Monday, October 31, 2022
False Belief (from daily ACA email)
"The effects of verbal and emotional abuse are hard to comprehend because we never thought to challenge what was said to us or about us. If we were told we were worthless or ignorant as children, we believed it without question."
For many of us, our caretakers taught us in action and deed that we were worthless. When there was no food, we thought it was because we deserved none. We were bad. We cried alone in our rooms, but eventually learned not to cry when we saw that it made us more vulnerable. We retreated from our bodies and emotions until nothing was left but confusion. The trauma was complete. We had become numbed-out zombies compulsively seeking the next shock to remind us we were still alive.
We now allow ourselves to get angry at those who harmed us and others who knew and did nothing. We journal, we talk to friends. We rage and hit pillows with wiffle bats and scream if we have to, but we don't hold it all in. We let go of blaming ourselves. We know we weren't the cause of what happened.
We now choose to be around those who validate us when we talk about what happened and let go of those who stare blankly as we recount our childhood. We don't spell it out - we just let go.
On this day I choose to talk to those who can truly hear me and let go of those who can't. I know I am worthwhile and deserve to have caring people in my life.
For many of us, our caretakers taught us in action and deed that we were worthless. When there was no food, we thought it was because we deserved none. We were bad. We cried alone in our rooms, but eventually learned not to cry when we saw that it made us more vulnerable. We retreated from our bodies and emotions until nothing was left but confusion. The trauma was complete. We had become numbed-out zombies compulsively seeking the next shock to remind us we were still alive.
We now allow ourselves to get angry at those who harmed us and others who knew and did nothing. We journal, we talk to friends. We rage and hit pillows with wiffle bats and scream if we have to, but we don't hold it all in. We let go of blaming ourselves. We know we weren't the cause of what happened.
We now choose to be around those who validate us when we talk about what happened and let go of those who stare blankly as we recount our childhood. We don't spell it out - we just let go.
On this day I choose to talk to those who can truly hear me and let go of those who can't. I know I am worthwhile and deserve to have caring people in my life.
Saturday, October 29, 2022
The Beloved "Hello" (official)
A hit from my youth - a fun song typical of the time it came out, I think:
Thursday, October 27, 2022
Miss Manners 2022-10-27
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law of about 40 years has always kept information about her life pretty close to her vest. Lately it’s gotten worse.
She doesn’t talk about her new car (when asked, all she would say was, “It doesn’t have leather seats”), her new computer, their whole new heating system, the work they had done on their deck, even their vacations or weekend getaways. Nothing is our business.
Now the situation with my nephew is similar. I live relatively far away from most of my family, so I can understand my nephew not sharing tons of stuff with me. But you’d think his wife would say something about her job, her friends, her parents, her daughter’s day care, something — if not to me, to her husband’s parents, aunts, uncles, etc. Something.
Instead, she sits at the table like, “Just talk to him; I’m busy contemplating my navel.”
I’m guessing there’s some millennial etiquette book that says to new wives, “You don’t have to have anything to do with your husband’s family — let him deal with them,” but I don’t like this. Also, I’d hate to see this go on for another 20 years.
Would you make a big announcement that when you enter someone’s home, you should at least say “hello” to them? You really should assume they went to some trouble and are doing you a favor, not that you are doing them a favor by showing up and announcing that you have to leave soon to do something more important.
When you go to someone’s home for dinner or cake or coffee (or anything else), you should have at least one topic of conversation. At a minimum, you should say something about yourself, not, “So, how are things going?” to the person sitting next to you. In general, people do not die from making conversation.
Please add that it’s very rude to sit at a table with people, time after time, and let them wonder about 1. where you work or what you do for a living, 2. how you like your job, 3. what’s been bothering you, 4. something you’re reading or have seen on TV, 5. something you like or don’t like, or 6. any plans you’re making that you think will be fun (or won’t be).
I don’t know how people can just not talk for decades, but I guess they can. I really don’t know why these people show up.
GENTLE READER: Expecting relatives to be social in a social setting is reasonable, and Miss Manners can even agree to your suggestion that everyone bring at least one topic to the dinner table.
Where she differs is in being grateful, not exasperated, if they do not expect widespread interest in their new car, their new computer, their heating system or their deck installation.
She doesn’t talk about her new car (when asked, all she would say was, “It doesn’t have leather seats”), her new computer, their whole new heating system, the work they had done on their deck, even their vacations or weekend getaways. Nothing is our business.
Now the situation with my nephew is similar. I live relatively far away from most of my family, so I can understand my nephew not sharing tons of stuff with me. But you’d think his wife would say something about her job, her friends, her parents, her daughter’s day care, something — if not to me, to her husband’s parents, aunts, uncles, etc. Something.
Instead, she sits at the table like, “Just talk to him; I’m busy contemplating my navel.”
I’m guessing there’s some millennial etiquette book that says to new wives, “You don’t have to have anything to do with your husband’s family — let him deal with them,” but I don’t like this. Also, I’d hate to see this go on for another 20 years.
Would you make a big announcement that when you enter someone’s home, you should at least say “hello” to them? You really should assume they went to some trouble and are doing you a favor, not that you are doing them a favor by showing up and announcing that you have to leave soon to do something more important.
When you go to someone’s home for dinner or cake or coffee (or anything else), you should have at least one topic of conversation. At a minimum, you should say something about yourself, not, “So, how are things going?” to the person sitting next to you. In general, people do not die from making conversation.
Please add that it’s very rude to sit at a table with people, time after time, and let them wonder about 1. where you work or what you do for a living, 2. how you like your job, 3. what’s been bothering you, 4. something you’re reading or have seen on TV, 5. something you like or don’t like, or 6. any plans you’re making that you think will be fun (or won’t be).
I don’t know how people can just not talk for decades, but I guess they can. I really don’t know why these people show up.
GENTLE READER: Expecting relatives to be social in a social setting is reasonable, and Miss Manners can even agree to your suggestion that everyone bring at least one topic to the dinner table.
Where she differs is in being grateful, not exasperated, if they do not expect widespread interest in their new car, their new computer, their heating system or their deck installation.
Wednesday, October 26, 2022
6 Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect in a Partner or Friend
"Once you see the signs, you can take special steps with your loved one."
by Jonice Webb
Posted to Psychology Today on October 25, 2022 - Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
KEY POINTS
• Those who grew up in emotionally neglectful homes show certain characteristics that affect friendships and relationships. • Most emotionally neglected people are very giving and caring, but they're not great at self-disclosure or dealing with conflict. • A person who sees the emotional neglect in someone else can treat them slightly differently to draw them out and counter their childhood neglect.
If you’ve seen Disney’s film Encanto, you most likely remember how important the family house, Casita, was to the storyline. Casita’s foundation was cracking and each family member felt the impact in different ways. Without a solid base, relationships were rupturing and each individual within the home felt as if something very important was missing from their lives. The more these cracks were ignored, the more prominent and disruptive things grew.
Just like the film suggested, think of a house’s foundation as where you come from. Your foundation includes your childhood, your family values and ideals, and how you were treated and taught to operate in the world.
Below are some examples of people who have cracks in their foundations:
Lauren and Rachel are good friends and have known one another for years. Lauren feels like she can go to her friend for advice and often remarks on how Rachel is such a good listener. But recently, Lauren has noticed she shares quite a bit more than Rachel and actually doesn’t know much about Rachel’s personal life. She begins to question their friendship.
Mike is a competent project manager who gets along well with the employees that work below him. He is respected for his hard work ethic and dedication to his projects. Recently, his supervisor has noticed that Mike has difficulty when conflicts arise among his team. Mike grows extremely uncomfortable when issues are brought to his attention. As a result, there are multiple unresolved conflicts that are interfering with the workplace environment.
Antonio is growing frustrated with his girlfriend when it comes to making decisions. Claudia often deflects when he asks her what she wants and Antonio is left to pick the meals, plan outings, or even choose what shows they watch together. He finds himself attempting to mindread since Claudia seldom shares how she feels.
What do Rachel, Mike, and Claudia have in common? On the outside, they seem to have it all together, but the people around them slowly uncover areas in which they struggle. These cracks in their foundations stem from childhood emotional neglect.
When emotional needs go unmet in a child’s upbringing, that child is denied vital ingredients to live a vibrant, wholehearted, and connected adult life. Perhaps without even knowing it, they built their life atop a cracked, crooked, or unstable foundation.
Equipping yourself with knowledge on childhood emotional neglect can be life-changing for you and your loved one. If someone you know has emotional neglect cracks in their foundation, it is possible to better understand them, learn how to effectively communicate, or even share some information you know about childhood emotional neglect and the mark it leaves.
6 Traits to Look for in Adults With Childhood Emotional Neglect
1. The topic of conversation is seldom about them. Perhaps you ask your friend or family member questions about themselves and they respond with brief answers or change the topic. You may notice you do most of the talking.
2. They minimize their own needs. They are attentive to the needs of others but seem to neglect themselves. Self-care may be a struggle.
3. They have trouble showing and communicating how they feel. You often wonder what they’re thinking or feeling and find yourself attempting to guess. It may sometimes seem impossible to know if they’re angry or hurt.
4. They don’t share their preferences, likes, or dislikes. You may feel like you don’t know this basic information about your loved one.
5. They’re conflict avoiders. They rarely disclose issues they’re having. Or, if a problem arises in your relationship with them, they have difficulty talking about it so issues go unaddressed.
6. When people around them openly express their feelings, they grow uncomfortable. They may freeze up, apologize unnecessarily, or leave altogether.
When parents ignore or reject emotions, the child learns that their feelings don’t matter. So, they do what they need to do to survive: wall off their emotions so they are not a burden to themselves or others.
While this may have been helpful in childhood and the environment they lived in, they now live a life out of touch with the emotional world. They have difficulty identifying and understanding their feelings, their preferences, and what they need. Deep down, it feels like they don’t matter and are less valid than everyone else.
When folks with emotional neglect wall off their emotions, they unintentionally wall off essential aspects of who they are. They are then separated from their emotion, the deepest, most personal expression of who they are. They may appear fine to everyone else. But it’s just a matter of time before someone comes inside their house and notices the cracks.
What to Do if You Think Someone Has Childhood Emotional Neglect
1. Take an interest in who they are and validate what they have to say. Ask them questions and give them a chance to think about themselves for a change. This can guide them toward reflecting upon their own feelings, desires, and needs.
2. Offer support and compassion when there’s conflict. Remember that conflict is especially difficult for someone with emotional neglect. Use your best communication skills and acknowledge their discomfort.
3. If you feel it’s right, talk to your loved one about emotional neglect. You can kindly share information you have learned or guide them to helpful resources.
4. Use caution. Your job is to be a supportive friend or family member, not to take on the job of repairing cracks in their foundation yourself. They need to do this work on their own time and when they are ready.
Your friend or family member with childhood emotional neglect did not receive emotional education or emotional validation or feel it was safe to be in touch with their emotions growing up. You are able to give them something they never had before: emotional acceptance and safety.
Just like in Encanto, what helped Casita form a new, solid, and structurally sound foundation was the love and connection among the family members inside the home. With some attention and compassion, a new foundation can be built.
by Jonice Webb
Posted to Psychology Today on October 25, 2022 - Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
KEY POINTS
• Those who grew up in emotionally neglectful homes show certain characteristics that affect friendships and relationships. • Most emotionally neglected people are very giving and caring, but they're not great at self-disclosure or dealing with conflict. • A person who sees the emotional neglect in someone else can treat them slightly differently to draw them out and counter their childhood neglect.
If you’ve seen Disney’s film Encanto, you most likely remember how important the family house, Casita, was to the storyline. Casita’s foundation was cracking and each family member felt the impact in different ways. Without a solid base, relationships were rupturing and each individual within the home felt as if something very important was missing from their lives. The more these cracks were ignored, the more prominent and disruptive things grew.
Just like the film suggested, think of a house’s foundation as where you come from. Your foundation includes your childhood, your family values and ideals, and how you were treated and taught to operate in the world.
Below are some examples of people who have cracks in their foundations:
Lauren and Rachel are good friends and have known one another for years. Lauren feels like she can go to her friend for advice and often remarks on how Rachel is such a good listener. But recently, Lauren has noticed she shares quite a bit more than Rachel and actually doesn’t know much about Rachel’s personal life. She begins to question their friendship.
Mike is a competent project manager who gets along well with the employees that work below him. He is respected for his hard work ethic and dedication to his projects. Recently, his supervisor has noticed that Mike has difficulty when conflicts arise among his team. Mike grows extremely uncomfortable when issues are brought to his attention. As a result, there are multiple unresolved conflicts that are interfering with the workplace environment.
Antonio is growing frustrated with his girlfriend when it comes to making decisions. Claudia often deflects when he asks her what she wants and Antonio is left to pick the meals, plan outings, or even choose what shows they watch together. He finds himself attempting to mindread since Claudia seldom shares how she feels.
What do Rachel, Mike, and Claudia have in common? On the outside, they seem to have it all together, but the people around them slowly uncover areas in which they struggle. These cracks in their foundations stem from childhood emotional neglect.
When emotional needs go unmet in a child’s upbringing, that child is denied vital ingredients to live a vibrant, wholehearted, and connected adult life. Perhaps without even knowing it, they built their life atop a cracked, crooked, or unstable foundation.
Equipping yourself with knowledge on childhood emotional neglect can be life-changing for you and your loved one. If someone you know has emotional neglect cracks in their foundation, it is possible to better understand them, learn how to effectively communicate, or even share some information you know about childhood emotional neglect and the mark it leaves.
6 Traits to Look for in Adults With Childhood Emotional Neglect
1. The topic of conversation is seldom about them. Perhaps you ask your friend or family member questions about themselves and they respond with brief answers or change the topic. You may notice you do most of the talking.
2. They minimize their own needs. They are attentive to the needs of others but seem to neglect themselves. Self-care may be a struggle.
3. They have trouble showing and communicating how they feel. You often wonder what they’re thinking or feeling and find yourself attempting to guess. It may sometimes seem impossible to know if they’re angry or hurt.
4. They don’t share their preferences, likes, or dislikes. You may feel like you don’t know this basic information about your loved one.
5. They’re conflict avoiders. They rarely disclose issues they’re having. Or, if a problem arises in your relationship with them, they have difficulty talking about it so issues go unaddressed.
6. When people around them openly express their feelings, they grow uncomfortable. They may freeze up, apologize unnecessarily, or leave altogether.
When parents ignore or reject emotions, the child learns that their feelings don’t matter. So, they do what they need to do to survive: wall off their emotions so they are not a burden to themselves or others.
While this may have been helpful in childhood and the environment they lived in, they now live a life out of touch with the emotional world. They have difficulty identifying and understanding their feelings, their preferences, and what they need. Deep down, it feels like they don’t matter and are less valid than everyone else.
When folks with emotional neglect wall off their emotions, they unintentionally wall off essential aspects of who they are. They are then separated from their emotion, the deepest, most personal expression of who they are. They may appear fine to everyone else. But it’s just a matter of time before someone comes inside their house and notices the cracks.
What to Do if You Think Someone Has Childhood Emotional Neglect
1. Take an interest in who they are and validate what they have to say. Ask them questions and give them a chance to think about themselves for a change. This can guide them toward reflecting upon their own feelings, desires, and needs.
2. Offer support and compassion when there’s conflict. Remember that conflict is especially difficult for someone with emotional neglect. Use your best communication skills and acknowledge their discomfort.
3. If you feel it’s right, talk to your loved one about emotional neglect. You can kindly share information you have learned or guide them to helpful resources.
4. Use caution. Your job is to be a supportive friend or family member, not to take on the job of repairing cracks in their foundation yourself. They need to do this work on their own time and when they are ready.
Your friend or family member with childhood emotional neglect did not receive emotional education or emotional validation or feel it was safe to be in touch with their emotions growing up. You are able to give them something they never had before: emotional acceptance and safety.
Just like in Encanto, what helped Casita form a new, solid, and structurally sound foundation was the love and connection among the family members inside the home. With some attention and compassion, a new foundation can be built.
Monday, October 24, 2022
Sunday, October 23, 2022
Safety (from daily ACA email)
Our meetings offer a safe environment for adult children to share their common experiences.
Because of the many kinds of abuse and/or neglect we've experienced, both as children and adults, it is a huge issue for us to be able to connect with ourselves, other adult children, and a Higher Power.
We can begin by just showing up at ACA meetings. We are not forced to share; the choice is ours. We work at our own pace, perhaps just observing and getting a feel for things. And when we are ready, we can begin to absorb and actually work the ACA program.
As we break out of isolation, we realize we are not alone. We start working the Steps and understanding the Traditions. We may use the tool of journaling as a way to uncover what's going on for us. But however we do things, we let the ACA program, other people, and our Higher Power into our lives.
There is no special order to how things have to work. We are unique, and we do recovery in the way that works best for us. It's only important that we do it, because we deserve the safe, healthy connections that are now available to us.
On this day I know that my meetings provide the safety that helps me continue my personal growth.
Because of the many kinds of abuse and/or neglect we've experienced, both as children and adults, it is a huge issue for us to be able to connect with ourselves, other adult children, and a Higher Power.
We can begin by just showing up at ACA meetings. We are not forced to share; the choice is ours. We work at our own pace, perhaps just observing and getting a feel for things. And when we are ready, we can begin to absorb and actually work the ACA program.
As we break out of isolation, we realize we are not alone. We start working the Steps and understanding the Traditions. We may use the tool of journaling as a way to uncover what's going on for us. But however we do things, we let the ACA program, other people, and our Higher Power into our lives.
There is no special order to how things have to work. We are unique, and we do recovery in the way that works best for us. It's only important that we do it, because we deserve the safe, healthy connections that are now available to us.
On this day I know that my meetings provide the safety that helps me continue my personal growth.
Thursday, October 20, 2022
Friday, October 7, 2022
Moderation (from daily ACA email)
"Today, when I am acting compulsively, I take a breather from that activity to moderate my behavior. Sometimes I have to say aloud, ‘I'm turning this over to God.'"
We have homes with automatic temperature controls. The heat doesn't engage until the thermostat senses there's not enough warm air, and the air conditioning does the reverse.
This process of modulation (regulating according to measure or proportion) was not present in our families of origin. Nearly every life situation either received a maximal response or was virtually ignored (denial). A parent could rage over a traffic jam, but never discuss a tragic family death.
This lack of modulation or moderation in response to life's events sent most of us into our adult lives without effective role models or acceptable ways to handle our emotions. We had two settings, MAX ON and MAX OFF, and we didn't understand why. We blew up with anger and had no clue why we were unable to grieve serious life events. We now know we were programmed to be that way.
We see that we're not alone. We gain serenity and can thoughtfully assess a life event, and then decide on a reasonable course of action, if action is required. We learn to do our part and then "Let Go and Let God." As we go through this process, we gain serenity.
On this day I can choose a modulated response to a situation. I choose NOT to use the reactionary or denial behaviors I learned as a child.
We have homes with automatic temperature controls. The heat doesn't engage until the thermostat senses there's not enough warm air, and the air conditioning does the reverse.
This process of modulation (regulating according to measure or proportion) was not present in our families of origin. Nearly every life situation either received a maximal response or was virtually ignored (denial). A parent could rage over a traffic jam, but never discuss a tragic family death.
This lack of modulation or moderation in response to life's events sent most of us into our adult lives without effective role models or acceptable ways to handle our emotions. We had two settings, MAX ON and MAX OFF, and we didn't understand why. We blew up with anger and had no clue why we were unable to grieve serious life events. We now know we were programmed to be that way.
We see that we're not alone. We gain serenity and can thoughtfully assess a life event, and then decide on a reasonable course of action, if action is required. We learn to do our part and then "Let Go and Let God." As we go through this process, we gain serenity.
On this day I can choose a modulated response to a situation. I choose NOT to use the reactionary or denial behaviors I learned as a child.
Tuesday, October 4, 2022
Saturday, October 1, 2022
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