Saturday, December 31, 2022
some text from a Politico article
“My dad ran our young family like one of his army platoons,” he [Mike Pence] writes in his book.
Ed Pence — who died of a heart attack when Pence was 28, while Pence was on the trail speaking at a Republican Club event — rarely attended his sons’ extracurricular activities, including his brothers’ football games and Pence’s speaking competitions.
When Pence and his brothers tried to get their father to help them with a Mother’s Day gift, Ed demurred. She wasn’t his mother, he told them.
Ed Pence — who died of a heart attack when Pence was 28, while Pence was on the trail speaking at a Republican Club event — rarely attended his sons’ extracurricular activities, including his brothers’ football games and Pence’s speaking competitions.
When Pence and his brothers tried to get their father to help them with a Mother’s Day gift, Ed demurred. She wasn’t his mother, he told them.
Sunday, December 25, 2022
Serenity (from daily ACA email)
"We can find serenity"
We may not have experienced what we think of as serenity - we see it as something other people have, not us. We may not even know what serenity is, let alone where to look for it. What does it feel like?
It may be best to start by examining what we think serenity might be. Maybe it's a magical, peaceful feeling that totally engulfs someone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. With this feeling, people never feel stress, fear or anxiety. Well, that's a nice idea to contemplate, but we know in our heart of hearts that it's not reality.
A more realistic view of serenity is to think of it as a core of acceptance that already resides deep inside us - something that we haven't yet tapped into or perhaps acknowledged. It may be small, even tiny now. But it will grow. We learn to recognize and feel little moments of it in our lives.
We find serenity when we accept our life - past and present, and learn to trust the future. As part of this shift in our mindset, we learn that serenity is achievable. We understand that we won't feel it 24/7, but it will be present enough to change our lives.
On this day I will remind myself that I already have serenity inside me. It is up to me to help it grow by building acceptance and trust.
We may not have experienced what we think of as serenity - we see it as something other people have, not us. We may not even know what serenity is, let alone where to look for it. What does it feel like?
It may be best to start by examining what we think serenity might be. Maybe it's a magical, peaceful feeling that totally engulfs someone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. With this feeling, people never feel stress, fear or anxiety. Well, that's a nice idea to contemplate, but we know in our heart of hearts that it's not reality.
A more realistic view of serenity is to think of it as a core of acceptance that already resides deep inside us - something that we haven't yet tapped into or perhaps acknowledged. It may be small, even tiny now. But it will grow. We learn to recognize and feel little moments of it in our lives.
We find serenity when we accept our life - past and present, and learn to trust the future. As part of this shift in our mindset, we learn that serenity is achievable. We understand that we won't feel it 24/7, but it will be present enough to change our lives.
On this day I will remind myself that I already have serenity inside me. It is up to me to help it grow by building acceptance and trust.
Tuesday, December 13, 2022
Sunday, December 11, 2022
Saturday, December 10, 2022
Friday, December 9, 2022
Thursday, December 1, 2022
Saturday, November 12, 2022
Old Tapes (from daily ACA email)
"If our parents have said we are bad, dumb, or inferior, they were actually projecting what they believed about themselves. As children we were defenseless to throw off these projections. This is loss and grief carried into our adult years."
The messages received during childhood can seem like an endless tape, the soundtrack of our often dramatic lifestyles.
Underneath the 'scapegoat' role one can hear the echoes of a caregiver who might have said, "You are a loser." Beneath the ‘hero' role, the equally disabling charge of being a "perfect child" rings in the ears. As children, we may have accepted such words as true; what we actually felt was likely denied.
Whether we were belittled for being kids or praised for being perfect, we may have unwittingly carried these charges into our complex adult lives as a secret code of conduct. As we recover, we begin to realize that such messages stole from us our authentic internal sense of worth.
We listen carefully for those messages, recognizing their debilitating effects and how we recreate or reinforce them. Then we gradually work to reduce their hold on us.
On this day I will notice the messages replaying from my childhood. I will begin to lower their volume in my life until I can hear the voice of my authentic, True Self instead.
The messages received during childhood can seem like an endless tape, the soundtrack of our often dramatic lifestyles.
Underneath the 'scapegoat' role one can hear the echoes of a caregiver who might have said, "You are a loser." Beneath the ‘hero' role, the equally disabling charge of being a "perfect child" rings in the ears. As children, we may have accepted such words as true; what we actually felt was likely denied.
Whether we were belittled for being kids or praised for being perfect, we may have unwittingly carried these charges into our complex adult lives as a secret code of conduct. As we recover, we begin to realize that such messages stole from us our authentic internal sense of worth.
We listen carefully for those messages, recognizing their debilitating effects and how we recreate or reinforce them. Then we gradually work to reduce their hold on us.
On this day I will notice the messages replaying from my childhood. I will begin to lower their volume in my life until I can hear the voice of my authentic, True Self instead.
Friday, November 4, 2022
Thursday, November 3, 2022
Wednesday, November 2, 2022
This regularly happened to me, as well
DEAR ABBY: I’m a married woman in my 50s with two adult children and one grandchild. I work as a nurse. I wear my hair short because I have thick, unruly hair.
One day, at a supermarket, I was walking down the aisles looking for my husband. A man and his wife had a young daughter about 6 years old with them. He called me a slang word for lesbian. I ignored him and continued walking. He looked annoyed that his word didn’t bother me. (I am not a confrontational person.)
When I got home, I was thinking about the incident. It bothered me that he was teaching his young daughter that it’s OK to call people names.
When I see or meet people, I notice if they are kind and show manners. I don’t think about whether they’re gay or not.
Was I right to ignore him and walk away?
SHORT-HAIRED IN TEXAS
DEAR SHORT-HAIRED: You were absolutely right to keep walking. There was nothing to be gained by trying to educate an ignorant homophobe who appears to have been trying to start a fight.
The best reaction you could have given was the one you did — which was to prevent him getting a rise out of you. But I’m sorry you didn’t inform your husband when it happened.
[Note from me: what good would it have done to tell her husband?!]
One day, at a supermarket, I was walking down the aisles looking for my husband. A man and his wife had a young daughter about 6 years old with them. He called me a slang word for lesbian. I ignored him and continued walking. He looked annoyed that his word didn’t bother me. (I am not a confrontational person.)
When I got home, I was thinking about the incident. It bothered me that he was teaching his young daughter that it’s OK to call people names.
When I see or meet people, I notice if they are kind and show manners. I don’t think about whether they’re gay or not.
Was I right to ignore him and walk away?
SHORT-HAIRED IN TEXAS
DEAR SHORT-HAIRED: You were absolutely right to keep walking. There was nothing to be gained by trying to educate an ignorant homophobe who appears to have been trying to start a fight.
The best reaction you could have given was the one you did — which was to prevent him getting a rise out of you. But I’m sorry you didn’t inform your husband when it happened.
[Note from me: what good would it have done to tell her husband?!]
Monday, October 31, 2022
False Belief (from daily ACA email)
"The effects of verbal and emotional abuse are hard to comprehend because we never thought to challenge what was said to us or about us. If we were told we were worthless or ignorant as children, we believed it without question."
For many of us, our caretakers taught us in action and deed that we were worthless. When there was no food, we thought it was because we deserved none. We were bad. We cried alone in our rooms, but eventually learned not to cry when we saw that it made us more vulnerable. We retreated from our bodies and emotions until nothing was left but confusion. The trauma was complete. We had become numbed-out zombies compulsively seeking the next shock to remind us we were still alive.
We now allow ourselves to get angry at those who harmed us and others who knew and did nothing. We journal, we talk to friends. We rage and hit pillows with wiffle bats and scream if we have to, but we don't hold it all in. We let go of blaming ourselves. We know we weren't the cause of what happened.
We now choose to be around those who validate us when we talk about what happened and let go of those who stare blankly as we recount our childhood. We don't spell it out - we just let go.
On this day I choose to talk to those who can truly hear me and let go of those who can't. I know I am worthwhile and deserve to have caring people in my life.
For many of us, our caretakers taught us in action and deed that we were worthless. When there was no food, we thought it was because we deserved none. We were bad. We cried alone in our rooms, but eventually learned not to cry when we saw that it made us more vulnerable. We retreated from our bodies and emotions until nothing was left but confusion. The trauma was complete. We had become numbed-out zombies compulsively seeking the next shock to remind us we were still alive.
We now allow ourselves to get angry at those who harmed us and others who knew and did nothing. We journal, we talk to friends. We rage and hit pillows with wiffle bats and scream if we have to, but we don't hold it all in. We let go of blaming ourselves. We know we weren't the cause of what happened.
We now choose to be around those who validate us when we talk about what happened and let go of those who stare blankly as we recount our childhood. We don't spell it out - we just let go.
On this day I choose to talk to those who can truly hear me and let go of those who can't. I know I am worthwhile and deserve to have caring people in my life.
Saturday, October 29, 2022
The Beloved "Hello" (official)
A hit from my youth - a fun song typical of the time it came out, I think:
Thursday, October 27, 2022
Miss Manners 2022-10-27
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law of about 40 years has always kept information about her life pretty close to her vest. Lately it’s gotten worse.
She doesn’t talk about her new car (when asked, all she would say was, “It doesn’t have leather seats”), her new computer, their whole new heating system, the work they had done on their deck, even their vacations or weekend getaways. Nothing is our business.
Now the situation with my nephew is similar. I live relatively far away from most of my family, so I can understand my nephew not sharing tons of stuff with me. But you’d think his wife would say something about her job, her friends, her parents, her daughter’s day care, something — if not to me, to her husband’s parents, aunts, uncles, etc. Something.
Instead, she sits at the table like, “Just talk to him; I’m busy contemplating my navel.”
I’m guessing there’s some millennial etiquette book that says to new wives, “You don’t have to have anything to do with your husband’s family — let him deal with them,” but I don’t like this. Also, I’d hate to see this go on for another 20 years.
Would you make a big announcement that when you enter someone’s home, you should at least say “hello” to them? You really should assume they went to some trouble and are doing you a favor, not that you are doing them a favor by showing up and announcing that you have to leave soon to do something more important.
When you go to someone’s home for dinner or cake or coffee (or anything else), you should have at least one topic of conversation. At a minimum, you should say something about yourself, not, “So, how are things going?” to the person sitting next to you. In general, people do not die from making conversation.
Please add that it’s very rude to sit at a table with people, time after time, and let them wonder about 1. where you work or what you do for a living, 2. how you like your job, 3. what’s been bothering you, 4. something you’re reading or have seen on TV, 5. something you like or don’t like, or 6. any plans you’re making that you think will be fun (or won’t be).
I don’t know how people can just not talk for decades, but I guess they can. I really don’t know why these people show up.
GENTLE READER: Expecting relatives to be social in a social setting is reasonable, and Miss Manners can even agree to your suggestion that everyone bring at least one topic to the dinner table.
Where she differs is in being grateful, not exasperated, if they do not expect widespread interest in their new car, their new computer, their heating system or their deck installation.
She doesn’t talk about her new car (when asked, all she would say was, “It doesn’t have leather seats”), her new computer, their whole new heating system, the work they had done on their deck, even their vacations or weekend getaways. Nothing is our business.
Now the situation with my nephew is similar. I live relatively far away from most of my family, so I can understand my nephew not sharing tons of stuff with me. But you’d think his wife would say something about her job, her friends, her parents, her daughter’s day care, something — if not to me, to her husband’s parents, aunts, uncles, etc. Something.
Instead, she sits at the table like, “Just talk to him; I’m busy contemplating my navel.”
I’m guessing there’s some millennial etiquette book that says to new wives, “You don’t have to have anything to do with your husband’s family — let him deal with them,” but I don’t like this. Also, I’d hate to see this go on for another 20 years.
Would you make a big announcement that when you enter someone’s home, you should at least say “hello” to them? You really should assume they went to some trouble and are doing you a favor, not that you are doing them a favor by showing up and announcing that you have to leave soon to do something more important.
When you go to someone’s home for dinner or cake or coffee (or anything else), you should have at least one topic of conversation. At a minimum, you should say something about yourself, not, “So, how are things going?” to the person sitting next to you. In general, people do not die from making conversation.
Please add that it’s very rude to sit at a table with people, time after time, and let them wonder about 1. where you work or what you do for a living, 2. how you like your job, 3. what’s been bothering you, 4. something you’re reading or have seen on TV, 5. something you like or don’t like, or 6. any plans you’re making that you think will be fun (or won’t be).
I don’t know how people can just not talk for decades, but I guess they can. I really don’t know why these people show up.
GENTLE READER: Expecting relatives to be social in a social setting is reasonable, and Miss Manners can even agree to your suggestion that everyone bring at least one topic to the dinner table.
Where she differs is in being grateful, not exasperated, if they do not expect widespread interest in their new car, their new computer, their heating system or their deck installation.
Wednesday, October 26, 2022
6 Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect in a Partner or Friend
"Once you see the signs, you can take special steps with your loved one."
by Jonice Webb
Posted to Psychology Today on October 25, 2022 - Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
KEY POINTS
• Those who grew up in emotionally neglectful homes show certain characteristics that affect friendships and relationships. • Most emotionally neglected people are very giving and caring, but they're not great at self-disclosure or dealing with conflict. • A person who sees the emotional neglect in someone else can treat them slightly differently to draw them out and counter their childhood neglect.
If you’ve seen Disney’s film Encanto, you most likely remember how important the family house, Casita, was to the storyline. Casita’s foundation was cracking and each family member felt the impact in different ways. Without a solid base, relationships were rupturing and each individual within the home felt as if something very important was missing from their lives. The more these cracks were ignored, the more prominent and disruptive things grew.
Just like the film suggested, think of a house’s foundation as where you come from. Your foundation includes your childhood, your family values and ideals, and how you were treated and taught to operate in the world.
Below are some examples of people who have cracks in their foundations:
Lauren and Rachel are good friends and have known one another for years. Lauren feels like she can go to her friend for advice and often remarks on how Rachel is such a good listener. But recently, Lauren has noticed she shares quite a bit more than Rachel and actually doesn’t know much about Rachel’s personal life. She begins to question their friendship.
Mike is a competent project manager who gets along well with the employees that work below him. He is respected for his hard work ethic and dedication to his projects. Recently, his supervisor has noticed that Mike has difficulty when conflicts arise among his team. Mike grows extremely uncomfortable when issues are brought to his attention. As a result, there are multiple unresolved conflicts that are interfering with the workplace environment.
Antonio is growing frustrated with his girlfriend when it comes to making decisions. Claudia often deflects when he asks her what she wants and Antonio is left to pick the meals, plan outings, or even choose what shows they watch together. He finds himself attempting to mindread since Claudia seldom shares how she feels.
What do Rachel, Mike, and Claudia have in common? On the outside, they seem to have it all together, but the people around them slowly uncover areas in which they struggle. These cracks in their foundations stem from childhood emotional neglect.
When emotional needs go unmet in a child’s upbringing, that child is denied vital ingredients to live a vibrant, wholehearted, and connected adult life. Perhaps without even knowing it, they built their life atop a cracked, crooked, or unstable foundation.
Equipping yourself with knowledge on childhood emotional neglect can be life-changing for you and your loved one. If someone you know has emotional neglect cracks in their foundation, it is possible to better understand them, learn how to effectively communicate, or even share some information you know about childhood emotional neglect and the mark it leaves.
6 Traits to Look for in Adults With Childhood Emotional Neglect
1. The topic of conversation is seldom about them. Perhaps you ask your friend or family member questions about themselves and they respond with brief answers or change the topic. You may notice you do most of the talking.
2. They minimize their own needs. They are attentive to the needs of others but seem to neglect themselves. Self-care may be a struggle.
3. They have trouble showing and communicating how they feel. You often wonder what they’re thinking or feeling and find yourself attempting to guess. It may sometimes seem impossible to know if they’re angry or hurt.
4. They don’t share their preferences, likes, or dislikes. You may feel like you don’t know this basic information about your loved one.
5. They’re conflict avoiders. They rarely disclose issues they’re having. Or, if a problem arises in your relationship with them, they have difficulty talking about it so issues go unaddressed.
6. When people around them openly express their feelings, they grow uncomfortable. They may freeze up, apologize unnecessarily, or leave altogether.
When parents ignore or reject emotions, the child learns that their feelings don’t matter. So, they do what they need to do to survive: wall off their emotions so they are not a burden to themselves or others.
While this may have been helpful in childhood and the environment they lived in, they now live a life out of touch with the emotional world. They have difficulty identifying and understanding their feelings, their preferences, and what they need. Deep down, it feels like they don’t matter and are less valid than everyone else.
When folks with emotional neglect wall off their emotions, they unintentionally wall off essential aspects of who they are. They are then separated from their emotion, the deepest, most personal expression of who they are. They may appear fine to everyone else. But it’s just a matter of time before someone comes inside their house and notices the cracks.
What to Do if You Think Someone Has Childhood Emotional Neglect
1. Take an interest in who they are and validate what they have to say. Ask them questions and give them a chance to think about themselves for a change. This can guide them toward reflecting upon their own feelings, desires, and needs.
2. Offer support and compassion when there’s conflict. Remember that conflict is especially difficult for someone with emotional neglect. Use your best communication skills and acknowledge their discomfort.
3. If you feel it’s right, talk to your loved one about emotional neglect. You can kindly share information you have learned or guide them to helpful resources.
4. Use caution. Your job is to be a supportive friend or family member, not to take on the job of repairing cracks in their foundation yourself. They need to do this work on their own time and when they are ready.
Your friend or family member with childhood emotional neglect did not receive emotional education or emotional validation or feel it was safe to be in touch with their emotions growing up. You are able to give them something they never had before: emotional acceptance and safety.
Just like in Encanto, what helped Casita form a new, solid, and structurally sound foundation was the love and connection among the family members inside the home. With some attention and compassion, a new foundation can be built.
by Jonice Webb
Posted to Psychology Today on October 25, 2022 - Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
KEY POINTS
• Those who grew up in emotionally neglectful homes show certain characteristics that affect friendships and relationships. • Most emotionally neglected people are very giving and caring, but they're not great at self-disclosure or dealing with conflict. • A person who sees the emotional neglect in someone else can treat them slightly differently to draw them out and counter their childhood neglect.
If you’ve seen Disney’s film Encanto, you most likely remember how important the family house, Casita, was to the storyline. Casita’s foundation was cracking and each family member felt the impact in different ways. Without a solid base, relationships were rupturing and each individual within the home felt as if something very important was missing from their lives. The more these cracks were ignored, the more prominent and disruptive things grew.
Just like the film suggested, think of a house’s foundation as where you come from. Your foundation includes your childhood, your family values and ideals, and how you were treated and taught to operate in the world.
Below are some examples of people who have cracks in their foundations:
Lauren and Rachel are good friends and have known one another for years. Lauren feels like she can go to her friend for advice and often remarks on how Rachel is such a good listener. But recently, Lauren has noticed she shares quite a bit more than Rachel and actually doesn’t know much about Rachel’s personal life. She begins to question their friendship.
Mike is a competent project manager who gets along well with the employees that work below him. He is respected for his hard work ethic and dedication to his projects. Recently, his supervisor has noticed that Mike has difficulty when conflicts arise among his team. Mike grows extremely uncomfortable when issues are brought to his attention. As a result, there are multiple unresolved conflicts that are interfering with the workplace environment.
Antonio is growing frustrated with his girlfriend when it comes to making decisions. Claudia often deflects when he asks her what she wants and Antonio is left to pick the meals, plan outings, or even choose what shows they watch together. He finds himself attempting to mindread since Claudia seldom shares how she feels.
What do Rachel, Mike, and Claudia have in common? On the outside, they seem to have it all together, but the people around them slowly uncover areas in which they struggle. These cracks in their foundations stem from childhood emotional neglect.
When emotional needs go unmet in a child’s upbringing, that child is denied vital ingredients to live a vibrant, wholehearted, and connected adult life. Perhaps without even knowing it, they built their life atop a cracked, crooked, or unstable foundation.
Equipping yourself with knowledge on childhood emotional neglect can be life-changing for you and your loved one. If someone you know has emotional neglect cracks in their foundation, it is possible to better understand them, learn how to effectively communicate, or even share some information you know about childhood emotional neglect and the mark it leaves.
6 Traits to Look for in Adults With Childhood Emotional Neglect
1. The topic of conversation is seldom about them. Perhaps you ask your friend or family member questions about themselves and they respond with brief answers or change the topic. You may notice you do most of the talking.
2. They minimize their own needs. They are attentive to the needs of others but seem to neglect themselves. Self-care may be a struggle.
3. They have trouble showing and communicating how they feel. You often wonder what they’re thinking or feeling and find yourself attempting to guess. It may sometimes seem impossible to know if they’re angry or hurt.
4. They don’t share their preferences, likes, or dislikes. You may feel like you don’t know this basic information about your loved one.
5. They’re conflict avoiders. They rarely disclose issues they’re having. Or, if a problem arises in your relationship with them, they have difficulty talking about it so issues go unaddressed.
6. When people around them openly express their feelings, they grow uncomfortable. They may freeze up, apologize unnecessarily, or leave altogether.
When parents ignore or reject emotions, the child learns that their feelings don’t matter. So, they do what they need to do to survive: wall off their emotions so they are not a burden to themselves or others.
While this may have been helpful in childhood and the environment they lived in, they now live a life out of touch with the emotional world. They have difficulty identifying and understanding their feelings, their preferences, and what they need. Deep down, it feels like they don’t matter and are less valid than everyone else.
When folks with emotional neglect wall off their emotions, they unintentionally wall off essential aspects of who they are. They are then separated from their emotion, the deepest, most personal expression of who they are. They may appear fine to everyone else. But it’s just a matter of time before someone comes inside their house and notices the cracks.
What to Do if You Think Someone Has Childhood Emotional Neglect
1. Take an interest in who they are and validate what they have to say. Ask them questions and give them a chance to think about themselves for a change. This can guide them toward reflecting upon their own feelings, desires, and needs.
2. Offer support and compassion when there’s conflict. Remember that conflict is especially difficult for someone with emotional neglect. Use your best communication skills and acknowledge their discomfort.
3. If you feel it’s right, talk to your loved one about emotional neglect. You can kindly share information you have learned or guide them to helpful resources.
4. Use caution. Your job is to be a supportive friend or family member, not to take on the job of repairing cracks in their foundation yourself. They need to do this work on their own time and when they are ready.
Your friend or family member with childhood emotional neglect did not receive emotional education or emotional validation or feel it was safe to be in touch with their emotions growing up. You are able to give them something they never had before: emotional acceptance and safety.
Just like in Encanto, what helped Casita form a new, solid, and structurally sound foundation was the love and connection among the family members inside the home. With some attention and compassion, a new foundation can be built.
Monday, October 24, 2022
Sunday, October 23, 2022
Safety (from daily ACA email)
Our meetings offer a safe environment for adult children to share their common experiences.
Because of the many kinds of abuse and/or neglect we've experienced, both as children and adults, it is a huge issue for us to be able to connect with ourselves, other adult children, and a Higher Power.
We can begin by just showing up at ACA meetings. We are not forced to share; the choice is ours. We work at our own pace, perhaps just observing and getting a feel for things. And when we are ready, we can begin to absorb and actually work the ACA program.
As we break out of isolation, we realize we are not alone. We start working the Steps and understanding the Traditions. We may use the tool of journaling as a way to uncover what's going on for us. But however we do things, we let the ACA program, other people, and our Higher Power into our lives.
There is no special order to how things have to work. We are unique, and we do recovery in the way that works best for us. It's only important that we do it, because we deserve the safe, healthy connections that are now available to us.
On this day I know that my meetings provide the safety that helps me continue my personal growth.
Because of the many kinds of abuse and/or neglect we've experienced, both as children and adults, it is a huge issue for us to be able to connect with ourselves, other adult children, and a Higher Power.
We can begin by just showing up at ACA meetings. We are not forced to share; the choice is ours. We work at our own pace, perhaps just observing and getting a feel for things. And when we are ready, we can begin to absorb and actually work the ACA program.
As we break out of isolation, we realize we are not alone. We start working the Steps and understanding the Traditions. We may use the tool of journaling as a way to uncover what's going on for us. But however we do things, we let the ACA program, other people, and our Higher Power into our lives.
There is no special order to how things have to work. We are unique, and we do recovery in the way that works best for us. It's only important that we do it, because we deserve the safe, healthy connections that are now available to us.
On this day I know that my meetings provide the safety that helps me continue my personal growth.
Thursday, October 20, 2022
Friday, October 7, 2022
Moderation (from daily ACA email)
"Today, when I am acting compulsively, I take a breather from that activity to moderate my behavior. Sometimes I have to say aloud, ‘I'm turning this over to God.'"
We have homes with automatic temperature controls. The heat doesn't engage until the thermostat senses there's not enough warm air, and the air conditioning does the reverse.
This process of modulation (regulating according to measure or proportion) was not present in our families of origin. Nearly every life situation either received a maximal response or was virtually ignored (denial). A parent could rage over a traffic jam, but never discuss a tragic family death.
This lack of modulation or moderation in response to life's events sent most of us into our adult lives without effective role models or acceptable ways to handle our emotions. We had two settings, MAX ON and MAX OFF, and we didn't understand why. We blew up with anger and had no clue why we were unable to grieve serious life events. We now know we were programmed to be that way.
We see that we're not alone. We gain serenity and can thoughtfully assess a life event, and then decide on a reasonable course of action, if action is required. We learn to do our part and then "Let Go and Let God." As we go through this process, we gain serenity.
On this day I can choose a modulated response to a situation. I choose NOT to use the reactionary or denial behaviors I learned as a child.
We have homes with automatic temperature controls. The heat doesn't engage until the thermostat senses there's not enough warm air, and the air conditioning does the reverse.
This process of modulation (regulating according to measure or proportion) was not present in our families of origin. Nearly every life situation either received a maximal response or was virtually ignored (denial). A parent could rage over a traffic jam, but never discuss a tragic family death.
This lack of modulation or moderation in response to life's events sent most of us into our adult lives without effective role models or acceptable ways to handle our emotions. We had two settings, MAX ON and MAX OFF, and we didn't understand why. We blew up with anger and had no clue why we were unable to grieve serious life events. We now know we were programmed to be that way.
We see that we're not alone. We gain serenity and can thoughtfully assess a life event, and then decide on a reasonable course of action, if action is required. We learn to do our part and then "Let Go and Let God." As we go through this process, we gain serenity.
On this day I can choose a modulated response to a situation. I choose NOT to use the reactionary or denial behaviors I learned as a child.
Tuesday, October 4, 2022
Saturday, October 1, 2022
Thursday, September 29, 2022
Wednesday, September 28, 2022
Bee Gees "This Is Where I Came In"
I've seen the story
I've read it over once or twice
I said that you say
A little bit of bad advice
I've been in trouble
Happened to me all of my life
I've lied and you lie
And who would get the sharpest knife
You know I couldn't be somebody like that
I'm not the kind of man to throw his hat
Into the ring and
Go down without following through
The day turns into night
Go down following through
The day turns into night
Oh, oh, oh,
This is just where I came in
Hope rides on
But I'll go anywhere
Yes, I'll go anywhere with you
Time has gone
But I'll go anywhere
Yes, I'll go anywhere with you
This is the danger zone
This is where I came in
They know not what they do
Forgive them all their sins
They know they cannot take away
What you have given me
Oh, oh, oh,
This is just where I came in
Fade into color
Color into black and white
Under the bedclothes
Everything will be all right
I know that you know
Nothing ever stays the same
Said so, I said so
The love will never speak its name
Never gonna find somebody like you
Beauty with a brain and a body too
I could never make a move on a woman that leads me on
She's got a little bit of something for everyone
It's a little too late and the wolf is on the run
Hope rides on
But I'll go anywhere
Yes, I'll go anywhere with you
Time has gone
But I'll go anywhere
Yes, I'll go anywhere with you
I always told myself
I would regret this day
That I would fall apart
And watch you walk away
That you would cry out loud
And I would stand aside
Oh, oh, oh,
This is just where I came in
I can't fly
But I'll go anywhere
Yes, I'll go anywhere with you
This is the danger zone
This is where I came in
They know not what they do
Forgive them of their sins
They know they cannot take away
What you have given me
Oh, oh, oh,
This is just where I came in
Oh, oh, oh
Tuesday, September 27, 2022
Monday, September 26, 2022
Humility (from daily ACA email)
"With humility, we become more thoughtful in our decisions, and we are slower to anger. We begin to become actors rather than reactors to life's situations."
As children, we may have been humiliated and told we didn't measure up. As we grew, we decided we needed to prove our worth. When we accomplished things, we expected validation. Most decisions we made were geared to gaining this outward affirmation. If anyone disagreed with us, it felt like an attack. We lashed out and tried to punish them. We may have even further reacted by increasing our efforts to prove our worth.
We learn about humility, and that it has nothing to do with humiliation, a core wound. Humility is the way to inner peace and finding our True Self. If we do something for others, the world doesn't have to know. We don't need accolades. And where it was second nature for us to react first and lash out, we now take a step back and examine reality.
This change is not easy. Our insecurities and triggers are often just below the surface, and we can fall into old patterns. But when we use our new tools, we have more self-awareness. We learn to look in the mirror and feel at peace with what we see.
On this day I will remember that humility keeps me grounded and on equal footing with those around me. I don't have to be ‘greater than' to have value.
As children, we may have been humiliated and told we didn't measure up. As we grew, we decided we needed to prove our worth. When we accomplished things, we expected validation. Most decisions we made were geared to gaining this outward affirmation. If anyone disagreed with us, it felt like an attack. We lashed out and tried to punish them. We may have even further reacted by increasing our efforts to prove our worth.
We learn about humility, and that it has nothing to do with humiliation, a core wound. Humility is the way to inner peace and finding our True Self. If we do something for others, the world doesn't have to know. We don't need accolades. And where it was second nature for us to react first and lash out, we now take a step back and examine reality.
This change is not easy. Our insecurities and triggers are often just below the surface, and we can fall into old patterns. But when we use our new tools, we have more self-awareness. We learn to look in the mirror and feel at peace with what we see.
On this day I will remember that humility keeps me grounded and on equal footing with those around me. I don't have to be ‘greater than' to have value.
Sunday, September 25, 2022
Saturday, September 24, 2022
Friday, September 23, 2022
Resentment
[from daily ACA email]
"Before recovery, some of us spent countless hours in resentment"
Many of us come into ACA with seething resentments. We can be recognized by the hundred-pound resentment rock around our necks. Convinced that the rock was placed there by others, we hang onto it as if to let it go would cause us harm. The rock is content to remain where it is. However, the pain of carrying it may be too much.
Forgiving others has nothing to do with the other person. We do it for ourselves so we can let go of our own pain. We hear others say that praying daily to forgive the person we resent will eventually rid us of that resentment. We learn that we don't forgive the act, but do forgive the person.
Many of us who hear these things for the first time think it sounds foolish. But what else have we done that has been able to chip away at the poison our resentment has brought into our lives? So we try it, repeatedly, every day.
After a while, we notice a remarkable thing happening. The details that seemed so important and were feeding our ongoing resentment seem to be fading. Our rock is losing some of its weight.
On this day I do what has worked for so many others in recovery; I pray that the resentment I've been mired in for so long will be removed.
"Before recovery, some of us spent countless hours in resentment"
Many of us come into ACA with seething resentments. We can be recognized by the hundred-pound resentment rock around our necks. Convinced that the rock was placed there by others, we hang onto it as if to let it go would cause us harm. The rock is content to remain where it is. However, the pain of carrying it may be too much.
Forgiving others has nothing to do with the other person. We do it for ourselves so we can let go of our own pain. We hear others say that praying daily to forgive the person we resent will eventually rid us of that resentment. We learn that we don't forgive the act, but do forgive the person.
Many of us who hear these things for the first time think it sounds foolish. But what else have we done that has been able to chip away at the poison our resentment has brought into our lives? So we try it, repeatedly, every day.
After a while, we notice a remarkable thing happening. The details that seemed so important and were feeding our ongoing resentment seem to be fading. Our rock is losing some of its weight.
On this day I do what has worked for so many others in recovery; I pray that the resentment I've been mired in for so long will be removed.
Wednesday, September 21, 2022
Monday, September 19, 2022
The Devil Makes Three "Old Number 7"
I guess I grew up on an old dirt road
Pedal to the metal, always did what I [was] told
'Til I found out that my brand-new clothes
Came second-hand from the rich kids next door
And, I grew up fast, I guess I grew up mean
There's a thousand things inside my head I wish I ain't seen
And now I just wondered through a real bad dream
Feelin' like I'm coming apart at the seams
Thank you Jack Daniels Old Number Seven
Tennessee Whiskey got me drinking in heaven
Angels start to look good to me
They're gonna have to deport me to the firey deep
Thank you Jack Daniels Old Number Seven
Tennessee Whiskey got me drinking in heaven
I know I can't stay here too long
'Cause I can't go a week with out doing wrong
Without doing wrong
Without doing wrong
Without doing wrong
[Drinking in heaven]
So I'm sitting at the bar stool - it starts to grow roots
Feelin' like an old worn-out pair of shoes
Tell me what is it that I should do
When I'm swimming in the liquor only half-way through
So I'm watching as his wings spread as wide as could be
Come on now and wrap them around me
'Cause all I want to do now is fall asleep
Come down here and lay next to me
Thank you Jack Daniels Old Number Seven
Tennessee Whiskey got me drinking in heaven
Up here the bottle never runs dry
And you never wake up with those tears in your eyes
Thank you Jack Daniels Old Number Seven
Tennessee Whiskey got me drinking in heaven
Angels start to look good to me
They're gonna have to deport me to the fiery deep (Old Number Seven)
To the fiery deep (Drinkin' in heaven)
To the fiery deep (Old Number Seven)
To the fiery deep (Drinkin' in heaven)
Monday, September 12, 2022
Workplace ‘Family’
"It occurred to me while we were discussing the personality conflict that I was reacting to my co-worker's physical demeanor, which subconsciously reminded me of my brutal alcoholic stepfather."
Sometimes we don't even hear the words. A glare or body posture that's reminiscent of our childhood is enough to send us into fear and shame. We were taught to react this way by caregivers we felt we had to placate in order to get our basic needs met. Some of us were sexually abused in the process or physically beaten. In that world, we had no alternative. We were stuck.
But now we are grownups who can take care of ourselves. When we experience fear and shame brought on by someone else's actions, whether in the workplace or elsewhere, we no longer play the game. We start to let others be accountable for what they say and do and how they feel; we let go of the non-verbal cues. When it is safe, we ask questions. "It seems like you're upset. Is there something you would like to talk about?" We no longer pretend and try to manipulate people and things.
If the situation is dangerous, we remove ourselves, going to where we are nourished and loved. We are no longer controlled by others. We claim our power as an act of self-love.
On this day I will own my power. If others seem grouchy or unapproachable, I let that live with them and don't make it mine or try to fix it.
Sometimes we don't even hear the words. A glare or body posture that's reminiscent of our childhood is enough to send us into fear and shame. We were taught to react this way by caregivers we felt we had to placate in order to get our basic needs met. Some of us were sexually abused in the process or physically beaten. In that world, we had no alternative. We were stuck.
But now we are grownups who can take care of ourselves. When we experience fear and shame brought on by someone else's actions, whether in the workplace or elsewhere, we no longer play the game. We start to let others be accountable for what they say and do and how they feel; we let go of the non-verbal cues. When it is safe, we ask questions. "It seems like you're upset. Is there something you would like to talk about?" We no longer pretend and try to manipulate people and things.
If the situation is dangerous, we remove ourselves, going to where we are nourished and loved. We are no longer controlled by others. We claim our power as an act of self-love.
On this day I will own my power. If others seem grouchy or unapproachable, I let that live with them and don't make it mine or try to fix it.
Sunday, September 11, 2022
Friday, September 9, 2022
Inner Child (from daily ACA email)
"Family dysfunction drives the Inner Child into hiding, leaving states of fear that wander the adult's soul. While the Inner Child or True Self can be the spark of our creativity, we must also remember the child is a deeply hurt part of ourselves."
Long ago, in order to protect ourselves from the pain of having a dysfunctional family, we shut away our most vibrant essence, our True Self. Instinctively, we knew this tender and vulnerable part of us was unsafe and must be hidden away. Today, we may have lost touch with our True Self or Inner Child, forgetting he or she is waiting to be healed.
We have many buried hurts and disappointments that get triggered when we are reminded of the circumstances surrounding our original pain. It is then that our Inner Child reacts and we may find ourselves engaged in self-destructive behaviors if we don't provide appropriate comfort and reassurance.
When we work the ACA program and take the time to uncover our pain while treating our Inner Child with unconditional love, we begin to heal. Having the courage to listen will expose the pain we denied for so long. It also will bring back to life our childlike joy and wonder. We give voice to the child within so we can finally resolve the lifetime of pain he or she has shouldered.
On this day I unconditionally support my Inner Child so we both have the freedom to heal and feel safe.
Long ago, in order to protect ourselves from the pain of having a dysfunctional family, we shut away our most vibrant essence, our True Self. Instinctively, we knew this tender and vulnerable part of us was unsafe and must be hidden away. Today, we may have lost touch with our True Self or Inner Child, forgetting he or she is waiting to be healed.
We have many buried hurts and disappointments that get triggered when we are reminded of the circumstances surrounding our original pain. It is then that our Inner Child reacts and we may find ourselves engaged in self-destructive behaviors if we don't provide appropriate comfort and reassurance.
When we work the ACA program and take the time to uncover our pain while treating our Inner Child with unconditional love, we begin to heal. Having the courage to listen will expose the pain we denied for so long. It also will bring back to life our childlike joy and wonder. We give voice to the child within so we can finally resolve the lifetime of pain he or she has shouldered.
On this day I unconditionally support my Inner Child so we both have the freedom to heal and feel safe.
Wednesday, August 31, 2022
What matters?
Graham Parker "Don't Ask Me Questions"
Crimson autograph
Is what we leave behind
Everywhere, where that man set foot, yeah
A warmonger's laughin' loud
Behind a painted face
Throwing titbits to the crowd then
Blowin' up the place
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Please
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, ain't no answer in me
Well, I stand up for liberty
But I can't liberate
And pent up agony
I see you take first place
Well, who does this treachery
I shout with bleedin' hands
Is it you or is it me, well
I never will understand
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Please, no, no, no, no, no, no
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, ain't no answer in me
Who waves his mighty hands
And breaks the precious rules
Well the same one got to understand
Who wasted all these fools
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Please, no, no, no, no, no, no
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, ain't no answer in me, yeah
Ain't no answer in me, no
Ain't no answer in me
Oh no, oh no
Ain't no answer, ain't no answer, no answer in me
Ain't no answer, ain't no answer, no answer in me
Ain't no answer, ain't no answer, no answer in me
It didn't matter anyway
We'll meet again some other day
'til then keep well
You'll be in my dreams
Goodnight, goodbye, bye for now
The time has come to leave you
Please don't feel alone
For now that we've met
There'll be a way to reach you and say "Never mind"
It didn't matter anyway
We'll meet again some other day
Till then keep well
You'll be in my dreams
Goodnight, goodbye, bye for now
Crimson autograph
Is what we leave behind
Everywhere, where that man set foot, yeah
A warmonger's laughin' loud
Behind a painted face
Throwing titbits to the crowd then
Blowin' up the place
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Please
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, ain't no answer in me
Well, I stand up for liberty
But I can't liberate
And pent up agony
I see you take first place
Well, who does this treachery
I shout with bleedin' hands
Is it you or is it me, well
I never will understand
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Please, no, no, no, no, no, no
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, ain't no answer in me
Who waves his mighty hands
And breaks the precious rules
Well the same one got to understand
Who wasted all these fools
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Please, no, no, no, no, no, no
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, don't ask me questions
Hey Lord, ain't no answer in me, yeah
Ain't no answer in me, no
Ain't no answer in me
Oh no, oh no
Ain't no answer, ain't no answer, no answer in me
Ain't no answer, ain't no answer, no answer in me
Ain't no answer, ain't no answer, no answer in me
It didn't matter anyway
We'll meet again some other day
'til then keep well
You'll be in my dreams
Goodnight, goodbye, bye for now
The time has come to leave you
Please don't feel alone
For now that we've met
There'll be a way to reach you and say "Never mind"
It didn't matter anyway
We'll meet again some other day
Till then keep well
You'll be in my dreams
Goodnight, goodbye, bye for now
Sunday, August 28, 2022
Boundaries (from daily ACA email)
"I am more aware of how I overstep my boundaries, and how I try to force things to work the way I want them to work."
We were vulnerable as children in dysfunctional homes. We experienced no one who was able to set healthy boundaries and maintain them.
In ACA we learn to see the importance of boundaries by practicing the Steps and by identifying and working on our character defects. We learn to recognize boundaries that have been crossed, including when we do it to others. We feel free when we set new boundaries. Progress happens, one day at a time.
The ACA program also helps us recognize manipulative behaviors, which is usually a companion for those with boundary issues. If we're the manipulator, we begin to see that our attempts to change others will eventually fail; in the meantime, they'll only complicate things. As we grow stronger, understanding boundaries places everything in perspective.
To help us stay focused, we look to Step Ten, "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it." It allows us to inventory our thoughts and actions on a regular basis. This keeps our impulsive natures in check so we recognize boundaries in everyday life.
On this day, as my identity and values become more clear, I will work to become consistent in setting my own boundaries and honoring the boundaries other people set.
We were vulnerable as children in dysfunctional homes. We experienced no one who was able to set healthy boundaries and maintain them.
In ACA we learn to see the importance of boundaries by practicing the Steps and by identifying and working on our character defects. We learn to recognize boundaries that have been crossed, including when we do it to others. We feel free when we set new boundaries. Progress happens, one day at a time.
The ACA program also helps us recognize manipulative behaviors, which is usually a companion for those with boundary issues. If we're the manipulator, we begin to see that our attempts to change others will eventually fail; in the meantime, they'll only complicate things. As we grow stronger, understanding boundaries places everything in perspective.
To help us stay focused, we look to Step Ten, "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it." It allows us to inventory our thoughts and actions on a regular basis. This keeps our impulsive natures in check so we recognize boundaries in everyday life.
On this day, as my identity and values become more clear, I will work to become consistent in setting my own boundaries and honoring the boundaries other people set.
Saturday, August 27, 2022
Self-Sabotage (from daily ACA email)
"I decided the only way to overcome self-sabotage was to integrate my critical parent into my recovery process."
We tried to ignore our critical inner parent - that compilation of voices we heard as children and were used to hearing in our heads. If it was too strong to ignore, we tried to fight it, but it always seemed to find a way to win.
In ACA, we learn to uncover why this critic has had such a strong hold on us. By acknowledging the trauma that's behind the voices, we understand and gradually learn to substitute new behaviors so we can silence this tyrant in our heads.
This gives us freedom as we bring new light into our lives in little ways. We begin to trust ourselves, others, and our Higher Power. We have healthier relationships as we find ourselves attracted to the strengths and depth in people who can hold our feelings safely rather than trying to shut us down.
We let go of the dysfunctional people. While they may have taught us the lessons we needed to learn, we know that staying is toxic. In doing so, we feel no shame or remorse; it is time to move on. We are open to the next adventure.
On this day I will be aware of my attempts at self-sabotage because I believe in the promise of the growth ahead of me. I will use my lifeline - the support system that ACA gives me.
We tried to ignore our critical inner parent - that compilation of voices we heard as children and were used to hearing in our heads. If it was too strong to ignore, we tried to fight it, but it always seemed to find a way to win.
In ACA, we learn to uncover why this critic has had such a strong hold on us. By acknowledging the trauma that's behind the voices, we understand and gradually learn to substitute new behaviors so we can silence this tyrant in our heads.
This gives us freedom as we bring new light into our lives in little ways. We begin to trust ourselves, others, and our Higher Power. We have healthier relationships as we find ourselves attracted to the strengths and depth in people who can hold our feelings safely rather than trying to shut us down.
We let go of the dysfunctional people. While they may have taught us the lessons we needed to learn, we know that staying is toxic. In doing so, we feel no shame or remorse; it is time to move on. We are open to the next adventure.
On this day I will be aware of my attempts at self-sabotage because I believe in the promise of the growth ahead of me. I will use my lifeline - the support system that ACA gives me.
Friday, August 26, 2022
Monday, August 15, 2022
Promise Eight (from daily ACA email)
"We will choose to love people who can love and be responsible for themselves."
Prior to coming to ACA, we had been unconscious about a great many things. Perhaps the most painful was our unconscious choice of the people we thought we loved.
As children, we wanted to love our parents. So we overlooked their dysfunction as a way to make them lovable. After all, the alternative was to see them as they really were and leave - a choice that is rarely possible for a child.
As adults, we continued to make unconscious choices to love other dysfunctional people until one day we got it. Something was terribly familiar about the people we had chosen to love. It was déjà vu, all over again.
As we come to consciousness about our childhood experiences and do the work in ACA, we begin to love and accept our True Self. Only then are we capable of having healthy relationships with others. We begin to choose people who are capable of truly loving us, and who take responsibility for themselves. We are now willing to share our True Self, the person we were meant to be, the one who is able to love responsibly in return.
On this day I will examine my relationships, both past and present, to help me understand the choices I have made. I will begin to share my True Self with others in my life so that I may find the love I deserve.
Prior to coming to ACA, we had been unconscious about a great many things. Perhaps the most painful was our unconscious choice of the people we thought we loved.
As children, we wanted to love our parents. So we overlooked their dysfunction as a way to make them lovable. After all, the alternative was to see them as they really were and leave - a choice that is rarely possible for a child.
As adults, we continued to make unconscious choices to love other dysfunctional people until one day we got it. Something was terribly familiar about the people we had chosen to love. It was déjà vu, all over again.
As we come to consciousness about our childhood experiences and do the work in ACA, we begin to love and accept our True Self. Only then are we capable of having healthy relationships with others. We begin to choose people who are capable of truly loving us, and who take responsibility for themselves. We are now willing to share our True Self, the person we were meant to be, the one who is able to love responsibly in return.
On this day I will examine my relationships, both past and present, to help me understand the choices I have made. I will begin to share my True Self with others in my life so that I may find the love I deserve.
Sunday, August 14, 2022
Songs encountered in my youth - 2 sappy, 1 not
Simon & Art Garfunkel "Bright Eyes"
Daniel Balavoine "L'amour gardé secret"
Si ta tête ne peut plus tenir
Si tes lèvres tremblent pour lui dire
Ce que j’ai
De mieux en moi
C’est toi
Quand la porte va enfin s’ouvrir
Ces mots simples vont tout définir
Tout l’amour
Que je te donne
Me vient de toi
L’amour gardé secret ne sert à rien
Je le savais bien
Tout cacher en soi est une fin
L’amour gardé secret ne sert à rien
S’offrir est un bien
Le silence est ton propre venin
Si tes yeux sentent une douleur
Oh n’aie pas peur
Dans le malheur
Même les hommes pleurent
Oh Malheur
Même les hommes pleurent
Peu importe ce qu’elle te répond
Le savoir vaut mieux qu’une illusion
Accepter
Sans comprendre
C’est la raison
L’amour gardé secret ne sert à rien
Je le savais bien
Tout cacher en soi est une fin
L’amour gardé secret ne sert à rien
S’offrir est un bien
Le silence est ton propre venin
Si tu sens pencher ton cœur
Oh n’aie pas peur
Dans le malheur
Même les hommes pleurent
Oh malheur
Même les hommes pleurent
N’aie pas peur
Même les hommes pleurent
Visage "Fade To Grey"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fade_to_Grey_(Visage_song)
Daniel Balavoine "L'amour gardé secret"
Si ta tête ne peut plus tenir
Si tes lèvres tremblent pour lui dire
Ce que j’ai
De mieux en moi
C’est toi
Quand la porte va enfin s’ouvrir
Ces mots simples vont tout définir
Tout l’amour
Que je te donne
Me vient de toi
L’amour gardé secret ne sert à rien
Je le savais bien
Tout cacher en soi est une fin
L’amour gardé secret ne sert à rien
S’offrir est un bien
Le silence est ton propre venin
Si tes yeux sentent une douleur
Oh n’aie pas peur
Dans le malheur
Même les hommes pleurent
Oh Malheur
Même les hommes pleurent
Peu importe ce qu’elle te répond
Le savoir vaut mieux qu’une illusion
Accepter
Sans comprendre
C’est la raison
L’amour gardé secret ne sert à rien
Je le savais bien
Tout cacher en soi est une fin
L’amour gardé secret ne sert à rien
S’offrir est un bien
Le silence est ton propre venin
Si tu sens pencher ton cœur
Oh n’aie pas peur
Dans le malheur
Même les hommes pleurent
Oh malheur
Même les hommes pleurent
N’aie pas peur
Même les hommes pleurent
Visage "Fade To Grey"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fade_to_Grey_(Visage_song)
Saturday, August 13, 2022
Friday, August 12, 2022
Big Audio Dynamite "Contact"
Feelings fly around
'round up in the air
Bouncing off the walls
Getting under my hair
On the carpet in the weave
Up in trees on the leaves
Feelings flying everywhere
I'm on the right track
For what I want to say
I got to get it out
There ain't no other way
To make contact
There ain't no getting away
From how I feel today
Feelings flying around
'round up in the air
Out in the hall
And sitting on my chair
I've seen them on the train
Coming down with the rain
Feelings flying everywhere
I'm on the right track
For what I want to say
I got to get it out
There ain't no other way
To make contact
There ain't no getting away
From how I feel today
Feelings flying 'round
'round up in the air
Some are really small
They come from over there
Hard to ignore
I see them all the more
Feelings flying everywhere
I'm on the right track
For what I want to say
I got to get it out
There ain't no other way
To make contact
There ain't no getting away
From how I feel today
I'm on the right track
For what I want to say
I got to get it out
There ain't no other way
To make contact
There ain't no getting away
From how I feel today
I'm on the right track
For what I want to say
I got to get it out
There ain't no other way
To make contact
There ain't no getting away
From how I feel today
Thursday, August 11, 2022
Friday, August 5, 2022
Wednesday, August 3, 2022
Saturday, July 30, 2022
Friday, July 29, 2022
Tame Impala "Let It Happen"
A song from my earlier times
It's always around me, all this noise, but
Not nearly as loud as the voice saying
"Let it happen, let it happen"
(It's gonna feel so good)
"Just let it happen, let it happen"
All this running around
Tryin' to cover my shadow
A notion growing inside
Now all the others seem shallow
All this running around
Bearing down on my shoulders
I can hear an alarm
It must be morning
I heard about a whirlwind that's coming 'round
It's gonna carry off all that isn't bound, and
When it happens, when it happens
(I won't be holding on)
So let it happen, let it happen
All this running around
I can't fight it much longer
Something's tryin' to get out
And it's never been closer
If my take-off fails
Make up some other story
But if I never come back
Tell my mother I'm sorry
Baby, now I'm ready, moving on
Oh, but maybe I was ready all along
Oh, I'm ready for the moment and the sound
Oh, but maybe I was ready all along
Baby, now I'm ready, moving on
Oh, but maybe I was ready all along
Oh, I'm ready for the moment and the sound
Oh, but maybe I was ready all along
It's always around me, all this noise, but
Not nearly as loud as the voice saying
"Let it happen, let it happen"
(It's gonna feel so good)
"Just let it happen, let it happen"
All this running around
Tryin' to cover my shadow
A notion growing inside
Now all the others seem shallow
All this running around
Bearing down on my shoulders
I can hear an alarm
It must be morning
I heard about a whirlwind that's coming 'round
It's gonna carry off all that isn't bound, and
When it happens, when it happens
(I won't be holding on)
So let it happen, let it happen
All this running around
I can't fight it much longer
Something's tryin' to get out
And it's never been closer
If my take-off fails
Make up some other story
But if I never come back
Tell my mother I'm sorry
Baby, now I'm ready, moving on
Oh, but maybe I was ready all along
Oh, I'm ready for the moment and the sound
Oh, but maybe I was ready all along
Baby, now I'm ready, moving on
Oh, but maybe I was ready all along
Oh, I'm ready for the moment and the sound
Oh, but maybe I was ready all along
Thursday, July 28, 2022
Tuesday, July 26, 2022
Two songs about Düsseldorf
Teleman "Düsseldorf"
Don't you want to know why I left you there
All alone on the carousel spinning away
Düsseldorf lives in a cold gray life
I love everyone that I meet tonight
Another great town in the afternoon
Hello to the girl with the yellow balloon
I haven't got a place where to lay my hat
I'd love for the 5-star life like that
She lifts the stylus, drops it down
The ice is melting all around
Put on, put on your favorite song
Put on, put on your favorite song
Don't you want to know why I left you there
Alone on the carousel spinning away
Another great town and it's all right
I love everyone that I meet tonight
She lifts the stylus, drops it down
The ice is melting all around
Put on, put on your favorite song
The girl from Düsseldorf is gone
Willst du nicht wissen, warum ich dich dort zurückgelassen habe?
Allein an dem sich wegdrehendem Karussell?
Düsseldorf taucht in dem kalten grauen Licht auf
Ich liebe jeden den ich heute nacht treffe
Noch eine graue Stadt am Nachmittag
Hallo an das Mädchen mit dem gelben Luftballon
Ich habe keinen Platz an den ich meinen Hut legen kann
Ich sehne mich nach
She lifts the stylus, drops it down
The ice is melting all around
Put on, put on your favorite song
The girl from Düsseldorf is gone
Put on, put on your favorite song
Put on, put on your favorite song
Put on, put on your favorite song
The girl from Düsseldorf is gone.
"La Düsseldorf"
Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf -
Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf
Multi Klamotti Internationali
In the Boutiqui of Düsseldorf City
And so many Daimlers
And so many gangsters
Und Mädels
Fein - fein
Schön - schön
So schön
Dekadenti Prominenti
Prominenti dekadenti
Joi - joi - joi
Und Mädels boooh
Königsallee
Wenn wir auf dir geh'n
Bleibt alles steh'n
Und dreht sich um
Guck mal
Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf -
Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf
Multi Klamotti Internationali
In the Boutiqui of Düsseldorf City
Joi - joi - joi
Joi
And so many gangsters
Und Mädels
Fein - fein
Schön - schön
So schön
Bäh!
Don't you want to know why I left you there
All alone on the carousel spinning away
Düsseldorf lives in a cold gray life
I love everyone that I meet tonight
Another great town in the afternoon
Hello to the girl with the yellow balloon
I haven't got a place where to lay my hat
I'd love for the 5-star life like that
She lifts the stylus, drops it down
The ice is melting all around
Put on, put on your favorite song
Put on, put on your favorite song
Don't you want to know why I left you there
Alone on the carousel spinning away
Another great town and it's all right
I love everyone that I meet tonight
She lifts the stylus, drops it down
The ice is melting all around
Put on, put on your favorite song
The girl from Düsseldorf is gone
Willst du nicht wissen, warum ich dich dort zurückgelassen habe?
Allein an dem sich wegdrehendem Karussell?
Düsseldorf taucht in dem kalten grauen Licht auf
Ich liebe jeden den ich heute nacht treffe
Noch eine graue Stadt am Nachmittag
Hallo an das Mädchen mit dem gelben Luftballon
Ich habe keinen Platz an den ich meinen Hut legen kann
Ich sehne mich nach
She lifts the stylus, drops it down
The ice is melting all around
Put on, put on your favorite song
The girl from Düsseldorf is gone
Put on, put on your favorite song
Put on, put on your favorite song
Put on, put on your favorite song
The girl from Düsseldorf is gone.
"La Düsseldorf"
Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf -
Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf
Multi Klamotti Internationali
In the Boutiqui of Düsseldorf City
And so many Daimlers
And so many gangsters
Und Mädels
Fein - fein
Schön - schön
So schön
Dekadenti Prominenti
Prominenti dekadenti
Joi - joi - joi
Und Mädels boooh
Königsallee
Wenn wir auf dir geh'n
Bleibt alles steh'n
Und dreht sich um
Guck mal
Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf -
Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf - Düsseldorf
Multi Klamotti Internationali
In the Boutiqui of Düsseldorf City
Joi - joi - joi
Joi
And so many gangsters
Und Mädels
Fein - fein
Schön - schön
So schön
Bäh!
Tuesday, July 19, 2022
Queens of the Stone Age "I Never Came"
When you say it's dead and gone
Yes, I know you're wrong
Cut and slash, sharpest knife
It won't die, yeah
Poison cup, drank it up
It won't die
No fire, no gun, no rope, no stones
It won't die, yeah
Why you gotta shove it in my face
As if you put me in my place
'Cause I don't care if you or me is wrong or right
Ain't gonna spend another night
In your bed, in your bed
Laws of man are just pretend
They ain't mine
Love so good, love so bad
It won't die
Some talk too long, they know it all
I just smile and move on
Words ain't free, like you and me
I don't mind, yeah
Why'd you have to be so mean and cruel?
The dogs are loose, I'm on to you
You ball and chained together from the dawn to dusk
Can't call it leavin', 'cause it's just
I never came
I never came
I never came
I never came
I never came
Friday, July 15, 2022
Friday, July 8, 2022
Tuned in?
I think that many (some? most?) feel as if they would like
to beget the "New Gold Dream" <-whatever that is, referred to in music or in
other suitable discourse.
There are search results on this topic: they are not repeated here, so as not to annoy.
to beget the "New Gold Dream" <-whatever that is, referred to in music or in
other suitable discourse.
There are search results on this topic: they are not repeated here, so as not to annoy.
Thursday, July 7, 2022
Wednesday, June 15, 2022
U2 "Zooropa"
Zooropa: vorsprung durch technik
Zooropa be all that you can be
Be a winner
Eat to get slimmer
Zooropa: a bluer kind of white
Zooropa it could be yours tonight
We're mild and green<
And squeaky clean
Zooropa better by design
Zooropa fly the friendly skies
Through appliance of science
We've got that ring of confidence
And I have no compass
And I have no map
And I have no reasons
No reasons to get back
And I have no religion
And I don't know what's what
And I don't know the limit
The limit of what we've got
Don't worry baby, it'll be all right
You got the right shoes
To get you through the night
It's cold outside, but brightly lit
Skip the subway
Let's go to the overground
Get your head out of the mud baby
Put flowers in the mud baby
Overground
No particular place names
No particular song
I've been hiding
What am I hiding from
Don't worry baby, it's gonna be all right
Uncertainty can be a guiding light
I hear voices, ridiculous voices
Out in the slipstream
Let's go, let's go overground
Take your head out of the mud baby
She's gonna dream up
The world she wants to live in
She's gonna dream out loud
She's gonna dream out loud
Dream out loud
Zero 7 - In The Waiting Line
Wait in line
'Till your time
Ticking clock
Everyone stop
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Do you believe
In what you see
There doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me
Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe in
What you see
Nine to five
Living lies
Everyday
Stealing time
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can
Do you believe
In what you feel
It doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me
Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see
and I'll shout and I'll scream
But I'd rather not have seen
And I'll hide away for another day
Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can
The Whitest Boy Alive "Gravity"
It's all fun, fun and games until
Somebody sees what they should not see, the innocence is killed
Not written, certainly not shown
But eventually what's meant to be covered up gets sold
You only want to be with her because she's mine
You will lose me as a friend if you cross that line
She's the gravity my life circles around
She's the gravity my life circles around
But how long can a Kool Ket keep its calm
Despite the amounting evidence that there's cause for alarm
Cause for worry, cause for pain
Physically threatening you, responsible alien
You only want to be with her because she's mine
(You're wrong)
You will lose me as a friend if you cross that line
(So long)
She's the gravity my life circles around
(Move on)
She's the gravity my life circles around
Tuesday, June 14, 2022
The Whitest Boy Alive "Dead End"
Don't turn around, keep going
If I do look back I'll never get over you
Any ounces of doubt don't show them
In this ancient game where players never lose
Why did it fail, for what reason?
How many times and whom must I ask to know?
Just a long way around or a dead end?
Bound for a place I could only reach alone
Thursday, June 9, 2022
Eric Clapton "Let It Grow" (2011 Remaster)
I find that this is an excellent time to repost a favorite:
Tuesday, May 31, 2022
Friday, May 27, 2022
Sunday, May 22, 2022
Friday, May 20, 2022
Thursday, May 19, 2022
Still Corners "White Sands"
On a lonely highway
From where I came
The road ramps high
Like a runway for an aeroplane
It's where I came from
It's where I've been
Always wandering around and around and around
Around
I'm the last drifter
From the white sands
For 200 years
I've roamed across these badlands
It's where I came from
It's where I've been
Always wandering
Around and around and around (the sun hurts my eyes)
Around (the sun hurts my eyes)
Around (the sun hurts my eyes)
Around (the sun hurts my eyes)
On a lonely road, neon white
Blue in the dark
No other signs
On a lonely road, strange lights
Wait, white sands
White sands
Ride on (ride on)
Ride on (ride on)
Ride on (ride on)
Won't you ride on?
On a lonely highway
On a lonely highway
Monday, May 16, 2022
Wednesday, May 11, 2022
Tuesday, May 10, 2022
Thursday, May 5, 2022
Tuesday, May 3, 2022
Ultra Vivid Scene "Special One" (Official Video)
You told me on the telephone to never fear to be alone
Who would think it would come to this
The perfect crime, the perfect kiss
Didn't trust what you said in your letter
In retrospect I should have known better
You shot the stars right out of the sky, from the sky
An empty bottle in your hand, I never hope to understand
Did you have to turn away and run
Did you have to be the special one
Insanity comes and goes with the weather
I knew you well, you knew me even better
You shot the stars right out of the sky, from the sky
How do you think it feels
How do you think it feels
How do you think it feels, feels right now
Didn't trust what you said in your letter
In retrospect I should have known better
You shot the stars right out of the sky
You told me on the telephone to never fear to be alone
Did you have to turn away and run
Did you have to be the special one
How do you think it feels
How do you think it feels
How do you think it feels, right now
How do you think it feels
How do you think it feels
How do you think it feels, right now
Feels right now
Saturday, April 30, 2022
Thursday, April 7, 2022
Kindness
- by Naomi Shihab Nye
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
Thursday, February 24, 2022
Monday, January 31, 2022
Hard Pivot
"Life sometimes has different ideas and throws us curveballs and challenges that, perhaps at the time, you don't understand the life lessons that are within. But the better that we can embrace those life lessons, and basically brace ourselves for the challenges ahead, the much more fulfilling experience we can have."
- Apolo Ohno, in "Hard Pivot"
- Apolo Ohno, in "Hard Pivot"
Wednesday, January 26, 2022
The Black Keys "Weight of Love"
I used to think, darling, you never did nothing
But you were always up to something
Always had a run in, yeah
I got to think those days are coming to get ya
Now no body want to protect ya
They only want to forget ya
You'll be on my mind
Don't give yourself away
To the weight of love
You'll be on your side
Don't give yourself away
The weight of, weight of love
Dance all night cause people they don't wanna be lonely
Never wanna be lonely
They don't wanna be lonely
You have a thing no one could ever be sure of
Never ever had a pure love
And never no cure from
You'll be on my mind
Don't give yourself away
To the weight of love
You'll be on your side
Don't give yourself away
The weight of, weight of love
Monday, January 3, 2022
Saturday, January 1, 2022
I stumbled upon inspiring text
"Imagine being a leader exiled to an island with only one other person. Now imagine that instead of shrinking under the wound of political isolation, you become stronger. Courage somehow thrives in this seclusion. Truth, honor and integrity build the foundation of a lighthouse that becomes a beacon of leadership. The love of country is the shining light inviting others to this island."
I found this as an intro to a current online article I was reading this morning. I found it very inspiring.
I thought I could apply it to my own life, too. In my case, "political isolation" would be just "isolation". But maybe, if I continue to conduct myself with pretty good integrity, and keep building on that with bigger and more meaningful challenges, then my actions can become a beacon to self and others, and shine out to myself and to the environment around me.
Anyway, I thought these are worthwhile thoughts. I thought, applying these thoughts would be a resaonable and worthwhile way to [become able to] turn something [good] outwards, rather than only turning myself inwards.
I wonder if you like the thoughts that I stumbled upon, too.
I found this as an intro to a current online article I was reading this morning. I found it very inspiring.
I thought I could apply it to my own life, too. In my case, "political isolation" would be just "isolation". But maybe, if I continue to conduct myself with pretty good integrity, and keep building on that with bigger and more meaningful challenges, then my actions can become a beacon to self and others, and shine out to myself and to the environment around me.
Anyway, I thought these are worthwhile thoughts. I thought, applying these thoughts would be a resaonable and worthwhile way to [become able to] turn something [good] outwards, rather than only turning myself inwards.
I wonder if you like the thoughts that I stumbled upon, too.
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