I know fought the “it's just a phase" comments so hard that they never change; never evolve. They continue to be the same person they were when they were 14 just to prove a point. To be honest, everyone sees it and it's kind of pathetic (the person I'm talking about is in her 50's, and she acts like a teen).

Don't worry, though, there is still something you can do about people saying it's “just a phase.” First, divide people into two categories: People that matter and people that don't. Random grownups, school friends, and mild acquaintances don't matter; who cares what they think? Dont try to explain yourself to them. Your parents and loved ones, however, matter and this is how you can explain to them your situation:

Start by explaining that you understand that everything is a phase. People are complex beings and need room to evolve. You understand that, and they shouldn't be afraid of you being stuck in the same phase forever. That being said, you are happy the way you are. This phase is YOUR phase to own it. You know that everyone looks back on their “phases” and are a little embarrassed about them, but you can either look back and feel silly about your phase, or you can look back and resent the people that made you change too early. Ask them to please let you be yourself and, in return, you promise to evolve when YOUR time comes.

Some favored songs heard today

Wilco performing "Impossible Germany" Live on KCRW


National Health "The Bryden 2-Step (For Amphibians) (Part 1)"


Nektar "The Dream Nebula (Part 1)"


Anekdoten "The War Is Over" (official video)


Béla Fleck "Sex in a Pan"



Jeff Beck "Cause We've Ended As Lovers"


Bill Frisell "Pipeline" - This one goes out to my youngsters

What kind of parents cause narcissism?

[Answered on Quora.com by Leslie Randall]

Along with others, I agree that some degree of parental neglect, abuse or abandonment can be involved, but I also think there can be a mismatch between the high emotional needs of the child, and a parent who is already themselves damaged and so unable to give love. Things like narcissism get transmitted down the generations in this way.

Most, and perhaps even all children experience some form of disappointment at the hands of their parents. The important thing is for the child to admit, as they grow up, that they were wounded, and to seek help or do the hard work of processing it. It helps if the parent is able to admit that they have flaws, and unavoidably failed the child in some way.

But the other choice for the child is to decide that they were not hurt, to enter into a state of denial in order to “save the happy appearances” of their upbringing. Being unable to admit the hurt, they can not work on themselves, and instead turn to creating an inflated version of themselves. This is the core of narcissism, and it’s born of a tragedy. Narcissists are unable to look inside, because then they would have to face the wounds and they are just not strong enough to do it. So they take a shortcut that makes them strangers to their own inner life - out of touch with themselves, their true nature, and also unable to empathize with the wounds of others.

I feel sorry for narcissists. Therapy is so painful for them that they avoid it at all costs. I don’t know why they make the choice they do to deny their own inner hurt. But I also avoid them, as they are like a black hole when it comes to giving love. There isn’t any there to give.

I speak from experience - my mother had narcissistic personality disorder, and I managed to marry a narcissist and stayed with him for 32 years. That’s because I am the daughter of a narcissist, and that is a whole other story. However I am here to say you can break away, and you can find real love at any point in your life. I did it at age 58.