"If our parents have said we are bad, dumb, or inferior, they were actually projecting what they believed about themselves. As children we were defenseless to throw off these projections. This is loss and grief carried into our adult years."
The messages received during childhood can seem like an endless tape, the soundtrack of our often dramatic lifestyles.
Underneath the 'scapegoat' role one can hear the echoes of a caregiver who might have said, "You are a loser." Beneath the ‘hero' role, the equally disabling charge of being a "perfect child" rings in the ears. As children, we may have accepted such words as true; what we actually felt was likely denied.
Whether we were belittled for being kids or praised for being perfect, we may have unwittingly carried these charges into our complex adult lives as a secret code of conduct. As we recover, we begin to realize that such messages stole from us our authentic internal sense of worth.
We listen carefully for those messages, recognizing their debilitating effects and how we recreate or reinforce them. Then we gradually work to reduce their hold on us.
On this day I will notice the messages replaying from my childhood. I will begin to lower their volume in my life until I can hear the voice of my authentic, True Self instead.
Saturday, November 12, 2022
Friday, November 4, 2022
Thursday, November 3, 2022
Wednesday, November 2, 2022
This regularly happened to me, as well
DEAR ABBY: I’m a married woman in my 50s with two adult children and one grandchild. I work as a nurse. I wear my hair short because I have thick, unruly hair.
One day, at a supermarket, I was walking down the aisles looking for my husband. A man and his wife had a young daughter about 6 years old with them. He called me a slang word for lesbian. I ignored him and continued walking. He looked annoyed that his word didn’t bother me. (I am not a confrontational person.)
When I got home, I was thinking about the incident. It bothered me that he was teaching his young daughter that it’s OK to call people names.
When I see or meet people, I notice if they are kind and show manners. I don’t think about whether they’re gay or not.
Was I right to ignore him and walk away?
SHORT-HAIRED IN TEXAS
DEAR SHORT-HAIRED: You were absolutely right to keep walking. There was nothing to be gained by trying to educate an ignorant homophobe who appears to have been trying to start a fight.
The best reaction you could have given was the one you did — which was to prevent him getting a rise out of you. But I’m sorry you didn’t inform your husband when it happened.
[Note from me: what good would it have done to tell her husband?!]
One day, at a supermarket, I was walking down the aisles looking for my husband. A man and his wife had a young daughter about 6 years old with them. He called me a slang word for lesbian. I ignored him and continued walking. He looked annoyed that his word didn’t bother me. (I am not a confrontational person.)
When I got home, I was thinking about the incident. It bothered me that he was teaching his young daughter that it’s OK to call people names.
When I see or meet people, I notice if they are kind and show manners. I don’t think about whether they’re gay or not.
Was I right to ignore him and walk away?
SHORT-HAIRED IN TEXAS
DEAR SHORT-HAIRED: You were absolutely right to keep walking. There was nothing to be gained by trying to educate an ignorant homophobe who appears to have been trying to start a fight.
The best reaction you could have given was the one you did — which was to prevent him getting a rise out of you. But I’m sorry you didn’t inform your husband when it happened.
[Note from me: what good would it have done to tell her husband?!]
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