"We do not have to participate in their dysfunction. We are free to live our own lives."
As children, we may have had to literally be our "brother's keeper" because in the dysfunction we were given responsibilities far beyond our years. We didn't learn to take care of ourselves in the process, because we were so focused on others.
As adults, many of us continued this pattern: ignoring our own needs and being drawn to people we could take care of. We told ourselves we were okay because we were caring, compassionate people. And in return, we often received praise and adulation. People said things like, "Isn't she wonderful?" "What would we do without him?" This fed the hole in our soul for a while.
But then the praise stopped coming unless we asked for it. The satisfaction we thought we were experiencing diminished. We may even have started to blame others for being ungrateful.
We began a program of rigorous honesty and learned to recognize what we were doing. Yes, people took advantage of us, but we taught them to treat us that way. And now, we have begun to undo that. We are letting others take responsibility for themselves.
On this day I will continue taking care of and valuing myself because I am worth it! I will give others the gift of taking care of themselves.
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Saturday, June 27, 2020
Self-Doubt
"We were taught to doubt ourselves, so it became natural to believe that we are wrong, defective, or uninformed."
Many of us learned early to doubt what we knew we saw, because we were shamed into believing we were incapable of knowing. At first we knew the difference, but eventually we believed that our hunger pangs and other feelings were our imagination.
When we enter recovery, we are ready to release this way of thinking. We begin to see that we no longer need to live in the survival mode of our childhood. We are ready to wipe the slate clean and write a new future.
We meet people who will support us as we take a second look at our past. We gradually challenge the stories, roles, beliefs - and the negative, distorted thinking that has colored so much of our lives. We begin to accept the reality of our childhoods, and that we did not cause the problems.
We now get to write our own future. We no longer have to be defined by our original family roles or by the toxic thoughts, words and actions of those around us. We get to choose what we want from life, how we see ourselves, and decide which filters we will use to perceive the world. On this day I have the courage to face my past and the faith to write my future. I no longer doubt what I know to be true.
Many of us learned early to doubt what we knew we saw, because we were shamed into believing we were incapable of knowing. At first we knew the difference, but eventually we believed that our hunger pangs and other feelings were our imagination.
When we enter recovery, we are ready to release this way of thinking. We begin to see that we no longer need to live in the survival mode of our childhood. We are ready to wipe the slate clean and write a new future.
We meet people who will support us as we take a second look at our past. We gradually challenge the stories, roles, beliefs - and the negative, distorted thinking that has colored so much of our lives. We begin to accept the reality of our childhoods, and that we did not cause the problems.
We now get to write our own future. We no longer have to be defined by our original family roles or by the toxic thoughts, words and actions of those around us. We get to choose what we want from life, how we see ourselves, and decide which filters we will use to perceive the world. On this day I have the courage to face my past and the faith to write my future. I no longer doubt what I know to be true.
Friday, June 26, 2020
Conflicting Feelings – Holidays
"We knew that birthdays and holidays would be trivialized or forgotten."
The conflicting emotional shift of any holiday can trigger a tsunami of pent-up feelings that cannot be reined in by any sentimental holiday movie, song, or festive decorations.
Sorting out our conflicted feelings and perceptions is not easy. If it were, we wouldn't find ourselves attending meetings, going to therapy, and doing Step work. But we know these tools help us unravel the interwoven strands of our childhood experiences so we can understand how they affect us today.
Through recovery, holidays can provide an opportunity to reevaluate our experiences and how they influence us today. We find that the disappointment we felt because of attitudes back then may have led us to trivialize present holidays to avoid our own pain and loss.
By doing our good work, we are able to examine not only our dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors, but also those of our families. From an emotionally sober place, we may uncover the roots of the coping mechanisms we created to make sense of the nonsensical. We can now put them into their proper perspective as relics from the past to be viewed in a glass case as a distant vestige of how things were, not of how they have to be today.
On this day I will examine the conflicting feelings I acquired during my most vulnerable years, recognizing how things were and knowing there is now another way to live.
The conflicting emotional shift of any holiday can trigger a tsunami of pent-up feelings that cannot be reined in by any sentimental holiday movie, song, or festive decorations.
Sorting out our conflicted feelings and perceptions is not easy. If it were, we wouldn't find ourselves attending meetings, going to therapy, and doing Step work. But we know these tools help us unravel the interwoven strands of our childhood experiences so we can understand how they affect us today.
Through recovery, holidays can provide an opportunity to reevaluate our experiences and how they influence us today. We find that the disappointment we felt because of attitudes back then may have led us to trivialize present holidays to avoid our own pain and loss.
By doing our good work, we are able to examine not only our dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors, but also those of our families. From an emotionally sober place, we may uncover the roots of the coping mechanisms we created to make sense of the nonsensical. We can now put them into their proper perspective as relics from the past to be viewed in a glass case as a distant vestige of how things were, not of how they have to be today.
On this day I will examine the conflicting feelings I acquired during my most vulnerable years, recognizing how things were and knowing there is now another way to live.
Thursday, June 25, 2020
Emotional Eating
"An ACA relapse can bring a return of self-harming behavior. The behavior can include emotional eating, drug use, compulsive sexual relationships, or other harmful behaviors."
As children, we were not allowed to feel our feelings. It wasn't safe to say we felt sad, scared, or angry. Ignoring our feelings really hurt us inside. To relieve our pain, many of us turned to an addictive behavior, which for some of us was finding comfort in food. But this emotional eating caused us to gain weight and feel ashamed of our ballooning bodies. Family members and others then made fun of us. It was an unfair cycle: food comforted us, but that comfort caused even more problems than we originally had. We tried everything we could think of, but nothing worked permanently to stop this cycle. We were crippled with self-hate.
The beauty of the ACA program lies in its virtually guaranteed healing of our childhood damage. We find our comfort in the practice of the 12 Steps, work that restores our stolen identities. As we recover, decades of stuffed feelings and buried memories emerge. Our Higher Power helps us handle these emotions and accept ourselves. Our loving parent guides our Inner Child through each emotion with the gentleness we crave and the dignity we deserve.
On this day, when powerful emotions surface, I will remember that I have the right tools ready and waiting. I can use the Steps, the meetings, and the telephone to help me find true comfort.
As children, we were not allowed to feel our feelings. It wasn't safe to say we felt sad, scared, or angry. Ignoring our feelings really hurt us inside. To relieve our pain, many of us turned to an addictive behavior, which for some of us was finding comfort in food. But this emotional eating caused us to gain weight and feel ashamed of our ballooning bodies. Family members and others then made fun of us. It was an unfair cycle: food comforted us, but that comfort caused even more problems than we originally had. We tried everything we could think of, but nothing worked permanently to stop this cycle. We were crippled with self-hate.
The beauty of the ACA program lies in its virtually guaranteed healing of our childhood damage. We find our comfort in the practice of the 12 Steps, work that restores our stolen identities. As we recover, decades of stuffed feelings and buried memories emerge. Our Higher Power helps us handle these emotions and accept ourselves. Our loving parent guides our Inner Child through each emotion with the gentleness we crave and the dignity we deserve.
On this day, when powerful emotions surface, I will remember that I have the right tools ready and waiting. I can use the Steps, the meetings, and the telephone to help me find true comfort.
Wednesday, June 24, 2020
Boundaries
"The level of choice we develop is proportional to the integrity of our boundaries. The more we let go, the stronger our boundaries become. This is a paradox: Letting go creates stronger boundaries."
Most of us grew up in families without boundaries. It seemed like everyone was in each other's business, passing judgment and telling each other what to think and feel. Even if we had understood the concept of boundaries, we wouldn't have been able to set them for ourselves in the midst of the dysfunction. Yet on some level we often instinctively knew that our boundaries were being violated, whether it was emotional or physical boundaries.
As adults, we were often the boundary violators because of the Enmeshment we learned from our families. We simply didn't understand how boundaries worked, and we didn't know how to honor them.
We learned that a lack of boundaries is usually about control and manipulation. It's never as simple as it seems, and it takes work to uncover the root of what's really happening. But as soon as we begin to deal with the underlying issues and release the hold they have over us, our boundaries are strengthened; we let go and offer other people the opportunity to find their own way without our help. We learn to separate what's really important and what's not, in order to survive as healthy adults.
On this day I will remember that when I choose to let go and not to involve myself where I don't belong, I am creating stronger boundaries for myself.
Most of us grew up in families without boundaries. It seemed like everyone was in each other's business, passing judgment and telling each other what to think and feel. Even if we had understood the concept of boundaries, we wouldn't have been able to set them for ourselves in the midst of the dysfunction. Yet on some level we often instinctively knew that our boundaries were being violated, whether it was emotional or physical boundaries.
As adults, we were often the boundary violators because of the Enmeshment we learned from our families. We simply didn't understand how boundaries worked, and we didn't know how to honor them.
We learned that a lack of boundaries is usually about control and manipulation. It's never as simple as it seems, and it takes work to uncover the root of what's really happening. But as soon as we begin to deal with the underlying issues and release the hold they have over us, our boundaries are strengthened; we let go and offer other people the opportunity to find their own way without our help. We learn to separate what's really important and what's not, in order to survive as healthy adults.
On this day I will remember that when I choose to let go and not to involve myself where I don't belong, I am creating stronger boundaries for myself.
Tuesday, June 23, 2020
Defects of Character
"You are not a defective character. You have defects of character."
Many of us have difficulty hearing the word "defect" and applying it to ourselves because of the way we were raised. First, if we ever said we had a problem, that was usually how we got in trouble. We were criticized for who we were, so the last thing we wanted to do was to point out that there was something wrong. Second, most of our "faults" or "defects" became a part of us as adults because a parent demanded we act a certain way. We were not to blame for acquiring these habits, but they really get in our way today.
It is important that we acknowledge what is happening in our present lives - the habits we have that perpetuate the family dysfunction. We get honest about their impact to ourselves and others in order to recover from them.
We realize that a defect is something that stops our positive momentum - we all have them. But that doesn't mean we are defective. Our habits will change as we recover. But first we must see them, admit them, and work them out using the Steps and all the tools now available to us.
On this day I will gratefully and joyously remember that my defects are losing their hold on me as my recovery grows.
Many of us have difficulty hearing the word "defect" and applying it to ourselves because of the way we were raised. First, if we ever said we had a problem, that was usually how we got in trouble. We were criticized for who we were, so the last thing we wanted to do was to point out that there was something wrong. Second, most of our "faults" or "defects" became a part of us as adults because a parent demanded we act a certain way. We were not to blame for acquiring these habits, but they really get in our way today.
It is important that we acknowledge what is happening in our present lives - the habits we have that perpetuate the family dysfunction. We get honest about their impact to ourselves and others in order to recover from them.
We realize that a defect is something that stops our positive momentum - we all have them. But that doesn't mean we are defective. Our habits will change as we recover. But first we must see them, admit them, and work them out using the Steps and all the tools now available to us.
On this day I will gratefully and joyously remember that my defects are losing their hold on me as my recovery grows.
Monday, June 22, 2020
Tolerating the Unacceptable
"We will see how our low self-esteem has us judging ourselves mercilessly, giving others the benefit of the doubt, and tolerating inappropriate behavior."
Many of us were taught that it was virtuous to "put up with" whatever was doled out, shut up about whatever was going on, and deny our feelings in the process. This led us to doubt our own perceptions, which led us to doubt our own self-worth. Because we actually survived, some of us interpreted our ability to deal with unacceptable situations as resilience.
Unfortunately, we didn't learn that it was acceptable to set boundaries and limits, and that it was okay to say "no" to unacceptable behavior. This is what we learn. We don't have to be stoic, or pretend that things don't bother us when they do. We don't have to apologize for stuff that's not ours or feel ashamed when we feel triggered. We have the right to our reality, our experiences, and our feelings.
With the help of our recovery support system, we are now learning to trust, to feel, and to talk; this is a wonderful way to live. We can surround ourselves with people who listen to us and acknowledge our feelings. We can be more human, vulnerable, and safe.
On this day I remind myself that being resilient (tolerating abuse) is not the way I want to live my life. I can relax and trust safe people.
Many of us were taught that it was virtuous to "put up with" whatever was doled out, shut up about whatever was going on, and deny our feelings in the process. This led us to doubt our own perceptions, which led us to doubt our own self-worth. Because we actually survived, some of us interpreted our ability to deal with unacceptable situations as resilience.
Unfortunately, we didn't learn that it was acceptable to set boundaries and limits, and that it was okay to say "no" to unacceptable behavior. This is what we learn. We don't have to be stoic, or pretend that things don't bother us when they do. We don't have to apologize for stuff that's not ours or feel ashamed when we feel triggered. We have the right to our reality, our experiences, and our feelings.
With the help of our recovery support system, we are now learning to trust, to feel, and to talk; this is a wonderful way to live. We can surround ourselves with people who listen to us and acknowledge our feelings. We can be more human, vulnerable, and safe.
On this day I remind myself that being resilient (tolerating abuse) is not the way I want to live my life. I can relax and trust safe people.
Friday, June 19, 2020
Non-Dominant Hand
"After introducing ourselves to the child within, we can ask other questions. We write out the question with our dominant hand and write the reply with the other hand."
We used to be afraid of our feelings. We thought we knew how we felt. We knew all about how others felt at all times, but we never developed the discipline of listening to ourselves because we were punished in our families for doing so. Some of us recreated that same punishing silence within ourselves in our work and romantic relationships.
When the hurt becomes too great, we are willing to go to any lengths to recover. We do things that are scary because we are building trust with our sponsor, fellow travelers, and our Higher Power. We seek the answers to our past, however we can find them. Non-dominant handwriting is an important tool in getting to early memories. We try answering questions by writing in crayon with our non-dominant hand. It has worked for others before us.
Most importantly, we are building trust with those voices inside us that have needed to speak for longer than long. They want to contact us and discharge the poison they have been holding back to save us from pain. We start to feel safer as we begin to heal and become ready to hear "our history."
On this day I will trust the messages I get doing non-dominant handwriting, because what is said is true for that part of me. I will listen without trying to push the feelings back down. I will give the words inside me a space to breathe.
We used to be afraid of our feelings. We thought we knew how we felt. We knew all about how others felt at all times, but we never developed the discipline of listening to ourselves because we were punished in our families for doing so. Some of us recreated that same punishing silence within ourselves in our work and romantic relationships.
When the hurt becomes too great, we are willing to go to any lengths to recover. We do things that are scary because we are building trust with our sponsor, fellow travelers, and our Higher Power. We seek the answers to our past, however we can find them. Non-dominant handwriting is an important tool in getting to early memories. We try answering questions by writing in crayon with our non-dominant hand. It has worked for others before us.
Most importantly, we are building trust with those voices inside us that have needed to speak for longer than long. They want to contact us and discharge the poison they have been holding back to save us from pain. We start to feel safer as we begin to heal and become ready to hear "our history."
On this day I will trust the messages I get doing non-dominant handwriting, because what is said is true for that part of me. I will listen without trying to push the feelings back down. I will give the words inside me a space to breathe.
Tuesday, June 16, 2020
Healing
"There is no Healing Without Feeling"
For so many of us, we learned to feel helpless and even hopeless, like giving up was the only intelligent way to endure our childhoods. This hopelessness is part of what feeds the depression we experience as adults. It may seem paradoxical, but we learn that we need to experience our grief in order to alleviate our depression. It may only be through first-hand experience that we can understand how this works.
There is a difference between the stagnant quality of hopelessness and the flowing quality of grief work. The former seems like a permanent state. It drags us down and makes us feel like there's no way out. The latter seems more like a temporary phase on the way to acceptance, integration, and peace. One never seems to say goodbye, while the other is about the courage to say goodbye to the losses we've sustained and all the things we cannot change.
The thought of doing grief work, of feeling the pain of our past, may seem daunting, but we come to know that this is the balm that heals our ruptured souls.
On this day I have the courage to grieve my past in order to say hello to the present and the future.
For so many of us, we learned to feel helpless and even hopeless, like giving up was the only intelligent way to endure our childhoods. This hopelessness is part of what feeds the depression we experience as adults. It may seem paradoxical, but we learn that we need to experience our grief in order to alleviate our depression. It may only be through first-hand experience that we can understand how this works.
There is a difference between the stagnant quality of hopelessness and the flowing quality of grief work. The former seems like a permanent state. It drags us down and makes us feel like there's no way out. The latter seems more like a temporary phase on the way to acceptance, integration, and peace. One never seems to say goodbye, while the other is about the courage to say goodbye to the losses we've sustained and all the things we cannot change.
The thought of doing grief work, of feeling the pain of our past, may seem daunting, but we come to know that this is the balm that heals our ruptured souls.
On this day I have the courage to grieve my past in order to say hello to the present and the future.
Sunday, June 14, 2020
Humility
"Humility ... is a sibling of anonymity, a foundational principle of the Twelve Steps and the Twelve Traditions. Through anonymity, we practice service with love."
In our families, humility and humiliation often got confused and led us to either become very passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. In working the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, we are given a different definition of humility. In ACA, humility is about being the one we were supposed to be, before our families infected us with their dysfunction, and before we recycled that dysfunction in our own lives. It is about being our True Selves.
Anonymity is naturally confused with our alcoholic/ dysfunctional family's desire to keep secrets. The difference is that in ACA, we don't share what others say or tell who was at our meetings as a way of giving security to each other. Knowing this allows us to feel safe to share our own story. When we are tempted to judge, ridicule, or speak of someone else, we are reminded that through the practice of protecting the anonymity and confidences of our fellow ACAs, we now have a higher purpose, a healthy limit that gives life rather than diminishes it.
The possibility of performing service in ACA flows powerfully from our understanding of these principles in our lives. The newcomer feels it, the old-timer appreciates it, and our Higher Power loves it.
In our families, humility and humiliation often got confused and led us to either become very passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. In working the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, we are given a different definition of humility. In ACA, humility is about being the one we were supposed to be, before our families infected us with their dysfunction, and before we recycled that dysfunction in our own lives. It is about being our True Selves.
Anonymity is naturally confused with our alcoholic/ dysfunctional family's desire to keep secrets. The difference is that in ACA, we don't share what others say or tell who was at our meetings as a way of giving security to each other. Knowing this allows us to feel safe to share our own story. When we are tempted to judge, ridicule, or speak of someone else, we are reminded that through the practice of protecting the anonymity and confidences of our fellow ACAs, we now have a higher purpose, a healthy limit that gives life rather than diminishes it.
The possibility of performing service in ACA flows powerfully from our understanding of these principles in our lives. The newcomer feels it, the old-timer appreciates it, and our Higher Power loves it.
Friday, June 12, 2020
Shame
"Shame blinds us to the fact that love is inside each of us waiting to be discovered."
We are often broken when we come to ACA. Through denial, we don't even know what we don't know. It takes time to realize how badly bruised (emotionally and sometimes physically) we were as kids. Shame ruined our sense of self. We had a self when we were born, but it was chipped away day after day until we seemed to be in shreds. There was little left but the reflection of our parents' hateful and frightening words and actions.
Some of us may have felt confused when we started recovery as we were told to reach inside for our self worth. We didn't know that we had any and we doubted ourselves at every turn. Even though we felt hopeless, we hung onto the words we heard in the meetings. We saw others recovering and it felt hopeful. It helped to read the literature on a daily basis, and eventually we felt a shift happening.
We continued our Step work, going to meetings, relying on a Higher Power and reaching our Inner Child. We began to truly see our value. No longer defined by the shaming voices of the past, we had a new image of ourselves - a true image of the valuable person we always were.
On this day I look at myself through the eyes of recovery, not through the eyes of my caretakers from childhood. I see the love inside me that continues to grow.
We are often broken when we come to ACA. Through denial, we don't even know what we don't know. It takes time to realize how badly bruised (emotionally and sometimes physically) we were as kids. Shame ruined our sense of self. We had a self when we were born, but it was chipped away day after day until we seemed to be in shreds. There was little left but the reflection of our parents' hateful and frightening words and actions.
Some of us may have felt confused when we started recovery as we were told to reach inside for our self worth. We didn't know that we had any and we doubted ourselves at every turn. Even though we felt hopeless, we hung onto the words we heard in the meetings. We saw others recovering and it felt hopeful. It helped to read the literature on a daily basis, and eventually we felt a shift happening.
We continued our Step work, going to meetings, relying on a Higher Power and reaching our Inner Child. We began to truly see our value. No longer defined by the shaming voices of the past, we had a new image of ourselves - a true image of the valuable person we always were.
On this day I look at myself through the eyes of recovery, not through the eyes of my caretakers from childhood. I see the love inside me that continues to grow.
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