Sum of Awe

Awe Sum: [the sum of] All the Reverence one has for the many cool things in existence!

What Screams, "I have ADHD"?

(Answered by Julie Schuster Nondorf on Quora.com)

Talking in motion.

This is what my sixteen year-old does every time he comes into the living room to speak at his dad and I.

Yes. You read that correctly. I said speak at.

He is not being rude, my son, and I know he can and does have normal conversations with others that involve listening and responding as well as speaking. But with us, late at night, long after his meds have worn off, he will let out a long stream of thoughts that might seem unrelated to those who don't know him.

“Mom. We were on Destiny 2 and there were these randos and. . .”(goes on for five minutes in video game jargon and then, without stopping for breath, says), “Oh! You know that thing? That note thing for horticulture? I did do that! See? I told you I hate Sharon. She can't keep track of anything. But I'm glad Tanner and Hunter aren't fighting any more. That's the thing about our friend group. . .(goes on for another five minutes).

He can't seem to sit still during these conversations either. He paces back and forth, forth and back, as our heads follow him like spectators at a tennis match. His hands wave, his face is colored with expression. God, I love that kid.

But yes, to me at least, his talking in motion screams, “I have ADHD!”

Boy Harsher "Pain"

Thinking About Thinking: How to Challenge & Change Metacognitive Beliefs

Same injury, different brain

How TBI recovery differs for women and men

Brave Combo "Happy Wanderer"

I miss seeing Brave Combo live! ;-)

Eloy "Child Migration"

Ian Brown "Keep What Ya Got"

As a doctor, have you ever brushed off a patient's complaint and then regretted it?

What is the smartest thing you've seen a child do?

Answered on Quora.com by Darva Campbell, Doctor of Musical Arts Music & Education, University of Memphis (1993)

My son has the highest social intelligence of anyone I’ve ever met.

Before he started high school he asked if I would take him school shopping. He said he wanted to wear a suit and tie to school every day. I was flabbergasted.

“You are going to a new school where no one knows you. You can create yourself. You can be a jock. You can be a nerd. You can be an emo-kid. You can be a band-geek, or a stoner, or a dramatist. Why on earth, when you can be ANYTHING, would you pick, ‘weird kid?’”

He said, patiently, “Mom, there are 1,800 kids in my new school. If I try to fit in and be like everyone else I will never find my friends. But if I go to school every day looking so much like myself that people can tell who I am from across the gym, within two weeks I’ll have the entire school divided into two groups; a large group who want nothing to do with me, and a small group who are interested in getting to know me. Give me another two weeks, and I’ll have the small group divided in two; a small group who know me well enough, and a tiny group of people who will end up being my friends for the rest of my life.”

I couldn’t argue with that. I took him to Goodwill, where he picked out women’s suits - in a size 2. He was tiny.

His time frame was off, though. It only took about 2 weeks for every single person in that high school to know who he was … and about the same length of time for him to find “his people.”

[My son’s Freshman school picture, from my collection.]

A few days after school started I was at my gym, and struck up a conversation with the young lady behind the desk. Turned out she went to the same high school, and I asked her if she might know my son. She asked what grade he was in, and I told her he was a Freshman. She assured me she was a senior and didn’t know any Freshmen. I said, “Well, you might know Campbell.”

[A snapshot of my son as a junior, from my collection.]

He’s 29 now - and the people he found in those first few weeks of high school are still among his best friends, despite having gone separate ways for college. He doesn’t wear suits, ties, and hats anymore, but he knows how to be himself, and stand out in any crowd.

I’ve seen my son do a lot of amazing things. He is a true artist and an excellent modeler, and will no doubt be a huge asset for some gaming startup or a lead at Pixar someday, where his people skills will be put to good use. I’ve seen my son do a lot of amazing things, but this stands out as one of the best lessons he ever taught me.

“CAMPBELL is your SON? Of course I know Campbell. Everyone knows Campbell. He’s famous. He’s adorable. We senior girls have adopted him…” Evidently, my tiny son in a hat, suit, and tie had become all the rage…

Chick Corea / Gadd Band "Night Streets"

Eric Clapton - Let It Grow (2011 Remaster)

Red Orange Yellow

Toy Matinee "Last Plane Out"

Level 42 "Something About You"

The Shins "Dead Alive"

The Shins "So Now What"

Moby "Extreme Ways" (Official)

U2 "One Tree Hill"

The Whitest Boy Alive "1517" (live)

The Magnetic Fields "The Death Of Ferdinand De Saussure"

Jean Luc Ponty "Stay with me"

Steve Winwood "Higher Love" (official)

Orianthi "According To You" (official)

The Charlatans "Tremelo Song"

No More Kings "Sweep The Leg"

Stevie Wonder "As" (2008)

The Cars "Dangerous Type"

Squeeze "If I didn't love you"

If I didn't love you, I'd hate you
Watching you play in the bath
A soap suds stickle back navy
A scrubbing brush landing craft
Your skin gets softer and warmer
I pat you down with a towel
Tonight it's love by the fire
My mind goes out on the prowl
If I, if I, if I, if I, if I
If I didn't love you, I'd hate you
I'm playing your stereogram
Singles remind me of kisses
Albums remind me of plans
Tonight it's love by the fire
The wind plays over the coals
Passionate looks are my fancy
But you turn the look into stone
If I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I
If I didn't love you
Would you sit and glow by the fire
If I didn't love you
Would you make me feel so
Maybe love me
Oh if I didn't love you, mmm
If I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I
If I didn't love you, I'd hate you
Cocoa mugs sit side by side
It's time to poke at the fire
But it's not tonight
Looks I find
Taking a bite on a biscuit
The record jumps on a scratch
Tonight it's love by the fire
The door of your love's on the latch
If I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I
If I didn't love you
Would you sit and glow by the fire
If I didn't love you
Would you make me feel so
Maybe love me
Oh if I didn't love you
Would you sit and glow by the fire
If I didn't love you
Would you make me feel so
Maybe love me
Oh if I didn't love you, mmm
If I, if I, if I, if I
Didn't, didn't, didn't, didn't
Love you, love you, love you, love you

Genesis "Domino" (Parts 1 & 2) [released 1986]

The grey of evening fills the room
There's no need to look outside
To see or feel the rain
And I reach across to touch her
But I know that she's not there
Rain keeps running down the window pane
Time is running out for me
Can't you see what you are doing to me?
Can't you see what you have done?
As I try to pass another long and sleepless night
A hundred crazy voices call my name
As I try to pass them by
I almost can believe that she is here
In the glow of the night
Do you know what you have done?
Do you know what you've begun?
Do you see we shall never be together again?
All of my life
For the lonely people, empty rooms
And all the pointless violence, silent tombs
Could it be that we shall be together again?
Sheets of double glazing help to keep outside the night
Only foreign city sirens can cut through
Nylon sheets and blankets help to minimize the cold
But they can't keep out the chilling sounds
Will the nightmare soon give way to dreaming
That she is here with me?
Here in the glow of the night
Do you know what you have done?
Do you know what you've begun?
Do you see we shall never be together again?
All of my life
For the lonely people, empty rooms
And all the pointless violence, silent tombs
Could it be that we shall be together again?
Could it be that we shall be together again?
In silence and darkness
We held each other near that night
We prayed it would last forever
Blood on the windows
Millions of ordinary people are there
They gaze at the scenery
They act as if it is perfectly clear
Take a look at the mountains
Take a look at the beautiful river of blood
The liquid surrounds me
I fight to rise from this river of hell
I stare 'round about me
Children are swimming and playing with boats
Their features are changing
Their bodies dissolve and I am alone
Now see what you've gone and done
Now see what you've gone and done
Well now you never did see such a terrible thing
As was seen last night on the TV
Maybe if we're lucky, they will show it again
Such a terrible thing to see - oh!
But there's nothing you can do when you're the next in line
You've got to go domino
Now I'm one with the living and I'm feeling just fine
I know just what I got to do
Play the game of happiness and never let on
That it only lives on in a song - oh!
There's nothing you can do when you're the next in line
You've got to go domino
Do you know what you have done?
Do you know what you've begun?
In silence and darkness
Hold each other near tonight
For will it last forever
Will it last forever?
Forever
There's nothing you can do when you're the next in line
You've got to go domino
Do you know
Do you know
Do you know what you have done?
Do you see what you've begun?
'Cause there's nothing, nothing, nothing -
There's nothing you can do
There's nothing you can do
Do you see, do you see what you've done?

Feeling Understood

We used to make excuses for people when we said things like, "Oh, they don't know any better." There may be a lot of truth in that statement, but it feels like we were saying, "They just didn't see me when they ran me over, so it's okay." Just because someone is a family member doesn't mean we should accept the unacceptable, including subtle things like them not really hearing us, or less subtle things like having them label us as over-reactive.

We can now tell whether we're being heard or not. We realize that others don't have to agree with us, but they may not disrespect us. We recognize our needs and start to speak up for ourselves. We are learning to live a healthy emotional life, no longer wishing to be around denial and shame. We let go of those who can't journey onwards with us because we cannot carry them while we are climbing to the heights we need to keep our heads above water. We may reconnect with them later, but that will be our choice.

Before recovery, we may have spent all our energy on our families because we thought that was what we were supposed to do. Now we give our "gifts" to those who can appreciate and actually understand them.

On this day I choose to spend my time and energy on those who wish to make this journey with me. I deserve to be heard and loved for who I am.

Dissociation

"Because we shut out our parents when we were children, we tend to shut out people as adults."

Surviving childhood in a dysfunctional household required many of us to use a number of coping mechanisms to maintain any semblance of sanity. One was our ability to dissociate (separate mentally or emotionally) from what was happening around us or to us. Although dissociation helped us survive then, as adults it closes us off from the possibility of having healthy relationships.

Sometimes fear of rejection motivates us to dissociate, so we distract ourselves because if we don't feel, then we hope we won't experience any pain. But dissociation also deprives us of healthy joy.

Sometimes our hypervigilance causes us to constantly monitor our surroundings for signs of trickery or slights. But it can also deprive us of the opportunity to make good friends.

With these dysfunctional filters, we can misread the words or actions of others as an assault, causing us to become defensive, go on the offensive and shut down completely.

As we peel back the layers of our childhood survival traits, we learn to sort out what no longer works in our adult lives. We leave behind traits that no longer serve us. We gratefully see how this program gives us the strength to change and the courage to be open to others. We no longer wish to be alone.

On this day I will be kind to myself if I find myself dissociating. I will be open to people and new experiences.

Genesis - Afterglow (Lyrics)

How does low self esteem manifest itself?

Answered by Dushka Zapata via quora.com:

I am unable to recognize my own worth and can only perceive it through what others say. This creates a self-perpetuating need for external validation.

I avoid conflict, because any form of disagreement threatens my fundamental architecture.

I never set a boundary as I feel that doing so risks my relationships.

I don’t respect the boundaries of others because I experience them as a form of rejection.

I am so anxious and wrapped up in how I come across that there is less room for empathy.

I judge others - a symptom that I’m not happy with myself.

I don’t trust anyone. Trust is hard to establish with others if I don’t trust myself.

I cannot regulate my own emotions.

I cannot communicate my own emotions.

I don’t know how to ask for what I want. I am not even sure what that is.

I struggle with two feelings that disguise themselves as coming from others but really come from how I see me: envy and jealousy.

I crave intimacy but am afraid of it.

I want to be vulnerable but it feels too dangerous.

I don’t like being alone but also often feel lonely in the company of others.

Low self esteem is like wearing tinted glasses. It colors everything, because we are the place from where we see the world.

Trait Twelve

"We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us."

Many of us wish we did not perpetuate certain family disease traditions like abandonment, but we do so anyway. We may have abandoned someone on purpose as an outlet for our anger, or as a form of retribution. No matter what the reason, we are now in recovery to break the cycle of this multi-generational family disease the best we can.

The idea of not abandoning others may feel like a foreign concept. Maybe we just don't know how to stay, how to feel safe long enough to be intimate. It can feel terrifying to get close to others.

Being with fellow travelers in this program is a first step in practicing what it's like to tolerate intimacy. It's also where we can learn to communicate, resolve problems and forgive in ways we were never taught. We perform a real act of courage when we do things differently in recovery.

We can practice; we can do it. This is our living amends - a gift to ourselves and others in recovery, and perhaps to our families as well.

On this day I will practice new, trusting behavior with my ACA friends. I will continue to learn healthier ways of communicating that will keep me from leaving others for the wrong reasons.

Promise Four

"Our ability to share intimacy will grow inside us."

One casualty of our dysfunctional families was our ability to share intimacy. In our oftentimes dangerous families, intimacy led to vulnerability, which became an open invitation to be hurt and hurt again. We learned to protect ourselves by shutting down our natural need for intimacy. Our false self took charge to protect us from the harrowing pain of a multitude of unmet needs.

As we engage in the process of recovery, we begin to feel comfortable, learning to express our needs. We may need to be discerning in deciding with whom to share our most treasured hurts, but share them we must, if we are to regain our ability to share intimately.

The process of recovery requires us to become our own loving parent, relieving from duty our most ardent defender, our critical inner parent. Only then will our Inner Child begin to feel and express all the hurt inside.

As we grow comfortable with the uncomfortable absence of our critical inner parent, we build trust that our loving parent will guide us in knowing when and where to share intimately. Our internal intimacy translates into outward intimacy, and we are made whole once again.

On this day I will help my Inner Child feel safe so that my freedom to share intimacy can grow. I will practice sharing intimately with others I have learned to trust.

Relationship Anorexia

Adult children learn a lot of things growing up in a dysfunctional home. Unfortunately, one of the primary things we learned was not to trust. We learned to place a wall around us for protection from pain.

This wall follows us into adulthood and shadows all of our relationships with acquaintances, friends, co-workers, and most importantly, our intimate relationship with a partner/spouse. We find that, unlike our family of origin, a healthy relationship calls for a degree of trust, something so foreign to us that our safety feels threatened.

When given the choice to let down our guard and allow someone to breach our protective wall, some of us choose to either prevent or end a relationship. We fear failure but sabotage our own success.

As we get emotionally stronger in our recovery program, we start removing the bricks from our wall, knowing that now we can accept what life brings us with the love and support we have for ourselves, as well as from our Higher Power and fellow travelers.

Detecting a Fake Smile

Family Roles

"Survival roles tend to have a hardy life and remain fixed in our personalities long after we have left our unhealthy homes…. There is the 40-year-old sister, living out the lost child role by avoiding holiday meals and rarely calling home."

Roles adopted to survive our childhood experiences are our default positions in life, unless we become conscious of the underlying causes.

Before recovery, we may have avoided our families because we were overwhelmed with fear, anger, sadness, ambivalence, or mistrust. Not participating in the false cheerfulness of holidays was one way of protecting ourselves.

As we make progress using the tools of the program, we may continue to stay away from our families, but now it's because we realize the interaction is not healthy. We may hope for a time when we are able to care for our Inner Child well enough to re-establish contact. And if we do so, it will be with the full knowledge of what we may or may not get in return when we no longer play the role that makes our families comfortable.

Recovery is a process that ebbs and flows like the waves on the sands of our life. We can delight in the awakening of our spirit that can bring us joy every day.

On this day I will keep track of my changing family role as a way of noting my progress on this positively exciting spiritual journey I am on.

Hypervigilance

"Most ACA members have some form of PTSD, which is often expressed in our hypervigilance of our surroundings or our acute monitoring of comments or actions of others. This behavior is a carry-over from growing up on guard much of the time." In recovery, many of us become very aware of how we feel strong emotional and physical triggers by certain things and we don't always know why. Through our discovery process, we find the underlying trauma that causes this state of hypervigilance. The strong, deep emotions that surface may overwhelm us like a raging sea. To soothe ourselves, we learn to lie under warm blankets, drink hot tea, and take long baths. We activate our inner loving parent, doing whatever it takes to honor our hurt Inner Child. Our motto has become, "I will take care of me first!" We dialogue with the wounded parts of ourselves that need love. At first, our Inner Child may seem to scream with rage, "Where were you all these years? How do I know you won't abandon me like everyone else?" But we have the courage to listen to this wounded part, no matter what the cost. We let go of abusive relationships and rearrange our lives to give ourselves more space for healing. We know we are worth it. On this day I put myself first. When I am in a PTSD tunnel, I will not minimize it to look good for others while I am suffering inside.

Family Portrait circa '95

U2 "UNKNOWN CALLER"

Rewiring the Anxious Brain - Neuroplasticity and the Anxiety Cycle

Blur "Girls And Boys"

Instant Crush

Abandonment

"If the family withdraws support, this might feel new, but in reality the abandonment has always been there."

At some point we realized we were alone again. We had always felt this way, but never allowed ourselves to face the truth. We allow the fear and pain to pass through us. We begin to see that the universe is a safe place for us, and that by facing our loneliness, we can become whole. We take this inward journey with the help of our sponsors and fellow travelers who have done so before us and who can share their experience, strength, and hope.

We let our dysfunctional families fade in the distance, and we move into new, healthier relationships where we get our needs met. We stop trying to replace our parents with people who wear different masks. Although such relationships might temporarily feel good, they soon come crashing down as we see them for what they are: ugly, messy and codependent.

We realize we may slide back once in a while, because recovery is rarely a straight line. But we are learning to pull out of our nosedives faster and with more grace. There is no need to go down with the ship anymore.

On this day I will allow that which is dead to be what it is. I will take whatever time I need to fully grieve and then move on.

The Shins "Phantom Limb" (official)

The sex-starved marriage | Michele Weiner-Davis | TEDxCU

I also usually really like Target experiences

Buried Feelings

"We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults."

How can we honor our feelings when many of us were brought up by parents who implied or directly told us that we shouldn't talk about, think about, or even have our feelings? They told us we were "imagining things," or said "Stop making a big deal out of nothing." They said showing feelings and emotion would turn us into weaklings. It was more important to look good and not be concerned with feelings, especially those related to fear, anger, and sadness. How would we be able to stand on our own two feet if we were shadow-boxing with unnecessary emotions? We got the message loud and clear and kept our feelings buried for decades.

But how long can we go on stuffing things before it affects us emotionally, mentally, and physically; before people shun us because these denied feelings start manifesting themselves as inappropriate behavior?

We begin to recognize and honor our feelings in real time. When fear, anger, envy, greed, and jealousy appear, we identify and filter them as honestly as possible. Sometimes simple acknowledgement and perspective gathering is enough. But we also should be prepared to talk about our feelings for the purpose of gaining true understanding and acceptance. As we do so, resilience and serenity begin to permeate our minds and our souls.

On this day I will honor my feelings by unlocking them and accepting them as an essential part of my whole being that deserves love and respect.

Phoenix "Lisztomania"

So sentimental
Not sentimental no
Romantic not discussing it
Darling I'm down and lonely
When were the fortunate only?
I've been looking for something else
Too late, too late, too late, she'll be late, too late, too late
So go slowly discourage
Distant from other interests
On your favorite weekend
Ending this love for gentlemen only
That's where the fortunate only
No I gotta be someone else
These days it comes, it comes, it comes, it comes, it comes and goes
A Lisztomania
Think less but see it grow
Like a riot like a riot oh
Not easily offended
Know how to let it go
From the mess to the masses
A Lisztomania
Think less but see it grow
Like a riot like a riot oh
Not easily offended
Know how to let it go
From the mess to the masses
Follow, misguide, stand still
Discuss, discourage
On this precious weekend
Ending this love for gentlemen only
Wealthier gentlemen only
Now that you're lonely
Too late, too late, too late, she'll be late, too late, too late
So go slowly discourage
We'll burn the pictures instead
When it's all over we can barely discuss
For one minute only
Not where the fortunate only
But I better be something else
These days it comes, it comes, it comes, it comes, it comes and goes
A Lisztomania
Think less but see it grow
Like a riot like a riot, oh
Not easily offended
Know how to let it go
From the mess to the masses
A Lisztomania
Think less but see it grow
Like a riot like a riot oh
Not easily offended
Know how to let it go
From the mess to the masses
Oh
This is show time, this is show time, this is show time
Oh
This is show time, this is show time, this is show time
Time, time is your love, time is your love, yes time is your love
Time, time is your love, time is your love, yes time is your
From the mess to the masses
A Lisztomania
Think less but see it grow
Like a riot like a riot oh
Discuss, discuss, discuss, discuss, discuss discourage

Eric Clapton "Let It Grow" (2011 Remaster)