School of Instant Pain

I'll be your guide
So join me and fight
To break down the walls
That keep us in this misery

I'll be your friend
Believe in the end
We build up a new
And better land

I've been trained to kill a man
With sword, or spear, or with my hand
Nature built me big and strong
A gladiator's song

We're kept like animals in a cage
They pay for it to see the rage
Their kicks have become stale and dry
They get excited when we die

Our life, it is not meant to last
The arms so strong, the eyes so fast
We're putting on a special show
And selling out the big front row

There is no chance of getting free
It's goodbye for eternity
And death is near, it won't take long
The gladiator's song

Get ready now, this is your next fight, ~Mensch ;-)
Don't think too much about yourself
Last night you told me that you can't go on
You have no choice, you go to hell

You said: the moments, you enjoyed your life
They seemed to fade away so fast
And when you felt that you had found a friend
You knew for sure it wouldn't last

I know these people in the audience
They want the show to be on time
Don't hesitate, I ring my special bell
And you know that's my starting sign

So draw your knife, go out and take your chance
And show these folks your bravery
If you manage to come back alive
Tomorrow's big fight is at three!

Taylor Hicks performs "Levon" by Elton John

Elton John, Jon Bon Jovi "Levon"

Moby "We Are All Made of Stars"

How to have a relationship with me•

Show up. Look. listen. Ask.
The favor will be returned, probably multi-fold.
•[or with anyone else]

Elton John "Levon" (1971)

ELP "the Sheriff"

Linkin Park "The little things give you away" (lyrics)

Hutchinson River Pky U2 "Breathe"

Christiane F. (Wir Kinder vom Bahnhof Zoo) "Heroes"

Eric Clapton "Let It Grow" (2011 Remaster)

November 6 Meditation, from daily mailing

Adult Child Defined

"An adult child is someone who responds to adult situations with self-doubt, self-blame, or a sense of being wrong or inferior - all learned from stages of childhood."

We may have grown up with parents who used anger and conditional love to control us. Maybe they were perfectionists and we could never measure up to their ideals. We were left with a feeling of certainty that our feelings, opinions, and perceptions were inadequate - that it was wrong to be an imperfect human being.

As adults, our sense of wrongness from childhood may have kept us from expressing our true opinions; we feared others would abandon us if we disagreed with them. This may have led us to make unhealthy choices about partners or careers because our self-doubt was more powerful than our ability to trust ourselves.

We have an opportunity to break the "Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" rule. As we face our shame and feelings of abandonment, we begin to realize that our self-image is not actually based on objective reality. We start to see more of the middle ground in situations and to approach life as balanced adults. As we learn to experience our Higher Power's unconditional love, we see that our opinions matter, and that even when we don't think and feel as others do, we are still lovable.

Happy November 1

Happy first day of the month ... and happy upcoming 4 bears day: the day of the dead.
It's enrichening to think about those who came before us - at least on one of the days of a year? It gives a greater depth to our experience, to be able to see one's life as part of something larger, and stretching through much deeper time, like an elastic web with some "give" to it.
It's a much harder exercise to imagine the experiences of those who come after us. It's hard to wrap one's mind around so many unknowns - so is it a fruitful exercise to guess what their futures could be like? [Maybe - probabably.]
A remaining question: can the web of deep time, and incarnate experience, fold back in on itself and possibly contact another part of the web? Woo-woo! ;-)
[Maybe if the web can also act like visco-elastic bubble plastic - ?! Oldsters: Remember the toy Super Elastic Bubble Plastic? Deep in middle childhood, I used to save my birthday and event money, so I could acquire some of that stuff, in a timely fashion. Certain materials just capture the attention, currency and Ka-Ching of childhood, heh.] ;-)
(Yesterday, which is a culturally distinctive day of the year, where I and my peoples are from - I felt nearly like I was on a direct communication pipeline with my grandmother Claudia, for a while, somehow. Anyway - no matter how my illusion or disillusion/delusion was: I imagined some kind and encouraging words that I might have reasonably expected to hear from her - and then it was almost as if she were right next to me, softly speaking those words, with a smile.) ;-)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Elastic_Bubble_Plastic

Bronski Beat "Smalltown Boy" (official video)

At 7:15 this morning, I was inspired to call up, and dance to, this song.
This song used to be a frequent part of my college experience, when it was popular.
It could be danced or raged to - because the theme expressed is actually arguably universal - or at least applicable to anyone who has ever been an underdog, or wronged.
Yesterday was the first day since my brain injury on October 1 that I had several hours free of dizziness and nausea - and I was able to shake, rattle and roll! (Like a small earthquake, eh.)
Therefore, I broke out dancing vigorously a few times during the day, as I went about doing other things. I also got out my jump rope and had a fair-length session with that one, too - after sweeping the ground clear of autumn debris.
I will aim to keep doing such things, through today, as well!
I am on track to start day 1 of my newest gym membership, starting tomorrow - so pleased!

A flattering personal supposition

One likes to flatter oneself with the moment-to-moment supposition that one is not blind, deaf, dumb in one or more areas.
This allows one to get through any moment at hand, and to get symbolically on top of the next moment.

The Cure "Catch"

Porcupine Tree "Glass Arm Shattering"

Triumvirat Spartacus "School of Instant Pain"

Pink Floyd "Breathe" (in the Air)

John Mellencamp "Last Chance"

A cold day in December
And I´m still here alone
I look through my window and I surrender
Should be gone
But I have no place to go
Last chance to get up
Last chance to go
Last chance to get up and go
Last chance to get up
Last chance to go
Last chance to get up and go
If there were someone
I´d hold her
If there was love
I´d let it take me away
But I just stay here alone
Last chance to get up
Last chance to go
Last chance to get up and go
Last chance to get up
Last chance to go
Last chance to get up and go
I feel nothing - I feel no pain
I feel no joy, nor hurt inside
I only have myself to blame
If I see that the world passed me by
Last chance to get up
Last chance to go
Last chance to get up and go
Last chance to get up
Last chance to go
Last chance to get up and go

Ha. [That song is riding my brain, so much, today.]

(I can't seem to stop playing "Don't Fear the Reaper" by BOC on my devices.)

Steve Forbert "Settle Down"

The Smiths "The Boy with the Thorn in His Side" (+ lyrics)

"Don't Fear the Reaper" with More Cowbell (SNL, Christopher Walken et al.)

Blue Oyster Cult "Don't Fear The Reaper" (+ lyrics)

Well, that's that, for now. That's enough, in itself. It will be something else, after a while.

Justice "D.A.N.C.E" with lyrics

Steve Forbert "Wait"

Steve Forbert "Complications"

Steve Forbert - Thinkin'

Something to Believe in - How about these 5 words?

I admit that I could really use something (good) to believe in.
(Perhaps to transport me beyond Self?)
So: I distilled this wish into 5 words:
"Tell me more about yourself."
[This same so-called logic, stretched, applies to corporations and to other entities, too - not just to individual animals.] ;-)

Steve Forbert "Tonight I Feel So Far Away From Home"

I am posting this a day after a brain injury, and subsequent imaging, doctors visits, meds, etc.:
When, but now - [and also this past spring and summer, without warm and safe shelter, to sign into, daily] - can I feel this best:

Tom Waits "Step Right Up"

Swiss Army (die beste Armee der Welt)

U2 "White As Snow" (Official-Unofficial)

"White as Snow"
Where I grew up there were no hills at all
The land was flat, the highway straight and wide
My brother and I, we'd drive for hours, like we'd years instead of days
Our faces as pale as the dirty snow

Once I knew there was a love divine
Then came a time I thought it knew me not
Who can forgive forgiveness when forgiveness is not?
Only the land as white as snow

And the water it was icy
As it washed over me
And the moon shined above me

Now this dry ground it bears no fruit at all
Only poppies laugh under a crescent moon

The road refuses strangers
The land, the seeds we sow
Where might we find a land as white as snow?

As boys we would go hunting in the wood
To sleep, the night shun out the stars
Now the wolves are every passing stranger
Every face we cannot know
If only a heart could be as white as snow
If only a heart could be as white as snow

R.E.M. "World Leader Pretend" lyrics

John Mellencamp "Your Life Is Now"

John Mellencamp "Just Another Day"


Siri (?) reads John Mellencamp "Just Another Day" lyrics


U2 "The Moment of Surrender" (Official-Unofficial)

I tied myself with wire
To let the horses run free
Playing with the fire
'Til the fire played with me
The stone was semi-precious
We were barely conscious
Two souls too smart to be
In the realm of certainty
Even on our wedding day
We set ourselves on fire
Oh God, do not deny her
It's not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me
At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
I've been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body's now a begging bowl
That's begging to get back
Begging to get back to my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control
I was punching in the numbers
At the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down 'til the pain will stop
At the moment of surrender
Of vision of over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

["Here is another character, a war veteran. In my head he was part of some Somali adventure that went so wrong. We think about him as someone who has not been able to reintegrate or re-enter earth's atmosphere yet. He hasn't managed to return to himself. I believe insanity is the sane response of sane individuals to insane situations. In 'Moment Of Surrender,' he has dragged his wife into drugs and booze, he can't live with what he has done to her and so he breaks down beside an ATM machine and begs God to deliver them." - Bono, No Line On The Horizon 2009]

U2 "Stand Up Comedy" (Official-Unofficial)

I gotta stand up and take a step
You and I have been asleep for hours
I gotta stand up
The wire is stretched in between our two towers
Stand up in this dizzy world
Where a lovesick eye can steal the view
I'm gonna fall down if I can't stand up
For your love
Love love love love love
Stand up, this is comedy
The DNA lottery may have left you smart
But can you stand up to beauty, dictator of the heart
I can stand up for hope, faith, love
But while I'm getting over certainty
Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady
Ooh
Ooh
Out from under your beds
C'mon ye people
Stand up for your love
Love love love love love
Love love love love love
I gotta stand up to ego but my ego's not really the enemy
It's like a small child crossing an eight lane highway
On a voyage of discovery
Stand up to rock stars, Napolean is in high heels
Josephine, be careful of small men with big ideas
Ooh
Ooh
Out form under your beds
C'mon ye people
Stand up for your love
Love love love love love
Love love love love love
God is love
And love is evolution's very best day
Soul rockin' people moving on
Soul rockin' people on and on
C'mon ye people
We're made of stars
C'mon ye people
Stand up then sit down for your love
Love love love love love
Love love love love love
Love
Love

U2 "Magnificent" (Official Video)

Magnificent
Oh, oh, Magnificent
I was born, I was born to be with you
In this space and time
After that, and ever after, I haven't had a clue, only to regret
This foolishness can leave a heart black and blue, oh
Only love, only love can leave such a mark
But only love, only love can leave such a scar
I was born, I was born to sing for you
I didn't have a choice
To lift you up
And sing whatever song you wanted me to
I give you back my voice, from the womb
My first cry, it was a joyful noise, oh
Only love, only love can leave such a mark
And only love, only love can leave such a scar
Just a fire, till we die, you and I will magnify
Oh magnificent, magnificent

Stevie Wonder "As" (2008)

Leo Tolstoy on Kindness, and the Measure of Love

[copied from brainpickings.org, by Maria Popova]

“Nothing can make our life, or the lives of other people, more beautiful than perpetual kindness.”

“Practice kindness all day to everybody and you will realize you’re already in heaven now,” Jack Kerouac wrote in a beautiful letter to his first wife and lifelong friend. Somehow, despite our sincerest intentions, we repeatedly fall short of this earthly divinity, so readily available yet so easily elusive. And yet in our culture, it has been aptly observed, “we are never as kind as we want to be, but nothing outrages us more than people being unkind to us.” In his stirring Syracuse commencement address, George Saunders confessed with unsentimental ruefulness: “What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness.” I doubt any decent person, upon candid reflection, would rank any other species of regret higher. To be human is to leap toward our highest moral potentialities, only to trip over the foibled actualities of our reflexive patterns. To be a good human is to keep leaping anyway.

In the middle of his fifty-fifth year, Leo Tolstoy (September 9, 1828–November 20, 1910) set out to construct a reliable springboard for these moral leaps by compiling “a wise thought for every day of the year, from the greatest philosophers of all times and all people,” whose wisdom “gives one great inner force, calmness, and happiness” — thinkers and spiritual leaders who have shed light on what is most important in living a rewarding and meaningful life. Such a book, Tolstoy envisioned, would tell a person “about the Good Way of Life.” He spent the next seventeen years on the project.

In 1902, by then seriously ill and facing his own mortality, Tolstoy finally completed the manuscript under the working title A Wise Thought for Every Day. It was published two years later, in Russian, but it took nearly a century for the first English translation, by Peter Sekirin, to appear: A Calendar of Wisdom: Daily Thoughts to Nourish the Soul, Written and Selected from the World’s Sacred Texts (public library). For each day of the year, Tolstoy had selected several quotes by great thinkers around a particular theme, then contributed his own thoughts on the subject, with kindness as the pillar of the book’s moral sensibility.

Perhaps prompted by the creaturely severity and the clenching of heart induced by winter’s coldest, darkest days, or perhaps by the renewed resolve for moral betterment with which we face each new year, he writes in the entry for January 7:

The kinder and the more thoughtful a person is, the more kindness he can find in other people.

Kindness enriches our life; with kindness mysterious things become clear, difficult things become easy, and dull things become cheerful.

At the end of the month, in a sentiment Carl Sagan would come to echo in his lovely invitation to meet ignorance with kindness, Tolstoy writes:

You should respond with kindness toward evil done to you, and you will destroy in an evil person that pleasure which he derives from evil.

In the entry for February 3, he revisits the subject:

Kindness is for your soul as health is for your body: you do not notice it when you have it.

After copying out two kindness-related quotations from Jeremy Bentham (“A person becomes happy to the same extent to which he or she gives happiness to other people.”) and John Ruskin (“The will of God for us is to live in happiness and to take an interest in the lives of others.”), Tolstoy adds:

Love is real only when a person can sacrifice himself for another person. Only when a person forgets himself for the sake of another, and lives for another creature, only this kind of love can be called true love, and only in this love do we see the blessing and reward of life. This is the foundation of the world.

Nothing can make our life, or the lives of other people, more beautiful than perpetual kindness.

Allman Brothers (Eat a Peach), etc., to the wrong enemy

The fires are burning in another land
Don't start counting, don't start counting
Colder and colder, the ice is moving closer
And it gets me down
Going round and round and down the same old track

Pack on my back, going swiftly nowhere
Heart in my ear beating like a drum
Where will you go?

All by yourself
(Hah ... hah ... hah ... hah ... hah ... hah)

And now I'm standing on the corner
Waiting in the rain
But then in sunlight without warning
I invent a name
Me and Sarah Jane
We had a special thing going
Me and Sarah Jane

It was a time of love and laughter
It wouldn't come again
We had our round of joy but after
Then began the pain
Me and Sarah Jane
We had a special thing going
Me and Sarah Jane
Sarah Jane

Searching for a clue
Traces on the sand
First I'm flying, going round round round
Then I'm sliding going down down down
Doesn't matter where I start I always end up
Crawling through those same old crowded rooms

Me and Sarah Jane
We had it coming
All the pain
Walking down the streets
And finding nothing is the same
And now the city lights are dimming one by one
It costs too much money to keep them all on

Me and Sarah Jane
In silence walk along the shore
Tears of joy and mocking laughter
Words lost in the wind
The tide was rising
But there we stayed
We had no fear of dying
We weren't afraid


[One fights the wrong enemy. The enemy is in one's own mind. The enemy is within.]

Eric Clapton "Wonderful Tonight" (Official Live Video)

U2 "Stand Up Comedy"

Stevie Wonder "As" (2008)

2:47-3:03: I find these spoken words highly relevant to getting though life respectfully, graciously, beautifully - while in fellowship with others - not true?
[I share this clip every year, usually around late July. I can't see any reason why Today shouldn't be that day - eh?]

U2 "Unknown Caller" (with lyrics)

I can become able to do this thing

I can become able to be a better person - yes?
Do I want this - for Self and family, friends, contacts?
Will I become progressively able to do this - with a commitment, followed by real effort, to taking/making this so-called righteous path?
[And now I turn this around and ask YOU the same questions.]
P.S. This missive used to be entitled "You can become able to do this thing" - until I turned it around. ;-)

Jim Croce "Time In A Bottle" (+ lyrics)

the Future of Applied Neuroscience in Education

to Behold, if one chooses: an article that can really wake up one's brain, to new possibilities - and a call to action (?).

https://www.thescienceofpsychotherapy.com/the-future-of-applied-neuroscience-in-education/?fbclid=IwAR1AEbQjRVa7_Ana3E8TbM1tEajT_CdByfU-_6CArYUZNL8eF2TVvlnC1uA

"The Future of Applied Neuroscience in Education: Transitioning from Leading with the Left to Leading with the Right"

by Thedy Veliz, June 24, 2019

Education is not about learning to make a living, but rather about learning to live a life. In neuroscience terms this means that we need to transition from the left-brain qualities of rigidity and control to the right-brain qualities of flexibility and attending to the uniqueness of each individual student. Here are three ways in which this can be accomplished:

From knowing about the brain (left brain) to operationalizing such knowledge through the way we manage our relationship as a caregiver (e.g., teacher, counselor, administrator, sports coach) with a student.

It does not help a student for caregivers to be able to know about the brain if “when the rubber meets the road” the information is not operationalized through “right-brain-to-right-brain” (Schore, 2002, p. 7) communications within a “two-person psychology” (Schore, 2012, p. 436). Thus, we are at a point where caregivers need the tools to transition from “knowing” about the brain to “being” a different type of person based on this information. This requires an embodied way of attending (McGilchrist, 2019) that shields oneself from the societal dynamics that might be working against us being able to do just that (Courtwright, 2019).

From expecting the child to fit “the road” to helping the child create his own “unique road”.

Traditional education appears to not fit the needs of children that are deemed highly reactive (15-20% of the population) (Boyce, 2019); and who are smarter, more creative, and sensitive. These children require a different learning style that requires hands on applications (e.g., design learning), working with the hands for an adequate balance of “here and now” neurochemicals and dopamine (Lieberman and Long, 2018), and going at the child’s own individual pace of knowledge acquisition reflective of the new field of educational genomics (Gaysina, 2016) – the equivalent of individualized medicine. Pioneers in this area include Boston College’s professor of Education Peter Gray (Gray, 2015) author of Free to Learn; and Scott Barry Kaufman, author of Ungifted: Intelligence Redefined. These highly reactive children due to their sensitivity are highly creative, and we know from a creativity resident study conducted at The University of California Berkeley in the 1960s by Frank X. Barron that “the average creative writer was in the top 15% of the general population on all measures of psychopathology”, but also “scored extremely high on all measures of psychological health (Kaufman, 2015, p. xxiii).

From expecting children to self-regulate to accepting that many may need to be co-regulated by consistent and reliable caregivers as part of their educational experience.

In 2010, Jelena Obradovic from Stanford’s Graduate School of Education and her colleagues published a study suggesting that how teachers engage with and relate to classroom dynamics influences the effect of social hierarchy on social inequality (e.g., health disparities) (Obradovic et al., 2010). Based on an observational study of 29 kindergarten classrooms in the San Francisco Bay Area, a social hierarchy was developed for each classroom based on social dominance resulting on the more highly reactive (i.e., orchid) children being placed at the bottom of the hierarchy.

The study found a correlation between the place on the hierarchy and depression-like symptoms (e.g., lower grades, more depression, more problems paying attention, lower positive peer relations). However, this relationship did not exist in all classrooms. Children at the bottom of the hierarchy only showed measures of lower outcomes if teachers ignored and/or fostered social dominant relationships. In classrooms in which teachers used more child-centered egalitarian practices (a measure developed at Stanford), the students’ place in the hierarchy did not have an effect on their socioemotional, behavioral, and academic health.

In other words, the association between social position and health starts to disappear as the classroom becomes more egalitarian through the leadership of the teacher. What this study is suggesting is that people (in order to have a fair chance towards personal and professional development) are not necessarily bound by their social standing so long as their emotional wellness is attended to. Thus, we might not be able to quickly upgrade people’s social standing, but by attending to their unique sensitivities at a very early age we might be able to provide them with a chance towards optimal development.

In his recently published book, The Orchid and the Dandelion, Thomas Boyce states that “Orchids subjected to the exigencies of steep competition for dominance positions may also be substantially more jeopardized and undone by the difficulties that accompany such competition. Thus orchids relegated to low-ranking roles, where marginalization and social isolation prevail, may more often experience subjugation, stress, and symptoms of despair, leading to psychological and physical duress. On the other hand, orchids achieving high social ranks may be more visibly rewarded with the strong mental health and developmental achievements that such ranks engender” (Boyce, 2019, p. 148).

Adapted from IAAN’s 1st International Conference of Applied Neuroscience Round Table Discussion: Applied Neuroscience in clinical practice and education. What difference does it make? on May 23, 2019, Sydney, Australia.

References:

Obradović, J., Bush, N. R., Stamperdahl, J., Adler, N. E., & Boyce, W. T. (2010). Biological sensitivity to context: The interactive effects of stress reactivity and family adversity on socioemotional behavior and school readiness. Child Development, 81(1), 270-289.

Schore, A. N. (2002). Advances in neuropsychoanalysis, attachment theory, and trauma research: Implications for self psychology. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 22(3), 433-484.

Schore, A. N. (2012). The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology). New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.

Boyce, W. T. (2019). The orchid and the dandelion: Why some children struggle and how all can thrive. New York, NY: Alfred A. Knopf.

McGilchrist, I. (2019). Ways of attending: How our divided brain constructs the world. London, England: Routledge.

Lieberman, D. Z., & Long, M. E. (2018). The Molecule of More: How a single chemical in your brain drives love, sex, and creativity – and will determine the fate of the human race. Dallas, TX: BenBella Books, Inc.

Gaysina, D. (2016). Educational genomics: Tailoring teaching to our individual DNA. Retrieved from: https://geneticliteracyproject.org/2016/11/17/educational-genomics-tailoring-teaching-individual-dna/

Gray, P. (2015). Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Kaufman, S. B. (2013). Ungifted: Intelligence redefined. New York, NY: Basic Books. Courtwright, D. T. (2019). The age of addiction: How bad habits become big business. Cambridge, MA: The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press.

Thedy Veliz, MBA, MA is a Relational & Developmental Neuro-Therapeutic Consulting CoachSM, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and Certified Applied Clinical Neuroscience Professional. He is a resident expert and regular contributor for The Science of Psychotherapy, and has a private practice in Los Gatos, California, USA. He can be reached at people-systems.net.

How to improve relations with self-absorbed

[https://www.mercurynews.com/2019/05/31/how-do-i-improve-relations-with-my-self-absorbed-mom]

DEAR CAROLYN: I need guidance on how to improve relations with my mother.

While she is loving with me and my siblings, she tends to be extremely self-absorbed and unaware during conversation. She has the uncanny ability to flip even the most mundane conversation into something about her; she will interrupt, speak over, and redirect conversation in her favor. She almost never asks questions about me, my work, life, or partner — much less about his life.

When I do open up to her about events in my life, she is uninterested and distracted, only to (again) turn the conversation toward her.

Not only is this frustrating, but it hurts. I have previously confronted her about feeling invalidated, and it resulted with her in tears and acting victimized.
Carolyn, how can I help my mother actually listen and understand how I am feeling? I love and respect my mother and want nothing more than to have a better relationship with her.

Unintentionally Distant Daughter

DEAR DISTANT: You can’t build a better relationship on hopes that she’ll become someone else.

Your mother is self-absorbed, unaware, uninterested, incurious, distracted; doesn’t listen, interrupts, talks over, turns all conversations back to herself; and, the killer of all rational hopes, she is defensive.

Defensiveness says, “I am not psychologically ready or willing to see myself as the person at fault and who therefore needs to change.”

In casting herself as the victim, refusing to examine either your feelings about her or your requests of her, your mother shows a clear lack of interest in changing.

You also can’t build a better relationship upon an emotional misconception — in this case, taking personally what isn’t personal.

I do understand and gladly validate your frustration with her. Talking to your mom sounds deeply unsatisfying.

But when you say this “hurts,” that also says you take your mother’s limited attention personally, as a negative assessment of your worthiness of her full attention. Yet I don’t see any evidence to support this interpretation. If she is distracted and self-centered not just with you, but with everyone in general — which is not only the impression your letter gives, but also how self-absorption tends to work — then how can it reflect how she feels about you specifically?

As you’ve described them, the behaviors reflect only on her. Is she, in fact, as badly disengaged from your siblings as she is from you? Does she turn conversations with everyone back to herself?

If her failure to engage is reserved just for you, then being hurt would make sense. Of course. Acutely.

Either way, though, if you think of those as two paths on a flow chart — 1. “She does this to everybody”; 2. “She does this only to me” — then they both still end up pointing to the same square: Accept her limitations. Showing an interest in your life/others’ lives is not how your mother shows love. Period.

You do say she’s “loving with me and my siblings” — which says she has some other way of showing she cares about you. To have a better relationship with your mom, I suggest you identify exactly which of her actions lead you to describe her that way and focus on those. Meet her there, at that one clear, emotional place where you know she is able to be.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

Lynyrd Skynyrd "Simple Man" with lyrics

Housing needed

I need immediate housing. Please contact if you think you can help.

The Boxer Rebellion "Caught By The Light" (with lyrics)

Hutchinson River Parkway U2 "Breathe"

16th of June, 9:05, doorbell rings, man at the door says
"if I want to stay alive a bit longer,
there's 3 things I need you to know: 3!"
Coming from a long line of travelling sales people on my mother's side
I wasn't gonna buy just anyone's cockatoo.
So why would I invite a complete stranger into my home? - Would you?
These days are better than that
These days are better than that
Every day I die again and again I'm reborn
Every day I have to find the courage
To walk out into the street
With arms out, got a love you can't defeat
Neither down or out
There's nothing you have that I need,
I can breathe, breathe now
16th of June, Chinese stocks are going up
And I'm coming down with some Malaysian virus
Ju Ju man, Ju Ju man
Doc says you're fine or dying
Please: 9:09, St John divine on the line, my pulse is fine,
but I'm running down the road like loose electricity,
while the band in my head plays a striptease.
The roar that lies, on the other side of silence,
The forest fire that is fear so deny it
Walk out into the street,
Sing your heart out
The people we meet
will not be drowned out
There's nothing you have that I need
I can breathe, breathe now
We are people born of sound
the songs are in our eyes
Born to wear them like a crown, oh
Walk out into the sunburst street
Sing your heart out
Sing my heart out
I found grace inside the sound
I found grace, it's all I found.
And I can breathe, breathe now.

Incubus "Drive" (Official)

This is another song that found its way to my ears today:

Sometimes I feel the fear of the uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
It's driven me before, and it seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Would you choose water over wine... hold the wheel and drive?
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there

Howard Jones "What is love"

I'm moving this video back to the top, today:

"Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear, never worry, never be sad? The answer is: they cannot love this much, nobody can. This is why I don't mind you doubting." ... and ...
"And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be. The door must always be left unlocked - to love, when circumstance may lead someone away from you - and not to spend the time just Doubting."

John Mellencamp "Emotional Love"

I woke up today
everything on my shoulders
I never told her
such emotional love
I hear what you say
Yes I owe ya
but I don´t know ya
and I smash soldiers with love
I come there today
to your station
it´s recreation
this passing notion of love
I hear what you say
it´s demonstration
crossing oceans above
crossing oceans above
Hand on my shoulder
like I told her
I control ya
crossing oceans above
Sally in the roses
what she knows is
such emotional love
Not for beginners
or Sunday sinners
court disasters
A. J. just killed his love
Who´s on the left and right
lonely days and nights
Who´s your master
when gods pass motions above
I hear what you play
on your station
smashing soldiers with love
crossing oceans above
such emotional love
I woke up today
everything's on my shoulders
I never told her
such emotional love
I hear what you say
Yes I know ya
but I don´t owe ya
and I smash soldiers with love
I come there today
to your station
it´s recreation
this passing notion of love
is crossing oceans above
Such emotional love

Best way to please a woman?

From Quora.com, answered by Davidson Joulot

Question: What is something that almost nobody knows about pleasing a woman?

You can spend hours with your head in between her thighs, her hips spasm with seizures, and her eyes rolled back but none of it is equal to pleasing a woman emotionally.

You can last 40 minutes in her in the most bizarre positions, still it will not be as effective as pleasing her emotionally.

What do I mean by pleasing her emotionally?

Many people confuse sexual pleasure with pleasing their partner, but in truth that’s only part of it. And you don’t need to be a sex god to please a woman. All you have to do is understand her.

Imagine a push to start car, you can get it on but if you don’t know that you need to press on the brake while you push the engine button you are going to spend quite a while in the parking lot lost and not knowing what you are doing wrong. Then as soon as you start to understand the car, you are able to start it in seconds.

The same with driving stickshift. If you understand how to drive a stickshift you will save thousands from updating an average car to an automatic. And the more luxurious the car is the more you will have to pay to convert it to automatic.

The same with a woman. Once you try to understand her and listen to her the easier the relationship will be and the easier it’ll be to please her.

A woman needs to be pleased emotionally in her late teens, 20’s, 30’s 50’s and all the way to her elderly age. So the sooner you master it the more fruitful and rewarding your relationship will be with her.

Men, we need to realize women as much as we hear of super strong feminism we should not be afraid of women in politics or women flying our space ships, we support her. Once we stop questioning them we can start seeing women as our partners and let her be our support to push forward in technology and social changes.

And in truth pleasing a woman is the easiest thing a man can ever do.

You support her. Not by paying all the bills and buying her new cars, but you support her by letting her know that she can be the best chef, doctor, lawyer, mayor or CEO of the best Fortune 500 company. Our ego will make us think that if she becomes a lawyer and you are still a teacher she might feel better than you. But you have to realize that for her to become a lawyer you were the one that picked up the kids, fixed her supper on her late nights after long studies, and made sure her car was always clean and tuned for her to never get stuck on the road. As much as you’d love to believe it that she can easily find another man that can do that, she won’t because you made sure you are the best man she’ll ever have laid her eyes on.

A woman’s erogenous zones are not the strongest place to please a woman. Her ears are the best place to please her. A man will sit in a football field next to his father after practice and he’ll tell him, “One day, son, these stands are going to scream your name.” You believe him. It makes you feel good. The same with a woman. She needs to hear the words. Her ears help her believe. “Baby, the last two years you stayed home to look after our daughter. Three years from now our daughter and I are going to sit in your graduation after you complete law school.” And when that day happens she’ll feel like wow, he saw it and believe it. And these are the moments that makes a woman proud to see your feature in her children’s faces.

The third way to please a woman is by keeping your words. You said you were going to pick up the kids, do it. You said you were going to pick her mom from the airport, it’s 15 degrees outside and she’s been in a 15 hour journey don’t let her mom suffer because you did not keep your words. You said you were going to quit drinking because you turn into someone else around her and the kids, do it.

Another thing that pleases a woman even when some say it doesn’t, it’s shiny things and breath taking things. I once got my girl this shiny piece of jewelry. She told me that it was too much and that I shouldn’t have gotten it for her. She’s one of those modern day I can do things myself type of gal. So if I use my annual bonus to buy her a piece of jewelry she’ll act like it’s not cool because she didn’t get me something like that. Even if I told her many times that she’s my lady, and I don’t care what feminism says, in my eyes she and my daughter deserve the best. So it was when I told her that it’s not bad for women to have expensive jewelry and if we ever get broke and she needs to provide for our daughter she can always sell that jewelry, that was when she accepted the gift. Days later I was walking by our bedroom and she didn’t notice but I saw her looking at herself in the mirror admiring herself and the jewelry. Using fancy accents and not behaving like how most people see her. Then she started using it in our fancy outings. So yeah do catch your lady’s breath.

She might think sex is boring in your house, but book a nice hotel in Manhattan New York and enjoy breakfast at Tiffany’s, and dine her in her red dress and high heels and you’ll see the freaky side from when she was 22. Women love excitement.

And that’s for a woman who’s in her late teens, 20s, 30s, 40s and elderly age.

Women are amazing. So please your lady.


[Note from Anna: For me, at first I thought the shiny [jewelry?] part to be non-applicable, and perhaps a bit conflicting with my so-called values. I used to joke that my mates were maybe fortunate that I have an aversion to [wearing] jewelry - due to someone in high school having tried to choke me with my own necklace - I haven't worn my hair long since then, for the same reason - long hair could slow me down and disable me, potentially.
Then I thought about "shiny" more. Do I enjoy "shiny"? Do I feel honored to have "value" offered to me? Yes x 2! (I think I value the gifts of attention and time more than gifts costing lots of money - probably because the former two are more limited and therefore more valuable to me.)

Genesis - Abacab

It's a second day of playing Genesis while doing light [sorting & recycling] work - music from my deep past.
The music and the lyrics really resonated with me, back then, when that music was current and culturally relevant.
(Right now I'm on the song "Like it or not" - and the lyrics are working for me, today, too. Heh. ;-)